The NRA Smokes Crack

Ok folks, the only way to explain the craziness coming out of the National Rifle Association wind pipe, is that their management smokes crack. Like serious hard core crack.

I was already flabbergasted a few months back when they sent me their weird membership letter. It wasn't about hunting or target shooting--it was about paranoid delusions--that liberal billionaires were coming for them, and the UN, media elite... blah, blah. Feeding the uneducated paranoia machine in order to boost gun sales. Who are these slime balls anyway?
 They have got to have the sense to know that other developed nations, with less guns and more restrictions also have less gun deaths (duh)....
Or maybe they don't???? Today's statement that we need armed guards in schools, may just show a whole new level of non-intelligence by these folks. I mean have they ever traveled to a third world country??? That's what a third world (or war-stricken) nation looks like!!!! Armed guards everywhere!!!!!!.

From my own travels in South America, I remember the armed guards in the motel parking lot we were staying in. It did not evoke a feeling of safety (nor did it chase away the prostitutes) it just made the whole experience kind of creepy. And this is the America the NRA wants for us?? Where are they buying their crack????

The Human Condition Spectrum Disorder

I have noticed in the past few days how the media (mostly talk radio--why do I even bother listening???)  have all become some sort of experts on mental health. Mixing up terms like "mental illness" with "autism" , or the conservative cry for "more discussions on mental health, not guns...". What are they even talking about?? Mental illness and alleged aspergers are complete apples and oranges. But these silly right wingers- have this juvenile need to classify the human condition into two neat categories: the sane and insane.

Listen folks, it just isn't that easy. There are people born with developmental delays, people with chemical imbalances, people who recover from imbalances, there are people on drugs, people with traumatic childhoods, there are pedophiles, there are psychopaths, there are saints and there are sinners, people with traumatic brain injuries, smart people and dumb people, compassionate people and selfish ones. Some are all of the above. And you will never know for sure which people will do what--ha! But we live amongst them nevertheless.

The biggest conservative lie is that we are all equal. This is why they DON'T UNDERSTAND (or want to understand) the need for government controls or so called "entitlement programs".  Somehow, the conservative condition requires one to have their head in the sand, at all times. They sit around on comfy leather chairs spewing crap like: "just take away government and things will be fine! Who needs rules, social programs and regulations?!" (Welcome to the right wing nut world) If there is one real diagnosis that actually applies to people at all times, it would be called " the human condition spectrum disorder."  We are many things, malleable and complex. And we'll always need help....

My Turn for Heat

Outside it was -9 yesterday. My son complained that during recess, the hockey puck snapped in half from the cold.. (the cut off for outdoor recess is -10 F)
Meanwhile, I have checked out from all this cold crap. I have been doing the worst thing possible for a liberal greenie. Hiding out and heating the house!!! To a comfortable temperature! Am I now a republican? 
After 9 years of freezing at my last house/cabin thingy in the woods, we finally have a furnace!! And what fun a furnace is!
I still require wool socks on my feet--but the rooms are warm. But my crazy family is so used to all this Alaskan cold, they have the nerve to complain that it is TOO HOT in the house! I actually had to apply a cold compress on my son's head last night...how can I live with these warm-blooded creatures?

Something Died in the Garage

Something died in the garage
I don't know what it is
But it sure smells really bad
Like sewer garbage fizz

Some creature in the wall
It's probably a mouse
Better in the garage
Than stuck inside my house

Bless the stinky critter
It's not an easy life
Looking for some warmth
But ended up in strife

Freezin for no Reason

I guess it is just plain silly to complain that I am cold. That's what one gets when they live in Alaska.
So it was -6 this morning. Finally the school sent home the yearly "make sure your kids have gloves and jackets at school" reminder. It is the most ridiculous thing ever. In the Lower 48, even lousy parents, wrap their kids up in coats and scarves. Children are warned that if they so much as open a button, all hell will break loose. Not only will there be a giant social services intervention, everyone will die of pneumonia and then the bird flu.
Of course in Alaska --The coats, hats and gloves are missing once again. (But in the parents defense, I know the items are actually scattered about the playground somewhere). And the snow pants are all in the giant lost and found box. The note home did mention that--there is an issue with all the snow pants being black. So nobody even knows who they belong to.. 
Either way, I need to go up and check my frozen washing machine again. As our laundry room is (brilliantly) in the garage, I am learning the fine art of defrosting before washing...

Ode to James the Turkey

So I was sitting in my car at the school's parking lot the other day. Counting how many kids were wearing only hoodies, and no coats. After all --it was a balmy 12 degrees outside--time to ditch the gloves and parkas.
On the other side of the lot, I saw my friend loading a dog crate into the back of her hatchback. That's nice I thought, her husky must have been the class mascot for the day . (oh--this school has three official classroom dogs--allergic kids aren't really accepted).
Anyway, she loads up the crate and pulls up to my car-(I'm not getting out of the car, it's twelve degrees after all).
She rolls down the window and asks me:"don't you want to see what I have in the crate?"
"hmm?" "seen your dog already." I reply.
"No, no" she says  "It's a turkey named James, he spent half the day at school--the kids can pet him, he's just the sweetest thing"....  
So I ask suspiciously--"why exactly do you have a pet turkey?"
"Well" she replies in a giddy tone, "he's our organic Thanksgiving meal!"
Oh good grief. Poor James. He doesn't know what his future holds, but I hope he had a fabulous time at school.... 

The Internet Keeps Insulting Me

I don't know what goofy geek comes up with the formula for the internet ads generated specifically for me, but I want to have a word with him or her.
I am getting pretty fed up with constant yahoo ads for cosmetic skin creams and senior citizen dating sites. (what have I been searching???? pimples and Depends??) Why not flatter me instead?? Where are the ads for exotic chocolates or wine??
Google treats me no better-- every time I open a news story, they make sure I have to scroll through multiple links about getting out of my debt, loosing belly fat, going back to school for a high school diploma or "looking 27" again. Why are these ads for me?? I thought they could figure this stuff out??
Deleting my spam folder is another tedious chore, as I scroll and delete through: winning walmart coupons, erectile dysfunction creams, penis pumps and again with the debt!

Maybe they are just generalizing to the average American (or to an Alaskan??) I don't know. If so it's very sad. You mean to tell me everyone online is a high school drop out with debt, belly fat, seeking insurance loop holes and looking to date Christian singles??

How Do The Single Moms Manage?

Lucky for me, I am not a single mom. Now and then I play single, when my significant other travels for work and what have you. Yet, usually those periods have turned out ok, with a few minor bumps-- mostly exhaustion due to my role as full time entertainment director.

However, I had a glimpse into "single motherhood hell" the other day, courtesy of the stomach flu. I had chills, nausea and a crazy fever---probably caused by some sort of bacterial boxing match, due to my overzealous yogurt consumption. (my attempt at self-healing) Nevertheless, I really, really just wanted to lie on the couch. Oh, did I ever. But I had to come up with some sort of dinner to feed those that can not feed themselves (and were not violently ill like mom). Delivery is not an option in a semi-rural part of Alaska--thus as the only adult in the house, meal prep is my job. Unwillingly, I had to somehow manage to peel myself off the couch, wobble up the stairs, and find my saving grace--the macaroni and cheese!
Yes, this I could accomplish, with only minor nausea. Yet, I really could not. Right at the final cooking step, in my feverish dementia, I added Newman's lemonade instead of milk! Oh good grief! I stirred it up really well, and prayed for mercy. Hoping the lemon zest would go unnoticed, I served it anyway. Oh thank goodness for small blessings--the bizarre substitution went unnoticed and I could resume moaning in the fetal position upon the couch.
I just can't imagine what a single mom goes through each and every time they are ill.

How About Zero Shades of Grey??

I am very upset today. Last night, I read a brief article about the book--(that obviously everyone has read but me) Fifty Shades of Grey. It was just a brief article in the Atlantic, something about humans escaping numbness.....but it wasn't this article that bothered me --as the glimpse it gave into the newly popular erotica.
The author gave some examples of the "new sex" I am supposed to be all hot about. I mean nipple clamps?? Try breastfeeding a baby with teeth!
Or what is with the orgasmic spanking? Is this really what women want?? We have spent so many hundreds of years getting men to STOP hitting and abusing women. And now some crazy lady writes a book that women want this?? But the truly bothersome thing isn't the weird author--but the well known fact that millions of real women are reading this book and liking it. 
So that leaves me really confused. Am I weird? (I am no prude, took human sexuality classes in Graduate school). And I would quite honestly slap any man who tried to spank me, then get up and leave him for good. So what is with these women? Are they freaking crazy? (my husband claims they are dumb, and just trying to conform).

I always assumed, that people who want to be abused for pleasure, have psychological problems (i.e. self hatred). Like teen girls who cut themselves.  As I did spend time studying human sexual behavior in school, I can safely say there are many parallels between animal sex and our own human kind. Many behaviors could be considered biologically "normal"--including homosexuality and rape. But wanting to feel pain??  Not normal. (being dominated makes sense, but not the pain).  Even a guinea pig or rabbit WILL BITE a partner that tries to mount her when she is not in heat (and thus uncomfortable) during intercourse. For crying out loud, brainless worms know better than to seek out pain. I still remember our 7th grade science lab, where we poked poor worms to elicit their "pain response" and we would write down in our little notebooks--"that the worm had the common sense to recoil from the painful prodding."  But I guess today's modern women do not.

A Note to the Undecided Voters

Now about those "mysterious" undecided voters. I am pretty sure I know where they lurk, and I think I even know a few of them personally!!
Don't want to stereotype anyone, so I won't mention which sex they are. BUT I have heard their bizarre pre-election comments, like: " I recorded the presidential debates" or "I liked that candidates speech, now I'll vote for them".
The Horrors!!
Especially to me, a never undecided voter, it all seems like crazy speak.
I know how these "undecided" folks think about other issues--like their kids schools or the household budget--they will analyze that to death. So I don't think they are stupid. Just completely ignorant to the political process.

So my thoughts to the "undecided" folks are: imagine that politics is like High School. And you want to vote for homecoming queen. You know the girls that are in the running. One is a total bitch, the other a lesser bitch. Would you vote for the bigger bitch just because she had a nicer poster?? Or gave a good speech or debate? No, as you would know she is being totally phony!

That's politics in a nut shell. Ignore the posters and the advertisements. Ignore everything the politicians say. Read real articles about what the candidates have actually done, from (imagine this!) sources like real newspapers! (not phony weird little newspapers or people who make their living saying mean or paranoid things). There are even fact check websites available--but this is dangerous territory, because if you don't have all day to recheck the legitimacy of the fact checkers, you still may wind up misled. In effect, just remember that every politician is the phony bitch in high school, and it should make the whole process much easier. Better yet, if you are still undecided--maybe stay home.

That Stuff Fell Again

After more than ten years in Alaska, I am no snow enthusiast. But here it is again, that white, fluffy substance all over my yard and driveway. Of course, my son is quite enthused about the frozen stuff--as it signifies that Halloween is really here! (These poor kids who have only grown up in AK normalize the weirdest things--like not being able to see the 4th of July fireworks because it is blazing daylight at midnight).

Nevertheless, I have no choice but to endure. Endure the snow covered pumpkins--that are only put out on the last day-- so bears, moose or jack frost don't get them first. And the trick or treating with heavy winter boots on. Luckily, as the nights get longer and longer this time of year, it is also the "Holiday light transitional phase". Meaning that I counted at least a dozen homes in the vicinity that have decorated their houses and bushes with Christmas lights--and no, these are not Halloween lights. Alaskans are totally not motivated enough to go back out there in the snow and switch the lights! But I did see a few put up their wreaths already--heck why not? Put it next to the snowy pumpkin.  

What Cold Children?

You know you are in Alaska when you see the coat less kids. That's not during the summer time or anything, but in the dead of winter.
I can't figure out if the kids think it's cool, or they just feel hot?
The first time I experienced this phenomena, was many years back when I was stuck behind a school bus. Outside it was 8 degrees fahreinheit. All these middle school kids came off the bus without any coats. Brrr, it was chilly watching them. Next I saw the same type of kids at the grocery store on winter days, sometimes even in shorts! BUT they were middle school kids and driven by strange forces, so who knew how common it was.

But then I noticed that the Mat-Su Valley public school supply list reminds parents to: "Provide your kids with a winter coat!" Interesting reminder, is underware on the list too?
But now I see this issue isn't really about coat reminders or middle school kids. It starts young, whenever a mini-Alaskan is allowed the opportunity to leave the house.

I now have my own offspring on the school playground, and have become familiar with the parental game called ,"where's your coat?" or "Go find your coat". Then we parents spend a good hour searching ditches and bushes for our kids coats. Mind you it's like 20 degrees outside. You don't really care if the children are cold at this point, just annoyed that they keep ditching those nice coats somewhere.

After a few years of living in Alaska, you recognize that children don't fall dead without their coats, so you just accept it. I'm just wondering if this all looks like some kind of crazy child abuse in the Lower 48?

Bored Again?? Really??

For like the fourth time in a month, I have been eagerly asked: So what are you doing this weekend? Yesterday, I overhead an exasperated lady stating that Friday was coming up and she dreaded "figuring out what to do"!?!
I am so utterly perplexed by these statements. Never knowing how to respond, I quickly run away.
Yesterday, I asked my husband--why the heck is everyone bored, with nothing to do??? Yet, we can't even find the time to remount the toilet? (don't ask). Nobody watches TV in our household, or watches any movies...but why??
I came up with a few strategies (or call them incompetence) that lead us to our glorious world of non-boredom.
1--Sell your new construction home, buy a crazy, old home (like we always do) that hasn't been improved in 30 years.  Make sure you don't have enough money to renovate it. Your home will proceed to keep you quite busy (plus up all night). As you are now in charge of plugging every hole, cleaning up the floods, patching, painting and what have you...
2- Try to heat your home with wood. Get a fireplace or woodstove if you need to. Seeking out free firewood is quite a good game. Stacking firewood is like Jenga for giants. When it topples, you are sure to have a whole extra hour of play time!
3- Practice inefficiency. Bag Costco. Do your grocery shopping daily, with a small bag like they do in Europe--then make sure to live very far from the market, so just getting some milk becomes this long hassle.
4- Cook from scratch. Here is one of our favorites. We make sure to make pancakes every weekend. This requires boiling up some home made syrup--if you can't pick the berries, buy a bag of frozen raspberries. And then making two batches of pancakes--gluten free and high gluten with tons of butter, that way everyone is happy. The whole process (including eating & clean up) takes two hours!! We make sure Friday night dinners are extra long and difficult as well. Like rolling up eggplant slices stuffed with goat cheese and bacon....or cooking french onion soup with Gruyere on top! Then we drink wine and dance to South American music. I have no idea why everyone doesn't do this.
5- Lastly, acquire way too many pets. Our home has become a pet depository. The dogs are constantly fighting. The cats throw up multiple hair balls at a time. Then they kill weird looking rodents and leave them for me to clean. Just recently one of my dogs stole and chewed up a moose jaw--leaving huge ass molars all over the floor. Again, very busy day...

Texting Parents- Alaska Style

I recently heard a news tidbit about distracted parents texting at the playground. Some experts feel that this (duh) distraction may actually increase playground injuries...
Of course we have this kind of silly parent here in Alaska too. I have seen plenty of them, looking at their little screens instead of the kids--liking a new kind of pickle relish on facebook or whatever people text about (how would I know??)

That aside, the most ridiculous example of a "texting parent" I have seen--was last fall at the Reindeer Farm-- out in the beautiful Matanuska Susitna Valley. They held a Halloween event, where kids get to go on hay rides, and pick pumpkins. (Although the pumpkin patch was "Alaskan"--i.e. grocery store pumpkins thrown about in a patch of dirt--have fun kiddies!) For the record: pumpkins grow in greenhouses in Alaska, so hence the fake patch.

But I regress...so we watched this young mom at the reindeer farm "parent while texting", couldn't help but watch, it was kind of shocking. She had a small toddler (maybe 2?) running around the reindeer area. Now, most folk in the "lower 48" have probably never experienced a "reindeer area". What this means, is that you are allowed into a big, muddy pen full of reindeer--which are really just sort of tame caribou. They are large, wild creatures with giant horns. They may or may not impale you. Anyway, this crazy mom kept texting on her  phone, totally not watching the toddler bump into, walk under, etc.. giant reindeer. My husband recoiled in horror as the child's face just missed a jagged antler, at which point the mom sort of looked up, yelled something--then proceeded to text once again.  I told myself, that quite possibly these were emergency texts, so I shouldn't judge. Yet, for the record, I totally feel an Alaskan playground (say a reindeer pen) should seriously be a text free zone! 

The Human Wolf Pack

One of the downfalls of humanity: people think they are more evolved than they actually are!
In the course of our humanoid history, it wasn't too long ago that we were sitting around with our little tribal group, chewing on shared animal bones. Zoom forward-- only a few thousand years later we get our animal bones ground up in drive-through chicken nuggets, while sitting in an air conditioned car. There is just no way our body and brain can adapt to this new lifestyle as fast as we would like.
Still, we don't admit that these cravings and longings--for fats, protein or even sex are actually our genes tooting their evolutionary horn--but choose to believe they are rational decisions. 
One of the more prevalent genetic (somewhat irrational) longings we seek to fulfill--is our tribal need to "fit in" and be part of a group. We seem to want to deny it, but it's with us, all the time..
Little children are intuitively drawn to tribal games--creating "clubs" and club houses-- having a blast deciding who gets in and who doesn't. In the teenage years "fitting into the group" often feels like a life and death battle--and I believe it really is, and shouldn't be overlooked. Probably not too long ago in our biological history--when puberty struck, you had to wonder off and look for a new "tribe" and fought like the dickens to get into it--so wouldn't it only be natural to have a tremendous youthful urgency to seek out a new group to belong to? Really a matter of our evolutionary survival.

Even worse, is the need to pick an "alpha" and "omega"---just like the wolves. I suppose the biological need to pick on an omega, is to keep the pack genetics strong...Of course this degrading instinct is passed on to humans as well--notice how busy high school kids are at picking out the weaker and gentler souls?? --Can practically hear the genes screaming "must get those weaklings out of the pack"!

Scientific research has shown--people will readily give up reason and facts to go along with a group. We can not get past the need to fit in, as it seems so important to our survival..So people keep making crazy group think decisions--even as adults. Be it denying scientific facts, voting against their best interests, following silly fashion trends, facebook or even living in controlling subdivisions full of stifling covenants!

This irrational tribal obsession, doesn't protect us from lions or get us more veggies anymore (when was the last time your McMansion neighbor offered you free produce, huh?) instead it often adds to our suffering. Marketers use it to exploit us all the time, as well as mean girls and other such weasels--so let us be aware of this dated genetic desire and maybe live a more modern, rational existence...!?

Guide to Romney and Ryan for Dummies

There are probably a few folks out there who are still perplexed by the oddball things that Romney and his side-kick Ryan are saying.
I have decided to help out in the matter by giving a brief synopsis of their world-view.

I am assuming that Romney calling half the US population "tax-less government moochers" is not really an original thought, but has been whispered gently in his ear by Mr. Ryan.. who we all know is a huge fan of Ayn Rand.
Now to spare you the grief of having to read the exhausting Atlas Shrugged--(unless you are interested in the sex scenes, as Ayn Rand was totally a whore) let me point out a few things.
This philosophy of "moochers" vs. "producers" is her little simple fantasy of how the world works.
The Producers (real workers , aka the means of production) are all brilliant, good looking white people, 95% male, enjoy fine dining, casual sex, cigarettes, sleeping very little and possibly amphetamines. They are morally superior to everyone else.
Now the Moochers include: stay at home moms (shouldn't be allowed to vote according to Rand), old people, children , the disabled and "dim-witted". Their role in the world is to shut up and worship the brilliant white people who produce the goods and services they mooch.

Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged fantasy ends with a handfull of brilliant, strong, white males (ok one super model chick is there too) hiding out in Nirvana to teach everyone else a lesson. (There is no room for all those other loyal republican minions after all) only this small batch of healthy, young men--most of whom she sleeps with at some point in the book. In short: Grandma, junior, crazy Uncle Jeb etc.. must all be thrown from the train in order for civilization to survive in this world view. Now you know.

Why Did They Send Me This?

So here I was sorting through my snail mail this morning--and what do I find clearly addressed to me? A petition and solicitation from the NRA!! They want my signature and financial support !
How do I even get on this kind of mailing list?
The letter was completely dumbed down and full of crazy speak. All the signature "lets get the undereducated really paranoid" lines included. Such as: "global gun ban diplomats at the UN", and the "freedom hating media elite", my personal favorite: "radical billionaires" are all coming to take away your guns!!!
In my caffeine induced morning fury, I wanted to scribble all sorts of nonsense on their petition--"like the 2nd amendment is from 1791, do you want to bring back slavery too??"--and "the USA has the highest gun related death rate in the developed world!!" But then I realized that it would just go to some processing center  & be opened by an underemployed stoner, so there's probably no point...
I just need to figure out a good bumper sticker or slogan to respond to the "Right to Keep and Bear Arms petition".  How about--"yup, I like my arms (and legs too!)--now please put down those guns and stop shooting!!!

What Nobody Else will Tell You!

Ever wonder what people are really thinking--behind the white lies and all that other polite junk??? Lets put on our decoder rings and enter some true human thoughts:
What childless people think of kids:
--"they are loud, annoying and sticky, please put them away and don't let them on planes".
What pet-haters think of your dog:
--"dogs are dumb, dangerous and lick their butt. Keep them in muzzles and away from me".
What people with kids (and/or dogs) think:
--"Isn't my kid (or pet) the cutest thing ever???"

What rich people really think of the poor, working or middle class:
--"they are lazy, unmotivated and dim-witted". (think Paul Ryan)
Ed. note here: The well off are usually painfully unaware of privileges they grew up with (family, better genetics, cars or college ed by parents). Blissful denial of their privileged upbringing, leads to a merry enjoyment of wealth without guilt!

What poorer people think of the rich:
--"Maybe it's luck, maybe who you know, but something sure smells fishy"--(this confused
suspicion is what leads to the phenomena known as "voting against ones best interest".)

What thin people think of fat:
--"they are lazy and weak willed." (like any addict, can't turn down a good doughnut)

What fat people think of the thin:
--"they have faster metabolisms and are angry all the time".

What working moms think of the stay-at-home moms:
--"They are a bunch of crazy, ill-informed boobs".

What stay-at-home moms think of working moms:
--"They are selfish twits, only thinking about themselves and possibly drinking too much..."

What men really think about women:
--"I don't care if she's a psycho bitch or dumb as rocks- as long as she's hot".

What women really think about men:
--"I'll handle old, bald and unfaithful --if it involves tons of money" (this one was proven to be crazy true: a university study showed that 75% of college girls would marry a billionaire even if he was a polygamist!)

What Canadians think about Americans:
--"They are a bunch of self-absorbed, undereducated cowboys".

What Americans think about Canada:
--"Canada who?"

Lose Weight, Fix the House and Cure Insomnia!!

Yes, I intend to sound like an infomercial. Because I need to let people know--how I accidentally discovered why us humans are sinking into a pit of obesity and insomnia. I (like everyone else) for the longest time simply thought--well stress less, eat less, exercise more. The kicker is this: I truly never realized what MORE exercise meant.

I have a husband to thank (and blame) for my new wisdom. This summer as we moved from our humble country home of 9 years to a woodsy, yet domestic dwelling-- dear husband had the "fantastic" idea to rent a Uhaul to move our belongings. Then he insisted nobody help us move. That's right--no movers, friends, or suckers (except for me!)
His reasons for this act of hedonism, are still unclear to me. Something about us being more careful or saving money !?...
Either way, as anyone else who has ever moved an American household knows--this is a silly task to try to undertake. But take we did. Even dumber was our decision not to sell the futons, beds, lawn mower, snow blower or big-ass cedar play set. These had to be moved. And how about our library of books? Why does a child have 8 large boxes filled with books?

The best part was, on the day we reserved the Uhaul--the larger sizes were already booked--so we needed to take a smaller truck , resulting in more agonizing trips! yay!

At first, I was ok. We moved bookshelves, boxes , desks up the Uhauls ramp with a dolly. Drove to the new house, unload and repeat. This was incredibly time consuming--and we had to make multiple trips. Add to that the crazy scheme to remove all the screws from the giant playground set and move that too. By that time I was so crazy tired--a big cedar beam hit me in the head and I didn't even notice.

Yet the fun did not end there. The new home we had purchased needed to be cleaned and stripped of its old carpeting. This meant we didn't even unload the furniture into its final resting place. Instead, got to work scrubbing and ripping out carpet pad & carpet, then put in the new floors, and only then moved the furniture from the garage. We spent days and days on this nonsense. Performing hard physical labor from sun up until falling into bed.

But the weird thing is--I kind of miss it. I have never before been that damn tired. The bed (which was a mattress on the basement floor) felt like a magical cloud. I believe in those days I fell asleep in about thirty seconds until the sun woke me again in the morning. At first my muscles sort of hurt, but then they got lean and stronger. The craziest part was the incredible hunger. We would run to fast food restaurants and I would scarf fried cheese sticks (all I craved were fried cheese sticks). My abs got firmer and firmer, but I kept eating and eating--it was incredible.

This whole experience has taught me one thing--our human bodies are made to perform an incredible amount of work. It's almost scary. Simple jogging, or some exercise bike just doesn't cut it. If you want to eat a bunch of carbs or fats--the labor you need to do is just incomprehensible to the average human today. And if you really want to sleep--again, just  a walk around the block isn't going to do much. (but it's better than nothing).  It's like our bodies are made to be heavy duty construction trucks--but all we ask of them is to drive to the mall.

At some point in history we needed that kind of truck. Running away from Woolly mammoths perhaps? Fighting each other with our raw hands over territory? But for this day and age these machines have simply become soft and squishy human beings...
 

Motivated by Mischief

We did the craziest thing this summer---we moved. Moved away from our country acres to a more densely populated area of Alaska. Lucky for us, we still found a property with plenty of woods around us. Fairly good privacy to boot. However, one part of our new land borders a snooty subdivision.
As elsewhere, the perfectly maintained, Mc Mansion subdivisions are tucked away all over Alaska-- with their ubiquitous covenants, beige siding and green lawns. That said, the McMansion closest to our home harbors good, clean cut folks who seem to make a point of never looking in our direction.
I assume it is because of our noisy pets, unmaintained grass and the gall to buy an older home that needs work. Nevertheless, I am ok with it. Don't know what we have in common anyway. The problem is my dog Little Bear.
Now Little Bear has a mysterious background. He just popped up one day at our old property and refused to leave the yard. A proficient thief, he would wonder off during the day, returning with all sorts of strange wares-- string cheese, bones and automotive goods.
We had no choice but to take all our crazy pets with us to the new home. I have tried my hardest to keep them indoors and quiet. But last night was different.
It was late, we had just returned from the State Fair and somehow while tying out Little Bear he slipped loose. Whenever Little Bear gets loose he simply runs. Runs as fast as he can as he tastes his beloved freedom. Worse of all is his love of the chase.
He will come right up to me as I am holding the leash, and then dart off if I try to grab him. Very slippery fellow, and I know of nobody who can catch him.
So off he runs yesterday, and simply to spite me--(as he knew I was softly calling to him in the driveway) he headed straight for the neighbors McMansion. There he teased their large assortment of well-behaved , domestic canines (it is Alaska after all, so everyone does own dogs). This set off the loudest neighborhood commotion and out fly the owners scolding goofy Little Bear. I call to him and he comes back just close enough to dart back into the woods.
I had no choice but to sit in the dark waiting to hear him rustling in the bushes. With dog biscuits in hand, I heard him close by around 11:00pm, again he approached close enough to tease me--then darts off right back to the neighbors driveway!
I see him in their fancy spotlights as he dances around their mini-van. I absolutely can not chase him--as this simply makes the game more fun for him and he runs faster.
The neighbors once again--fly out of their home and release their overly-obedient golden retriever. This nerdy dog, listens to their commands perfectly--makes two circles, chasing Little Bear right into my waiting arms as I snap on the leash.
As these neighbors don't look my way, I never did need to explain the dogs' silly games.
I am however, sure they are wondering why can't I train the beast?? And as I sit here today reviewing facts about dog training, I'm thinking about the first step. You need to recognize what motivates your dog--food, toys, praise--as this will become the reward in the training regime. The problem is--I know exactly what motivates Little Bear: mischief, and I don't know how to incorporate that into a reward system.  

Dreams of the Father, Whatever

About the new Obama '2016' movie--enough already with the speculation of how an absent father may have influenced you!!!
People and the media love to say: "well so-and-so has a mom who does crack, or half-sister who eats rats", constantly jumping on the "apple doesn't fall far from the tree crap." In other words, you must think like your parents do... Well I'll tell you about apples, they are genetically like the tree: red on the outside, seeds and pulp on the inside. Just like humans have similar looks, bodies and raw intelligence as the folks who created us. But opinions, beliefs and values are a choice folks !!! (not to mention they change!)
 
Case in point: my husband and I both have ridiculously racist fathers. Using the N word, freaked out about all sorts of imagined strife. However, as their children --neither one of us have ever agreed with them. Obvious Obama voters, teaching our son that the only reason some people are darker is that "they come from sunnier climates and don't need as much vitamin D!".   
My own father loved to point out how the poor folks in trailer parks "got what they deserved" whenever a tornado leveled the place (read Ayn Rand for more fabulous tips on how to blame the weak and the poor for all their problems). Meanwhile, I have spent my whole adult life ranting and raving about the importance of social welfare to a civilized society.
I would absolutely freak out, if someone said that I must share the beliefs of my father!! (And I hold no anger towards him for these thoughts by the way, as I understand that he is a product of his generation).

 If you want to know what Obama got from his dad, then read his own version of the story! Not the silliness written by some producer who also speculated that scientists are going to over-run the earth with hungry dinosaurs...

How the Conservatives Destroyed Family Dinner Time

The yap, yap, yappers of talk radio always seem to find great enjoyment pointing fingers at feminists, hippies and what have you, blaming them for unraveling the moral threads of our country. With all their crazed requests for birth control and jobs outside of the home--  the whole country has become nothing but a nation of gay-happy liberals going to hell.

But I see a completely different beast clawing away at idealistic America. And it is not a pretty one, as it is the conservative "answer" to all our problems--the free market economy.

Look no further than the recent academic study and photo essay book titled:  "Life at Home in the 21st Century". Typical and honest American families opened their homes and closets to a bunch of scholars that don't really portray them in a positive light at all. Instead, they expose families too busy to enjoy their yards, sit with each other at dinner time and seem to only find time for television. And why do they live like this?? Because of their biggest burden of all: clutter. Dual income families in America apparently work hard to fill storage lockers and garages with crap and toys they will never use.

Of course you can blame them for having issues with "personal restraint"--but what can you do in a nation where every economic indicator is based on stuff like "consumer confidence" and the need to shop, shop and shop to keep the whole system going??

These over-cluttered families report stress and depression from this kind of lifestyle. Many conservatives love to point at the "materialistic values of liberals", but give me a break--what is more clutter inducing and materialistic than an economic system based on the need to spend and consume or the whole thing just collapses?? 

Rainy Alaska and Climate Change

Quite a few months ago, maybe even a year, Rolling Stone magazine wrote an article about Al Gore and climate projections.
The most interesting part of this article was the map insert--showing the "new" expected weather patterns....
Contrary to popular belief--everything wouldn't be "warming" , just changing.  Of course his projections did indicate that the central part of the nation would warm & dry out (and even worse for Mexico). However, the upper East Coast (northeast) and Northwest are to expect more rain. Especially Alaska.
The crazy thing about all this is, that the map was a future projection, but we are living this bizarre weather pattern now.
I know that folks back East have complained about their "new weather"--increased T-storms, or rolling thunderstorms all summer long. And us Alaskans are drowning in cold and wet summers. This is the third summer in a row where the rain pours down all day.  Our once beautiful Alaskan June, has been reduced to a cold and soggy mess. However, we do have lots of water--if only there was a cheap way to export it!

Anchorage is the Worst Dressed City - So What?

So the secret is out: Travel & Leisure mag rated Anchorage, Alaska the worst dressed city in the USA. 
Oh my, now everyone will know why I really live in Alaska....
So, why is being in the worst dressed city actually a good thing?? I'll tell you why:
1- Anyone can look good amongst the worst. I mean don't put any duct tape patches on your parka and scrape that dog poop off your heel and you are good to go! Everyone is sexy and they know it.

2- The financial savings. I can't believe how much money I have saved in Alaska by never having to update my wardrobe. Anyone who actually buys new clothes is mocked until the habit of shopping simply fades away and dies...

3- The simplicity. No giant closets to worry about or fashion magazines to read. Just grab something non-stinky (stinky in the Valley is ok) wipe the dog hair off your socks, and you are dressed.

I will say that now and then, the blood splattered coveralls at the grocery store, or flannel shirts in nice restaurants do bother be. But I guess it's a small price to pay, in order to march around all day as an Alaskan fashion diva - look at me-- I put on clean pants this morning!

Alaska, More Socialist Than Europe?

I just read an article about Europe fighting to keep a few 'socialist' traditions amongst angry calls for austerity measures. It actually made me chuckle, as I recognized some of these so called 'socialist' ideas are alive and well in fiercely conservative Alaska.
Most people in the Lower 48 probably assume that Alaska is as "red state Republican" as they come, and maybe so on election day. But secretly there are no other Americans (besides Hawaiins) that value "work / life balance" over all else.
For example, the Europeans are known for enjoying long weekends around Holiday times. Well every Friday in Alaska is considered an unofficial Holiday. Everyone here knows that all Alaska state employees take every other Friday off, my dentist never works Fridays (or Mondays for that matter) , I know accountants, lawyers, office clerks, etc.. who all follow the "Friday is for fun" rule.  And if it's sunny and warm out, be glad if you can even get a cashier at the grocery store.
Another fun fact: Alaskans don't pay state taxes. Why is that so? Because we tax the evil oil companies instead. And who voted to increase taxes on big oil?? Well the Tea Party sweet heart, Mrs. Sarah Palin. Heck, just for some more socialist fun, when Sarah was governor, she gave every Alaskan a few extra thousand dollars (from the oil companies), on top of the annual Alaskan dividend check-- take that Chavez--you capitalistic goon!
Profits for profits sake, are also strongly discouraged. After over 10 years in Alaska, we still get annoyed when the store associates scold us for wanting to spend money. A typical exchange: I am looking to install hardwood floors".  An Alaskan answer: "what would you want to do that for?" They are much more expensive and won't hold up as well as laminate or vinyl". 
I could go on and on with the secret socialism alive and well here, but I just don't want to give it all away, and cause somekind of mass exodus to Alaska, putting us into austerity mode too!

Truth Abouth Skinny People

I always enjoy writing posts about 'truth' or what I perceive it to be--so here's another one.  
A few years back, my husband and I lost quite a bit of weight. His secret was a drastic dietary change, mostly gluten free, replaced by lean protein. Icy Jane on the other hand, went on her infamous "Bitch and Moan" diet, which is really very simple. I'll share the recipe here: 
Wake up and eat a grapefruit and 4 cups of coffee for breakfast, allow one cup of yogurt for lunch, followed by an average dinner. Continue for 10-14 days. You will be dizzy and cranky. Spend time on the couch bitching and moaning, as exercising (at least for me) just makes me hungrier and destroys all dietary progress. Do not operate heavy machinery.
In about 14 days: it's a miracle--20 pounds are shed.
So here's the truth part: losing the weight was easy, keeping it off harder (as if you haven't heard that before). You will have to drastically reduce the portions, snacks and meals you are used to eating. Then accept that you will feel hungry all the time. Get used to it. The feeling in your belly gets a bit better --(it's been over a year now for me), but sometimes I can't even remember if I ate lunch or not--because the feeling is the same.  
My husband has a slower metabolism, so he barely eats at all. No joke. Black tea, yogurt, fruit and nuts as snacks, and a gluten free dinner--and he exercises like crazy--six hours per week. Poor thing.
The other truth--we are always cold. Now it doesn't help that we reside in friggin Alaska, but Eskimos know best--fat is good in the arctic! Without the extra layer of insulation, it is soooo cold.
You need to have a certain amount of vanity to put up with constant hunger and shivering just to have a good body. Although personally, we feel it was worth it--at least it saves money on the grocery bill! 

Can Children Dare to be Different??

Recently there has been quite a bit of media attention around the increasing amount of autistic spectrum diagnosis. Now, I do not mean to make light of a situation that is obviously a serious issue for many children, I do however have an issue with "autism paranoia".
Years ago, I experienced some "concerned" comments about my own child. There was a slight speech delay and a tendency to "line up toys". It was implied that I was not a great parent for having these issues evaluated, tested and the child tortured. It did not matter that I knew this child was happy and fine....
Then there is another childhood quirk called "flapping", namely a child gets excited and flaps their hands while hopping up and down. My child does this and we find it very cute. But with "autism paranoia" in the air, this same tendency (if you Google it) is considered a horrible red flag and needs to be (and I quote) "redirected to a more appropriate gesture such as clapping". What the hell??
Why am I supposed to redirect my child to become a robot? He is happy, gets good grades, well behaved, and has more empathy towards others than I ever did. It just seems that once again, "fitting in" trumps all rational thinking. Doesn't anyone see that if we only focus on making our children "normal", they will never be extraordinary and dare to achieve greatness??
Do you think that artists, musicians, or scientists "fit in"?? No-- they do not--what makes them awesome are their differences and ability not to fear them.. If we continue to obsess about every childhood quirk, molding our kids to be exactly like everyone else, don't be surprised when their most daring aspiration is to become an ordinary administrative assistant at beige interiors limited....

The Ugly Truth

The other day, I had the unfortunate experience of recognizing my own naivete, regarding how many humans actually want to be humane.
As I was sorting some old papers and articles, I came about an old book review of the "Bell Curve". Race controversy aside, the book seems to statistically explain a common phenomena I observed working with poor and disadvantaged social groups, usually white. It kinds of hits you in the face that the ability to rise up and achieve in society is very often determined by genetic intelligence. Simply put, the smarter your parents were, the more likely you'll make good decisions and be somewhat successful..
Now then, it seemed really obvious to me (and to folks like Warren Buffet) that this genetic tendency towards success or failure naturally shows a good reason to help the unfortunate with more social programs, right? Wrong.
As I read further in the book review, they stated that conservative think tanks embraced the "Bell Curve" findings from a public policy perspective, as it justified eliminating food stamps, medicaid, housing assistance, etc. Say what? I had to re-read this part. As I continued, the article clarified: since these impoverished social groups with lower intelligence will always be poor and never achieve middle class lifestyles, there was no point to subsidize their offspring and encourage breeding.
The only thing they left out, was the logical conclusion of this argument-- that the poor and stupid should just die.
I could not believe this ugly truth.. The same argument I had been using for years to justify social programs - they were using as an argument against ! I always thought Ayn Rand was something of a cruel anomaly with her rants about the "dullards" needing to die, but now I see she is not alone. What a cruel, cruel world we live in.

Add Your Mobile Phone Number

I need to take a moment and comment on the overly bossy request to "add my mobile phone number" when logging into "Blogger". This same bossy little request is also suggested by my email account provider...
The trouble is, these fine folks at Blogger and elsewhere, seem to imply I must actually have a Mobile Phone. Why is it assumed that any live human being, breathing and online, must have a cell phone??
We did temporarily try to fit in with "society" and acquired a "Go-phone" or some sort of similar apparatus. I believe it took about two weeks before my husband lost it in the Bush. (not like a forsythia or something--but off the road system in rural Alaska). Now how does that make our life more secure?

Here are other things we don't have (in case Blogger insists we do): A bathtub, stairs, central heat, or a doorbell. Things we do have: an outhouse, antique glass carboys, moose poop, and stray dogs. Now how I do I enter those numbers upon logging in??

Confusion at the Party

As an outsider, who seems to be blessed by constant exposure to nothing but conservatives and/or Republicans..let me explain why their party is currently so confused...
Conservatives and Republican aren't the same thing--but they think they are. (very funny)
The easiest way to categorize these folks would be to split them in half: Urban Republicans and Rural Republicans.

Urban Republicans like less government, big money, hard liquor, and tend to be socially tolerant. They have no problem with working wives, day care, "government schools" and college. In their opinion, poor people get what they deserve, as they are just lazy. Urban Republicans are secretly quite suspicious of church, home schooling and vegetables.

Rural Republicans, really like the word "conservative". They care more about social issues than making big money. University educations don't really make sense to them, except that they may do more harm than good as they encourage things like "choosing to be a homosexual"...Rural Republicans actually care about the poor, but want to help them without government spending.

The only thing I see these two sides actually having in common is mutual distrust of government. I believe less government makes more sense in the world of the Rural Republicans, as their churches actually perform many government type services on a smaller scale. Urban Republicans simply want to be rich oligarchs--and they know that Government is just standing in their way of world domination..

I would say that's it in a nutshell. It's quite ridiculous, as the Republican party has no idea how to deal with these pretty much opposing view points. Currently they have candidates that represent both sides (Gingrich is an Urban Rep., Santorum Rural Rep.). Interestingly enough, this only helps awaken their voters to the inconvenient problem of two types of Conservatives trying to squeeze under the same hat--and it just doesn't fit.

How to Be A Good East Coast Citizen

Before I begin my obvious tirade, let me explain that the East Coast I am referring to--is the crazy busy corridor between DC, Northern NJ and NYC....
Having spent a bit of my time in this 'cluster of stress' myself, I suggest a simple brochure be given out to newcomers, to make them feel more welcome...

Step One: Acquire dead end job. Make sure you don't actually like the work.
Step Two: Purchase a vehicle and house that you can't afford. These items will help you feel superior to others. You now have the liberty to say: "so and so is lazy". Or weird, or stupid, or socialist...whatever word you choose that makes you feel better about yourself. Make sure you talk about this all the time.
Step Three: Become insanely busy so you get really, really, grumpy. If anyone catches you not being busy, glance at your cell phone to pretend you are.
Step Four: Now that you are grumpy and driving a kick ass car, (while glancing at your cell phone)-- make sure to use your middle finger often-- especially at other drivers. Part of feeling superior is to always remember that your destination trumps all others. Especially when sitting in traffic.
Step Five: Enjoy a slice of pizza. One of the blessings of the East Coast is good, cheap pizza--appreciate it!
Step Six: Purchase asthma inhaler (self-explanatory)
Step Seven: Make sure to tell everyone you meet how stressed out you are. This will no doubt make them cherish and admire you.
(That's it--Simple directions for a complex corridor).

Icy Jane Thaws Out

I have been out of commission for some time, as my fingers and toes froze over in the record breaking Alaskan cold this winter. Luckily, I chose one of the arctic survival methods known to inhabitants of the North: a trip to Hawaii. Of course it sounds elitist--but the traditional cold weather coping mechanisms just didn't cut it this time (which are: saunas, hot tubs, booze and murder).
Anyhow, I prefer my warm weather destinations to be off-the-beaten path, causing me some worry that our destination (the island of Oahu--home to Honolulu) would be a bit too civilized for my liking. How do I quantify off-the-beaten path?? Well that's simple: chickens roaming in unexpected locations. I am the only human I know of, who breathes a sigh of relief, upon discovering a free range chicken in an airport parking lot... As the loose hens serve to remind me that this particular destination is neither overly developed nor boring.
Sadly, the Honolulu parking ramps contained no roaming roosters. Just a lot of Lei stands and warm (yes!) humid air....Downtown Honolulu looked poultry free as well (probably a relief to most tourists)--but I did spot an unexpected animal -- a performing guinea pig. I already knew that guinea pigs are a tad bit smarter than most people give them credit for (as my grandfather had one that came when called). But this urban Honolulu guinea pig, was an actual street performer. Not only did he hang out on a really busy side walk, but when his owner called to him, the golden piggy would jump onto a little surf board for photo ops! He was actually called the "surfing guinea pig...."
But I regress, we didn't really want to spend time in the city, so we drove over the mountains to the windward side of Oahu. I am glad to report the first wild chicken was spotted just 20 minutes outside of the city! Yes, there are chickens and roosters strutting all over Oahu --especially on the North shore. So there is hope after all-- Oahu is still not completely domesticated and tamed. Although it is obvious that the developers and locals are in turmoil over this: as I did spot quite a few "keep the country, country" bumper stickers and banners fighting eminent domain. Of course, as with any other beach front area in the US or elsewhere, the uber-rich feel that the poor and middle class "don't deserve" ocean front property and they must be removed in the name of sprawling estates....Nevertheless, I take comfort that (for now) those wild places still exist.