Icy Jane Thaws Out

I have been out of commission for some time, as my fingers and toes froze over in the record breaking Alaskan cold this winter. Luckily, I chose one of the arctic survival methods known to inhabitants of the North: a trip to Hawaii. Of course it sounds elitist--but the traditional cold weather coping mechanisms just didn't cut it this time (which are: saunas, hot tubs, booze and murder).
Anyhow, I prefer my warm weather destinations to be off-the-beaten path, causing me some worry that our destination (the island of Oahu--home to Honolulu) would be a bit too civilized for my liking. How do I quantify off-the-beaten path?? Well that's simple: chickens roaming in unexpected locations. I am the only human I know of, who breathes a sigh of relief, upon discovering a free range chicken in an airport parking lot... As the loose hens serve to remind me that this particular destination is neither overly developed nor boring.
Sadly, the Honolulu parking ramps contained no roaming roosters. Just a lot of Lei stands and warm (yes!) humid air....Downtown Honolulu looked poultry free as well (probably a relief to most tourists)--but I did spot an unexpected animal -- a performing guinea pig. I already knew that guinea pigs are a tad bit smarter than most people give them credit for (as my grandfather had one that came when called). But this urban Honolulu guinea pig, was an actual street performer. Not only did he hang out on a really busy side walk, but when his owner called to him, the golden piggy would jump onto a little surf board for photo ops! He was actually called the "surfing guinea pig...."
But I regress, we didn't really want to spend time in the city, so we drove over the mountains to the windward side of Oahu. I am glad to report the first wild chicken was spotted just 20 minutes outside of the city! Yes, there are chickens and roosters strutting all over Oahu --especially on the North shore. So there is hope after all-- Oahu is still not completely domesticated and tamed. Although it is obvious that the developers and locals are in turmoil over this: as I did spot quite a few "keep the country, country" bumper stickers and banners fighting eminent domain. Of course, as with any other beach front area in the US or elsewhere, the uber-rich feel that the poor and middle class "don't deserve" ocean front property and they must be removed in the name of sprawling estates....Nevertheless, I take comfort that (for now) those wild places still exist.

You Can Cancel That Cell Phone Plan and Much More!

Are you spending too much time utilizing wireless technology? Watching too many movies, satellite TV? Video games?
Well do I have a proposition for you!
You can purchase our semi-rural Alaskan property and throw away all those techno gadgets, Netflix subscriptions, pay per view movies and other assorted technological time wasters....How does this work you may ask?
Well it's easy with our simple two step plan> Step 1--There are no cable lines or satellite reception here anyway, so that easily eliminates various digital entertainment options.
Step 2--In case you are inclined to rent videos or watch NBC (one of our three TV stations) purchasing this property will ensure that those too become unavailable to you, as you will never have a spare moment to sit in front of the boob tube again.
How's that? you may wonder. Well in the wintertime, there are hours and hours of fun to be had cleaning the freakishly long circular drive--don't worry, it's way too cold for plows, ATV's or lawn tractors to start up (no wimpy garage here, folks!) and do the job, so you'll have plenty of options to use good old fashioned sweat energy and shovels. (the shovels will break too-- added fun!) In the meantime, if the temperature happens to climb above "freeze your nose right off"--that means the ice dams are forming on the roof.
Simply take one of your six cracked shovels, climb the scary ladder, and start shoveling up high on the roof, preferably at a weird angle! The best part is--the ice will form crazy thick pools that you will need to remove utilizing some sort of heavy metal device, damaging the shingles as you work! Yippee. (keep extra shingles and a bucket of tar handy)
And it doesn't end, because as soon as the roof is clean, never fear--it will start snowing again and you can do it all over again!

Welcome to the Freeze Lodge

I just saw a headline referring to the gruesome Sweat Lodge death incident from a few years back. This was a horrible event, but begs the question: why would normal upper income Americans sign up to be "tortured" in order to gain spiritual enlightenment? I can sort of see the point, as I subject myself to outhouses a few times a year--then return home and give thanks to the porcelain toilet! Don't take for granted the glory of this flushing wonder!!!
So if there really is a market for purposeful hardships then I welcome all to: IcyJanes' Freeze Lodge.
I promise low rates, for the experience of sitting in my personal yard (or woods) --your choice-- during the Alaskan winter. (Today's high temp is -4) Experience the wonder of your nostrils freezing shut. I will provide a non-insulated tent, campfire wood, grill, Hebrew National Franks and a knit hat. Please bring your own gloves and snow pants.
I also don't want to harm anyone--so if you are getting weirdly sleepy out there, you can quit...please pay before quitting.
Another option would be the "Alaska Skeeter Lodge!"
This is the summer version of my back yard. See how long you can endure the grueling bites of thousands of hungry mosquitoes...Again, there will be a non-insulated tent and frankfurters provided. The hardest part is peeing around all those mosquitoes, as ass skin seems to be slightly thinner --so they really like it. Nevertheless, you will go home enlightened and very appreciative of walls and netting.
Booking now for the 2011 and 2012 season, please inquire for further details.

My Own Thermostat Challenge

I read about it all the time in various homesteader and eco-minded publications--"the great thermostat challenge." The gist of it is usually the same: how low can you go?? Can you handle turning your home's temp down from 72 to 68 or whatever? Can you put on more socks instead of heat?
Well I have my own challenge this year, and it's quite the opposite. Can I handle turning the thermostat up???
I propose this challenge for my own family not because we like to waste energy or money, but simply because we want to live through the winter. The family of Icy Jane would win the silly thermostat challenge almost every stinkin year. Simply because we reside in a sunless arctic climate, where the temperature is known to hover somewhere around -18 F for weeks at a time. We get zero solar / sun heat for the four coldest months, and have an old claptrap home, that is just plain futile to try and insulate.
The resulting situation is as follows: we heat with wood at night and turn off the "stove" (the only mechanical heat source in the house is one propane monitor stove in the living room). Of course by 7:00am, even with an awesome wood stove--the temp in the living room is back down to 48 by morning (or much lower--the thermostat indoors stops at 48). Not to mention the unheated bedrooms, which usually have ice in all the closets. It is quite amazing to include shaking ice off clothing as part of ones' morning ritual. Then we all jump up and down and complain for five minutes while huddling in front of the monitor stove. (including the dogs that run in frisky manic circles)
Getting too close to this little power house stove results in weird burns on my back, but it's a small price to pay, in order to actually feel heat.. After putting on two pairs of socks (one wool), long underwear and sweaters, we hop around the house some more times and continue complaining.
I do set the stove to 62 degrees--but that seems to be the temperature only in the living room. The dining room usually hovers around 52. We actually have friends in Anchorage who have told us point blank, that they refuse to come to our arctic hell hole for dinner. (they did try, bless their hearts, to pack slippers and sweaters a few times)
So our new lifestyle of choice is seeing if we can handle setting the monitor stove to 66 instead of 62! The thought of it seems so luxurious and foreign I don't know if I can handle it at all. It will certainly cost us more money, and even at 66, the bedrooms will still be icy....but if I have the gall, I may just try it this winter.

Telephone Book Woes

One day they just appeared. Our homes' strange circular driveway, with three different exit points, doesn't necessarily look conventional or make any sense. Nevertheless, that is no excuse for GCI Yellowpages to deposit two telephone books at the end of each of these driveways!
But there they were--6 telephone books total, all officially dumped and unwanted on our private property.

First I called GCI directly--they explained that they have nothing to do with telephone book delivery, and directed me to another number. (seriously, nothing to do with your own book?)
So I proceeded to call the phone book delivery agency, and they too directed me to another number. This 3rd number was actually more productive, as the lady on the other end apologized and said they would be by in a few days to pick up the unwanted 'materials'.
So I stacked the phone books neatly at the end of one driveway to await their departure.

Alas, three weeks went by, and nobody ever came by for the neglected telephone books. At this point, the relentless Alaskan rain had also soaked right through their crappy plastic wrap--resulting in a soggy, yellow mess.
I called the delivery/pick up number once again--and no real surprise here--a message informed me that this number was now out of service.
Ok, next plan. The dump would cost me $$ and wasn't the eco-choice, so I contacted recycling. They would of course take them, but again at a fee. They also rip them up into smaller pieces by hand, so the books needed to be dry.
Yikes, my books were wet and gross to boot. So on the next sunny day, I spread them out on the lawn to dry. The darn things started to dry, but not really. So I tried again, and again. But by the 4th try I realized these thick soggy suckers were not going to dry out. Instead they were developing mold and mildew--even better. These were not items I could conscientiously bring to our happy volunteer-run recycling center.

Now, our large rural property happens to have a strange sink hole. We don't know why, but it's about 4 feet wide and five feet deep. It's sort of off a trail, and not really noticeable. Nevertheless, it would probably be a good idea to begin filling it. Low and behold I happened to have 6 biodegradable telephone books handy.
I hauled the heavy, moldy books off to the sink hole---dumped them in and said good bye once and for all. I sort of neglected to tell my husband of this disposal plan, as I knew he didn't share my vision for what sort of items were "compostable" and thought paper goods should not be merrily hidden in the woods somewhere. Well I figured the leaves would soon cover up the contents of the sink hole anyway, so what was the point of telling him?

This past weekend we drove to Whittier to pick salmon berries. As we drove along the dirt road to the trail head, we dodged quite a few puddles and pot holes. I casually mentioned to my husband to maybe drive around the enormous puddles instead of through them, stating: "you know I get nervous going through deep puddles, as you never know what could be at the bottom". He turned to me and smiled, replying: "like a pile of phone books?"

Alaska Slip and Slide

For quite some time now, we have been doing the Alaska homestead thing. Not to the point of cutting off our electricity and consuming only moose meat. But more like 'homesteading lite'-- berry picking, growing whatever vegetable may survive relentless rain, and heating our drafty little home with wood.
The problem is, the wood thing is getting tiresome.
I do have a foggy recollection of the previous occupants saying something about how nice it was to finally pull out the old wood stove and get some modern oil heat...but that just sounded like old timer talk, nothing to heed as we ran out and stuck a new wood stove back in the house.
To be frank --it's actually a beautiful thing--our modern stove, with low smoke & odor. It's also one of the nicest ways to spend those relentless 18 hour Alaska nights--cuddling by the stove, doing puzzles, watching TV.
The problem is-- those darn cords of wood. People who romanticize wood burning just don't understand how large a cord of wood is (I just looked it up--128 cubic feet). And you need at least that much wood if you want a full month of burn time in a drafty Alaskan house.
There is the process of wood cutting, measuring, splitting with a maul, etc. until you get to stacking. Stacking a cord of birch is like playing Jenga with 15 pound weights. The whole pile can easily topple over on your foot, hand or other body part--leaving you no choice but to start again, except now you have an injury. On top of that--this year's wood pile happened to have interesting molds and mushroom growths, along with the occasional weird ass giant bug. Speaking of bugs, the worst of course are the ubiquitous mosquitoes--stinging happily along your sweaty hair line, as you are stacking said wood.
Last Saturday we were partaking in this family fun fest, and the temperature actually rose to a balmy 72 degrees. On a sunny Alaskan day, 72 easily gets too hot to continue endlessly with wood work. Thus a diversion was set up--the Slip and Slide.
There really is nothing that unusual about setting up a Slip and Slide--just attach the garden hose and you are good to go. This particular model also happened to have a small wading pool that filled at the bottom of the slide--for added splash fun. I chose to sit out the actual sliding part--(heeding the warning about the risk of life long disability) -however I did stick my feet into the wading pool part. As usual I felt the shock of our well water take over, turn my legs red and force me to leap out of the frigid water. I was watching the others purposely slide repeatedly into this pool of glacial water--and decided it was time to measure the water's temperature. Our spring is fed from a glacial river, originating from a large prehistoric ice chunk just 11 miles upriver. We have often wondered, just what temperature was the water feeding the sprinkler, faucet and wading pool? Seemed unusually chilly. So I finally stuck a good thermometer into the Slip and Slide pool--and low and behold watched it drop to a nice and balmy 39 degrees F. Do they call child services for stuff like that in the Lower 48?

Moose and Rainbows!

A while back, a guy posted an emotional double rainbow video on Youtube--here is my version, but it is actually a triple rainbow- take that !

Little visitors, just babies--don't know where mamma is.

This could be dad. He is the size of a small tank.

The Wasilla Windbag Speaks

I know the taping of Sarah Palin's Alaska happened already over the summer, so her little "I feed my kids smores " comment to protest Michelle Obama's (horrid!) recommendations against childhood obesity are already way outdated.....But nevertheless, I need to comment.

This again is like the millionth example of why Sarah P. has absolutely no critical thinking skills. It is a fact that Palin lives in Wasilla--surrounded by a huge population of people struggling with obesity. As I know locals bump into her at the Wasilla Wal-Mart, she must be aware of this. She does not pretend to surround herself with the well-off or well-educated.

So in Sarah's brain the obesity epidemic looks something like this: "well these poor folks choose to eat lots of chips, cakes and soda, yet don't exercise. Bless them and their future health problems, because it is their choice as Americans, you betcha!".

Here's where her thinking stops. Just stops I tell you. She can't comprehend what's next. Does she think low income obese people just disappear? Or do they all have some kind of magical free-market health plans that take care of life-style related illnesses and pay for them?

Back to reality--I worked for two years in low income disability services in Wasilla Alaska. Sarah's precious town. Does she have any idea how many people in WASILLA apply for Social Security Disability payments due to lifestyle related illness? A conservative estimate would be about 1/2 of those applying for SSDI had lifestyle disability. Heart disease, Diabetes II, lung cancer. Not to mention the Medicare & Medicaid payments.

So in Sarah's world, the Government has no right to recommend what to eat--just pay the disability $$ later on? Oh no, that's right -the Tea Party feels we should slash SSDI payments and Medicaid, etc....Those non-constitutional entitlement programs. So the answer for Sarah is: (if you can swallow this) "Eat what you want precious child. Get diabetes and heart disease--then I will make sure your government never pays to care for you, ha, ha!"

So is she just dumb, or EVIL?

This Just in: Joe Miller Explodes

Update: 12:30Pm AKST.
Joe Miller was seen this morning at the Ted Stevens Anchorage airport. He had arrived in his usual manner, driving a large souped up Hummer, sporting an American flag and AK47. His mission appeared to be airport pick up of minions and lawyer goons. Scores of paranoid and vindictive Miller associates were expected to arrive any minute to help Joe with his fight against fellow Republican , Lisa Murkowski.
Due to wet snow and ice in the Anchorage area, the flight was delayed. Joe became visibly angry. As his face reddened he stomped around the airport screaming: "The Federal FAA needs to be dismantled-- It is our constitutional right to fly in bad weather."
In order to appease himself, Joe handcuffed a ticket agent to a chair- for being an enemy of the state. This quick fix didn't last, as the television monitors announced more write-in votes coming in amongst absentee ballots. The lamestream media was reporting they were most likely for Lisa Murkowski.
Joe began hyperventilating and barricaded himself behind the ticket counter screaming: "Those votes are all for Mickey Mouse, I will read every damn ballot myself and fight it!--stop with the conspiracy!" "Alaskans can't spell--they shouldn't even be allowed to vote ! repeal the 17th!"..............then KABOOM!
He simply imploded into 4000 little pieces. Right there in the terminal. Full story on the 10:00 news.

The Irony of Alaska's Joe Miller

Alaska has it's own circus going on right now regarding the upcoming election. Lisa Murkowski's non-traditional write in bid is actually quite boring (yawn) compared to the wacky, wacky contradictions of Tea Party sweetheart Joe Miller...
I can't quite figure out, who is a Joe Miller fan? Ok, the well-off, I see some nice houses with Joe signs and that makes sense to me--they are doing well, don't want more taxes, and screw the "lazy poor".
But it's the underprivileged voters that get my goat--the trailers and yards full of jalopies with their "constitutional freedom" and "Joe Miller" signs that send my mind spinning...
So these not-rich folks, want to benefit less from government programs--like Denali kidcare (medicaid) or social security...right? and then these poor folks also don't want to pay their imaginary taxes -- (aren't you exempt from taxes at low incomes in this country ?)
Whatever. The great irony of Joe Miller is that without much advanced snooping, the press is all over his past of government programs--are there any he didn't even apply for?? I mean farm subsidies, unemployment, low income hunting license and Denail kidcare (medicaid) for his kids.

Now Joe's statement is "my family has had its struggles". Ok, so the Miller family struggled, used these programs, he got a good education & job, then zoomed ahead in the capitalist system. But excuse me--no other poor person should have these 'unconstitutional' benefits, right? And the best part is-- that he can fool a bunch of uneducated people to put signs in their yard in support of 'no benefits for me' (heaven forbid they become successful like Joe Miller--right??)
There used to be a joke: that an environmentalist is someone who builds a house in the woods, and then doesn't allow anyone else to do so.
I guess the new joke is: a Tea Party conservative is someone who uses government benefits to get ahead--and then doesn't allow anyone else to do the same....

Never Ending Poop Saga

Now that the excavator showed up and dug up our sewer line one would think that my poop lifestyle would finally come to a reprieve. Unfortunately, I have no such luck.
After the excavator left, my husband mentioned he had chatted with him briefly about the septic tank. It appears that (behind my back) the dude mentioned to my husband that the entrance to our septic was jammed with a "kotex like material". WTF does that imply?
Am I so stupid (being the sole female in the household) to not know that after 9 years of living with a septic system I should not flush a giant maxi pad down the toilet?? Doesn't every woman on earth know not to do such a thing? (Even in a city system.) Did we have crazy guests over just itching to dispose of their feminine products down our country toilet??? Or do imps and gnomes show up and flush kotex down my toilet? What could this "product" really be?

Luckily the power went out due to a windstorm that knocked the neighbors tree down--distracting me from fuming about the sexist assumption that women screw up septic systems...So we took the dogs to the "self-serve dog wash"--a popular thing in Alaska instead of fancy groomers. Two hours later the beasts were brushed and clean. Unfortunately the dogs don't think of this as clean--they think of it as "odor vulnerable" or something like that.
The first thing they do at home is try to rub their necks in dirt (I have been told that is where the scent glands are). We steered them away from this activity, and they spent the night smelling like spring breezes and sunshine.
Of course the following day, they had had enough and sensed their canine opportunity when I opened the front door--sprinting past me in a mad gallop...heading for the hills. I can never stop the 120 pounds of determined muscle when they decide to knock me over and run away. I had a good idea where they were heading though--the neighbors house.
Sure enough, they returned only 20 minutes later, and Dingbat was covered with a yellow substance--horse manure. She just had to roll in horse manure...! That will show us to stop trying to get away from our poop-centric lifestyle...good grief, it's my calling.

The Queen of Suburban Angst

Just like the public health community spreads the word of the latest salmonella outbreak, Arcade Fire has their own PSA, warning of the dangers of suburban angst..
I guess it's good to get knowledge of this social disease out in the open. But as I myself was once a self-professed Queen of Suburban angst, (well before it was identified as a marketable medical condition) I feel I have a few valid observations.
First of all, I cured my suburban angst quickly and completely by moving to Alaska. Luckily, once you are cured of this condition, it is much easier to reflect on its cause.
The first observation is that not everyone does hate the suburbs (wow!). Only after leaving did I realize that parents feel their kids are safe there, kids like to ride their bikes around and don't even need to fear their neighbors! Neat stuff.
Now the angst part usually only develops when you are a teenager. The two causes of angst are: A) realizing that safety is boring (as any philosopher will note: humans crave adversity). B) it is exhausting to constantly conform and "fit in".
At first one might think that only the artsy goth kids hate conformity. But now as an adult I realize that the peppy kids had it even harder. I mean by accepting that you aren't one of them, you can just breathe, claim your angst and detour around the conformity game. But if you are actually succeeding, then watch out--you need your eyes on the ball 24/7--are you wearing the right clothes, saying the right thing...? Then adults need to watch out for the proverbial Joneses next door--keeping up with the right car, landscaping and heaven forbid you have not painted your house beige!
The funny thing is, after overcoming my own suburban angst, I realize the safety thing isn't bad for little children after all, and can't say that everyone living in the suburbs will become nuts. On the other hand, those beige houses have got to go....

What Does 911 Have to do With Wasilla?

I am so frustrated having to drive around southcentral Alaska this week and see signs announcing "Rally to remember 911" at Wasilla sports complex. I have been in Alaska every year since 911 and nobody has given more than the occasional mini-speech or moment of silence up until now (sometimes not even that). Why the new interest in 2010?

As someone who actually was in the NY area during 911 I find this whole neo-concern obnoxious and suspicious at best. I don't know how many Alaskans were in NY then and saw the persistent smoke--(it went on for weeks), the strange smell in the air, the silence on the radio followed by excessive Enya songs for days on end....Not to mention the larger, more painful things--missing persons, knowing of a friend of a friend who was lost, or on their way downtown. The anxiety or phone calls from far away asking if you were ok, military jets flying overhead....

But now 9 years later Wasilla is all up in arms and going to show a massive graphic 911 slide show, supposedly with G. Beck and S. Palin in attendance--why? It doesn't sound like a vigil or respectable memorial service for the dead. The only thing a slide show will accomplish is getting people all paranoid again. Those images had to be stopped on the National media years ago, because they were scaring children!! Remember folks, all those ominous warnings--but yet nothing significant like this has happened in the 9 years since--so why get peoples panties in a bunch now?? I shudder to think what their real motive is to perpetuate this fear out of the blue.

Iditarod Dreams

The Iditarod makes me cry--especially watching the ending at Front Street in Nome, Alaska. (they show this live on TV in Alaska).
But I do not cry out of sadness for the doggies or something like that. No, I cry because the Iditarod sled dog race--1,000 miles through remote Alaskan wilderness is just so incredible. These mushers don't sleep, get hit by trees, suffer broken bones & illness--some of the most adventurous athletes I have ever seen.
And the craziness of the trail--moose, wolves, half frozen rivers, -40 degree temperatures. It's so wild and primitive. And just about 70 humans a year try this sort of thing.
Compare that to the millions upon millions sitting at their desks , sipping coffee, driving a Honda home after work to watch CSI on TV--that's about as adventurous as most Americans get.
But here is this great sled dog race-- completely wild and difficult. It touches my heart that dreamers everywhere can still pursue this sort of crazy challenge--that everything hasn't been made boring and safe. And one can still dream of a wild and beautiful world.....

How Alaskans Save Money

I watch these ridiculous shows on National TV with little bits about how to save families money. Ha, ha. They just reinforce my beliefs that what the average American "needs" could easily be considered luxuries.
Like these programs will show you the best deals on spring dresses and handbags. Or cell phone plans..I mean give me a break. We have created a culture where if you don't have a new dress at work people will think you are disturbed. What the heck do ladies put in those giant handbags anyway? Lapdogs? And doesn't anyone remember life before cell phones? Somehow we lived.
So here's the Alaskan way to save money:
1) Live anywhere but Anchorage
2) Clothes are anything that keeps you warm. Doesn't matter if it is stained or even bloody. You can wear coveralls anywhere and one set of warm boots is all you wear all winter. Ladies with heels are mocked. (Women as well as men have the same standard) Fancy fashion means a new set of Carharts.
3)There is nothing at all to put into a ladies handbag. It only gets in the way. Car keys can fit in your pocket, carry cash.
4) Drive whatever goes. Especially if it has 4x4--keep it forever. A few dings and dents just show character. Always make fun of Mercedes Benz.
5)If you happen to have a lot of money buy an RV or boat (or both) but never upgrade your wardrobe. That's snobby.
6) If you want cheap eats- kill something or berry pick.
7) High heating costs? Purchase a log splitter.
8) Screw make up and perfume, cologne--you always smell like wood smoke anyway.

I can't tell you how much money we have saved simply by living in a state where there is no pressure to own fancy clothes, cars or tend your lawn...

The Lost Souls of the Alaska Playground

I know juvenile delinquents exist everywhere. But there's a special breed of lost boys running around Alaska. A co-worker and I coined them the "lost souls". You see them in the Mat-Su Valley parking lots, with skate boards in hand, dirty black clothes and anger in their eyes. It's not the clothes or the boards that bother me--it's that angry "devil may care" look. You know they are going home to unhappy homes in turmoil when these kids (ages 8-12, no joke) have so much hate in their eyes. I know the difference between bratty posers and real trouble, but these are the real deal.
Today I was at a park in Alaskan suburbia-- a.k.a Eagle River. I was surprised that two of these lost souls were at the playground in this otherwise more gentile region. The two lost boys proceeded to pick on a nicer boy, first by taking his bike helmet, then his bike. They told the boy he could get his bike back for twenty dollars. (Did I mention the tormentors were not a hair over 9 years old)??? I had had enough when they pushed the poor kids bike down a small embankment. So I proceeded to intervene--at least it gave the picked on child a chance for a graceful exit. I sternly told the punks that their attitudes were disturbing and they should go home to their parents--one looked me in the eye and angrily said--wish I could! Of course the bleeding heart liberal inside of me (or is it the old fashioned conservative?)knew that was the case. But what to do?? These kinds of kids are just gone already. If a nine year old is that mean and the parents aren't around, they are just doomed to delinquency. But I don't have the answer.

Wasilla Alaska Rednecks 101

There has been a shocking amount of interest in the love drama between Sarah Palin's daughter and her baby daddy, Levi. Looking at all the media hype, many like to refer to the boy's apparent redneck pride.
Well let me tell you folks a few quick factoids about Wasilla:
1st- Many, many residents of Wasilla wear their redneck label as a badge of honor. Instead of "redneck" the other favorable term of endearment is "Valley Trash", as in "Proud to be Valley Trash" bumper stickers. (this term was actually coined by Ben Stevens, Senator Ted Stevens son)
2nd- Wasilla is the duct tape and Wal-Mart capital of the world. Don't know the exact standing as of today, but record amount of folks congregate at the Wasilla Wal-Mart and spend many of their purchasing dollars on Duct tape.
3rd- Wasilla high school has been called a "drop out Factory". There is not much stigma at all attached to dropping out of school in some parts of Alaska. Note that the baby-daddy himself may not have graduated.
4th- Wealth in Wasilla is measured purely by the size of your truck tires.
5th- It's hard to relate to the rest of the country as a born and bred Wasilla person. Note how Bristol's baby daddy was chewing gum on stage at the RNC! Yikes! I actually felt bad for him and just wish someone had told him to spit it out!!
Lastly: Some folks drive around with "Lord Help Me Get Through Wasilla" bumper stickers. I still haven't figured out if that means--help me avoid pulling over at the local meth lab, or please don't let me get struck by a monster truck....

That said, I really don't want to engage in too much Palin bashing, after all she is freakishly likable. But people really need to to get a better picture of what Wasilla really is. And is the world ready for it??

IDITAROD 2008 - Off They Go!!

Every year we sincerely enjoy watching the Iditarod mushers launch off for their adventure into the great Alaskan Wilderness. This year an unprecedented amount of mushers have begun the race: 96 teams. Also I noticed an increase in the amount of Europeans competing with representatives from Germany, England, Norway, Belgium and Italy.
Of course with the excitement of Iditarod comes the complaints of the naysayers. I just did a quick Google search to read up on some of the doomsayers impressions of this sport and what I found was utterly amazing. Comments like all mushers beat their dogs, the dogs are dragged to their death and even made into mittens!! Incredible stuff.
I can only imagine that the Iditarod critics have never seen the race in person. The crazy way the dogs leap with joy to begin running, the obsessive veterinary care, or the HUGE public outcry when a musher gets caught hurting a dog. Maybe sled dogging years ago was a more brutal sport, but these days great care is taken to keep it humane.
Off the top of my head, here are just a few of the positives this race brings:
1- Interest in an outdoor sport, with minimal environmental impact. Just come to Alaska and see how many people love to "tear shit up" on ATV's and snowmachines and you'll be begging for more dog teams.
2- History and tradition. The Iditarod keeps the public interested and financially supporting an ancient arctic tradition. It is a great experience for the youths in small villages with a proud history.
3- The only gender and age neutral sport I know of. The humans are incredible athletes when they run Iditarod, and they literally run. Many mushers spend most of the race running behind or in front of the sleds to motivate the dogs. And I have never seen a more varied pool of human athletes, where 18 year old boys compete in the same competition as 62 year old women and vice versa!
4- Mushers are dog lovers and some dogs just love to run. I'm sorry, but why is keeping an obese cock-a-poodle on a couch more humane than running a dog through the snow?

I just wish the energies of the anti-sled dog people could be used for better things. So many nations treat dogs much worse that the Unites States or so many dogs are euthanized daily in this country. Even worse, what about the treatment of pigs, waiting to become bacon? They are about as smart as dogs, but not many people care about the poor pig.

Alaska Wolf Pups in Peril

A very disturbing article was recently printed in the Anchorage paper (1/19/2008). It seems that a remote Native community is advocating for its right to kill wolf pups in their dens. There is even a term for this activity- "denning". The Alaska department of Fish and Game has begun seriously considering such proposals as well.
The argument is two fold: again, folks are concerned about low moose populations. And secondly, this particular Native community is claiming that "denning" is actually an old cultural tradition.
Native I am not, so I can not factually confirm or deny the history of this activity. However, various sources report that this a stunning new claim, without much credibility.
Regardless of the historical significance, wildlife management and hunting practices have evolved and changed dramatically in recent years. The most significant change being the relative ease with which one can hunt via snowmachine (snowmobile) or ATV. This leads to more access and higher kill rates. Of course how many moose are actually killed in remote areas is often under reported. This is definitely a more serious threat to moose management than the wolves.

I do hope that the story of the wolf pups makes the national media. A ton of outrage is needed to stop this barbaric activity from returning to Alaska. The Alaska Wildlife Alliance (www.akwildlife.org) is a good contact for more info, as are letters of complaint to the Governor of Alaska (www.state.ak.us)

Keeping Up With the Joneses--Alaskan style

I always love to comment on how many Americans are obsessed with the game of "Keeping Up With the Joneses". Or as it is also know: achieving some sort of perceived status through material gain...
One of the most interesting things about Alaskans is that most of them don't participate in that sort of lifestyle. Sure, new folks move to the state all the time and proceed to hide in color-coded gated communities, or lobby for more shopping malls. Yet outside of Anchorage, the majority of Alaskans still march around in dirty coveralls and drive beat-up pick up trucks. What makes it interesting, is that Alaskans have money, they just don't care about the status quo. If they did--I have devised a list of how to 'keep up with your Alaskan neighbors'...

1- Collect as many jalopies as possible, then arrange strategically throughout your property.
2- Build the perfect out-house and get it published in any of the outhouse books & calendars.
3- Go shopping in rubber boots- "xtra-tuffs"- it shows that you just may have been fishing.
4- Park a giant RV on your front-lawn, then use it only once a year.
5- Also obtain a large steel, shipping crate. Store yard sale finds within in.
6- Do not side your house--only leave the Tyvek showing, this proves that you are smarter than the tax assessor.
7- Obtain a horse or livestock to take care of the yard. Never be seen pushing a lawn mower.
8- Park the snowmachine in clear view, then everyone will know you are adventurous.
9- Always be seen in dirty work overalls. It shows that you are tougher than any professional.
10-Make sure your pick-up truck has large tires, is covered in mud & has at least one obscene bumper sticker.