Just Click for Merry

So tis the season to gripe about the materialism of Christmas.  The one time of year when it's perfectly ok for everyone to live in a quasi-socialist La-La land and pretend that our American economy would not collapse without materialism.
Well my gripe is more specific. I'm not going to complain about the consumeristic pyramid scheme that is our economy. No, not this time. My gripe is that we have lost the magic of materialism.
What? Magical materialism. That's right. 
I remember my own childhood--when a few days before Christmas, packages would arrive at the front door. Now and then an exotic wooden box full of tropical oranges--individually wrapped in purple paper! Or how about the carefully prepared box from auntie, snuggled in brown craft paper? Lying within, one would find a lovely assortment of packages, each wrapped in different colored gift wrap, labeled with a pretty tag and a fancy department store box!
The truth is--I can no longer remember the gifts inside the boxes. But I do remember the excitement of receiving these pretty packages!! How fun it was to sort and open them all!
As an adult--I can't stand gifts. (Gift: a four letter word for more clutter). But something about a mysterious package with pretty paper around it, still peaks even a curmudgeons curiosity!
But here we are, Christmas 2014, and I am surrounded by the conspiracy that is non-magical online shopping. Personally, I never partake. No sir. I fight the hoards, go to stores, wrap and box it up, then stand in the crazy US postal service line --(and if you have ever seen these lines in Alaska, you know this is no laughing matter!!) And why? Because I care-- damn it! I might be out of my mind --but at least I sweat, ran out of tape, got paper cuts, slipped on the ice, caught germs, shopped local, and stood around endlessly--all to send out these ridiculous gifts!!!
And what do we get in exchange?? Online shopping. Big brown anonymous boxes dropped on our doorstep. No pretty paper, ribbons, gift tags or magic. Just ubiquitous big box store items, that I totally could have purchased myself---- half drunk in a bathrobe, thank you very much. 
But I will rejoice--as although my own snail shopping by foot, sweat, tears and car has left me exhausted and crazed, I have been lovingly spared the hassle of injuring my index finger while "clicking here"--now that's Holly Jolly!

Don't Mind the Loud Music, but the Hens....

Somehow I just can't get away from red-neck tendencies. I try and try...and there I go again, doing something utterly tacky like housing livestock in the basement. 
But let me explain. My two little chickens decided to protest the Alaskan winter. Now, it's been a mild Alaskan winter (thank you Lower 48!!) but nevertheless, not one for tropical birds (true factoid about chicken evolution).
The hens had a happy home in a horse stall with a heat lamp-- which was good enough most of the summer. However, once November rolled around, the chooks just gave up on laying and started looking a tad sad.
Well then we thought-- Why are we making the chickens miserable ?And not even getting any eggs to boot??
The only "logical place" I had available for them--(and no, we don't have the expertise to build an insulated chicken coop, nor happen to have $600 dollars for one!) was our basement.
Luckily, I can keep it a tiny bit classy, because we happen to have two separate basements. One that is nicely finished for humans, and another section that is heated--but nothing but a slab of cement and a window (kind of creepy, no?)
Yet, pretty good for chickens. I built them a fenced in area, put down sand (like a giant litter box) some roosts and their nesting box--voila! They are content.
Two days after defrosting their little chicken butts, I heard the tell tale "egg song". Yes, they were happy enough to begin laying again!
But alas, it didn't go as expected. As anyone who has ever heard the "egg song" knows-- it is freakishly loud! And both my chickens seem to enjoy the racket for a good 5 minutes or so. But in their new "chicken digs" they also happen to be directly under a forced air heating vent.
 Thus the incessant squawking sound travels upstairs, right up the vent that smacks up against a sleeping dog.
The dog awakes with an indignant barking frenzy--proclaiming: "holy shit, who let the poultry into the house!?"
This angry barking, resonates right back down the heating vent, forcing the chickens into a mad panic: "oh my, oh my, there is a dog in here!!" So instead of finishing their egg laying, they run around "like chickens with their heads cut off".
I was worried there was going to be an impacted egg (how long can they hold it in after all??) Even gave my husband instructions on how to give the chicken a warm bath and lubricate the vent 'as needed' to remove said egg (ha!)
Not necessary.
As the next morning, the chickens gave it another shot.
Once again, loud egg song. But this time my 9 year old son was on the case. He screamed--"Blast the radio! Blast the music!"  Running to the stereo and turning up a classical symphony...confusing the dogs, who could no longer process the chicken sounds. We ran to the basement, and yes-- success! An egg.
Problem solved, or is it? Because now the whole neighborhood not only hears the "Hallelujah chorus" blasting from our home at all hours, it is interjected with strange chicken squawks. And we actually wonder why our neighbors won't talk to us.....

Welcome to the U.S. Foolacracy!

Isn't it obvious that aliens have sucked out our brains?
Does anyone remember what happened six years ago--when people were packing their basements full of flour, bullets and gold nuggets? Sharpening their pitch forks--as all hell was about to break loose?? Remember those days when we were headed to so-called total "economic collapse"?
But here we are--November 2014, with am improved economy, lower unemployment and strong stock market. (Even Bin Laden is dead!) Yet, obviously disappointed that we didn't get to impale those hungry masses on our pitch forks after all !!!  Somebody needs to be impaled, right? We don't even know why or who that should be!!? But we were told we are angry--right?! Let's just go after the Democrats. Because they did --mmm, what? Oh I don't know. 
Just read the recent Washington Post article about what Obama did wrong. There is no clear crazy scandal, or blistering catastrophe. There is however, a mention at the end of the story about the economic recovery. How ignoring said recovery is a "head scratcher".  People no longer remember the economic problems of 6 years ago-- (but again, not their fault when pesky aliens have sucked out brains).
So this is what happens in a Foolacracy.  Mostly those 5% or 10% of undecided voters that throw an election. The sheeple that can be convinced (manipulated) by stuffing them full of crazy mailers and internet ads. Here in Alaska, the signs for proposition issues didn't even bother explaining anything at all. Just "Vote yes on 1", "No on 2". That's it--because they know that in a Foolacracy this sort of strategy actually works!!
Some may say the "middle class" didn't feel the recovery. Well guess what--maybe you never will!! As long as there is something called "THE WORLD", full of really poor people willing to do your job for much less money !  And you fool (that's right) secretly love these poor people--because now your house is filled with flat screen TV's and closets packed with $9.99 sun dresses from China or Bangladesh.
 How can we even take the term "democracy" seriously, when we know election results are based on swindling uninformed and undereducated voters??? The party that achieves this first- wins, end of story. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the stupidity of the American people. (not my quote friends, but wish it was :)

The Fun of a Palin Presidency!

I have never seen an episode of Keeping up with the Kerdashians (can I even spell that right???) Nor Honey Boo Boo or even Duck Dynasty.... But it is my understanding that these shows are wildly popular with the American public. So why not give the people what they really want!!!?? A reality TV presidency! Filled with hours of white trash hijinks, vengeful remarks and potty talk! And hateful politics! All in one compact package!! It almost happened folks... we were so very close in 2008!
Alas, it was not to be. Instead the Palins retreated back to their Wasilla compound and continued to make money doing all sorts of reality shows, speaking engagements and just making unpleasant comments on Facebook.
Now we are in luck once again, as the Palins have entered the media spotlight by partaking in a drunken brawl down in Anchorage! From what I read, a good time was had by all! 
My friends in the Lower 48 keep saying (about the Palins) "I just don't understand"--how did they get so far??"
Here's the thing about Alaska (especially in places like Wasilla). You have some of the friendliest and folksy people you can imagine out there. Folks filled with moxy and a penchant for self-reliance. The type of people that the rest of the country finds rather fascinating. And in those same polite backwoods an anomaly was once found--a family that is ALSO good looking and somewhat articulate -- voila! Palins!
But there is also a darker, lesser known side to Alaskans, and I'm not talking about the desire to shoot things and cover up the yard with a blue tarp!...But the crazy white trash vengefulness (accelerated with an affection for drink) that is so often a part of Alaska. It is what it is-- and what else are you going to do on those long winter nights, but drink yourself into a stupor and start shit?
And yes, we almost had that in the White House. Some may breathe a sigh of relief now, but others may just think.....damn that would have been some fun!!!

Myth of the Egg song

Here's a topic I am sure appeals to almost nobody at all: but I am totally into it!
What's with the long-held misconceptions and beliefs surrounding a hen's laying song?!

I am speaking about the sound (known to country chicken types) as the "egg song"--a crazy squawking noise made by a hen caught up in the moment of her own egg laying.
When I first heard my own chickens producing said "song" I thought--well that's the sound of childbirth !!....But it's more rhythmic than that... akin to a poultry call of the wild (sounds like: squawk, squawk, squawk, squuuaaakkk!) The song is repeated quite a few times and freakishly loud--especially for a quiet neighborhood, that may or may not allow the harboring of poultry ;)
My trusty online chicken forums often discuss the "egg song" --usually in the context of someone's chicken getting ready to lay an egg...But my problem with this is--that the purpose of the song seems lost on folks. If you attempt to google "why the egg song" the most common answer is: "the chicken is proud of her egg, thus announces it". Now what kind of ass backwards Darwinism is that???
What animal "announces" their precious little baby-to-be to the predators of the world--especially an animal who's only means of defense seems to be "panic and run"..???

So I continued to cruise the internet for more info. I gathered the history of the chicken  begins in the jungle (which makes sense--their noises are tropical sounding!) My own theory was that the "jungle chickens" try to locate their mate with said song (the chicken doesn't really know if her egg is fertilized or not, and may need his assistance as she begins her long brooding process). And sure enough, anecdotal stories point exactly to that--if you have a rooster at home, he will respond to the egg song! I even read accounts of the rooster arriving with cabbage in his beak to feed the laying hen after the "song" !! Now, if only this more reasonable reason for the egg song would  become public knowledge!!!...I wouldn't need to hear about the "silly proud chickens" anymore!!

Random List of Peeves

Maybe this is the weirdest little list of pet peeves ever. But probably not.

1- Yellow leaves. Not by you--but by me (here in Alaska). It's only August 28th and the freakin leaves are starting to change! Oh why???? Everyone else is still basking in summertime, but I have to watch the damn falling leaves...

2- Gangster pants. I don't know what it's called, but that weird thing young men do with their pants to make them look like they are falling off. Like tie their belts around their ass and hold them all awkwardly to show off their underwear. I used to think women were silly for wearing thongs to impress others, but this beats the thong for "most uncomfortable look". Why don't they just wear a metal corset or something if they want to be unable to walk?
3- Finger nails. Maybe I have too much keratin, but I just don't like them growing so fast.

The Surgeon General is a Maniac

In my household we have a word : "BIG SKIN"--our term for sneaky corporate dermatology and sunscreen tycoons. Now the surgeon general (who is a suspicious dermatologist) has gotten up on the  'sun will kill you' soap box...This is of course the same sun, that has sustained ALL LIFE ON EARTH for billions of years--yet now is apparently out to kill you.
So they say melanoma has increased three fold since the 1970's --well,  wait a minute--isn't this about the same time we STOPPED covering ourselves in greasy Coppertone oils?? And replaced the oily sheen with sunblock ?
And you tell me--are we spending more time outdoors, or less???
But nobody (most of all "big skin") wants to add a bit of accuracy to the dialogue. Namely why would increased sunblock use lead to skin cancer?
Well, the answer is pretty simple--melanin (a tan!?) protects you from the harmful UV rays of the sun. Slow sun exposure prepares your body for UV, versus keeping yourself pale as a lab rat until you accidentally get stuck outside and burn like a piece of bacon. This is why skin cancer rates are actually higher in rainy Oregon , than in sunny Texas--because daily low level sun exposure is the best protection!! Secondly, studies show that sunblock wearers spend more time in the sun than they should. (because nature has this awesome way of protecting you--maybe you feel red, or uncomfortable and know you better get under the shade--how novel!) But when you are covered in globs of nasty toxic sunblock, all you are doing is blocking vitamin D!! Yet ironically allowing some harmful radiation in..
But no pimple popper MD wants to explain these obvious facts to the public.
I just can't believe the surgeon general refuses to articulate the true nature of the problem, nor cares about the health costs associated with vitamin D deficiency. Any evolutionary biologist can tell you, that white folks (once black) lost their pigment as they migrated North so they could absorb MORE sun, not less. But obviously dermatologists are (well meaning perhaps) but misguided creationists.

Try Something New

As I was reading a CityData forum the other day, I came upon an irritated comment by a poster stating: "why does everyone pick on box stores and chain restaurants? I happen to like box stores and will happily live in a community with lots of them."
This statement shocked me.

I looked away from the screen, as this required serious contemplation.
Shopping at Sam's club or Walmart because of financial need is completely understandable--but to actually "like" them??? I thought that the only sane reason people went to Applebees, Lowes, or PetCo, was because IT WAS THERE.

And so I came to realize, that many towns look exactly like "everywhere else in America", because certain people actually want it that way!!! And is it merrily a coincidence that these same areas happen to have more conservative residents??


Yet (no surprise here): independent book stores, sea-weed cupcake shops and Cambodian craft brew cafe's are fairly good indicators of a progressive community....
Some people can be classified as either "avoiders" or "seekers". Avoiders can't stand change, cling to familiarity, repetition and routine. Perhaps the kind of people who would appreciate the safety and familiarity of a box store or chain restaurant? 
Avoiding new experiences might seem safe and all, BUT lucky for our human history--some had the gall to seek out novelty and actually leave the cave....!

Chasing Chickens

Thanks to all you folks in the Lower 48, (who so graciously have accepted the bad weather usually headed for Alaska) we Northerners have been engulfed in a beautiful (yet dusty) streak of blue skies, sunshine and 70 degrees for almost two weeks now...!
Gloating aside, the sun has played a productive part in acclimating my chickens to the great outdoors.  They did start to stink a bit inside the house, so I was glad to start relocating them to the backyard. The ridiculous part of this whole process is the disruption caused by our 2 crazy dogs--who really, really want to eat said chickens....
The dogs bark like maniacs, dig under the fence, leap into the air--whatever they can do--just to get to those darn chickens! The only solution (thus far)-- has been hiding the chickens in our laundry room, while the dogs are exercising in the yard.
This results in a daily creature shuffle--where each morning we box up the chickens, hide them, put the dogs out, bring the dogs back in, take the chickens out and put them in their chicken play pen for the day.
That being said, the process does not always go smoothly. The dogs are easily controlled with dog biscuits, but not so the poultry. I'm not sure most people recognize how well chickens can fly and how fast those thin, freaky legs can run!
No matter what I tell the chickens, their reaction is always the same --panic!
So each time I try to place them in their 'transport box", the first one jumps out and goes running, while I attempt to put the second one in. So most mornings I get a good dose of cardio exercise by chasing a really fast, little chicken through the yard...Lucky for me, she usually turns around at some point and calls to chicken #2, as they truly only feel safe when they are together. When chicken #2 returns chirps, chicken #1 runs back to her and I finally have both in the box. I put them in their pen, feed them and retreat until evening, when the whole chicken chasing escapade will repeat itself.
I can certainly say, that this is not an efficient manner of poultry management. It is however, a great way to get in some human exercise...

The Right Wing's Wildlife is Called Cheeseburger

I have been following the story of the crazed Nevada rancher, who along with a gang of armed militia buddies, pulled off a good-ole-fashioned standoff against the Federal Bureau of Land Management....
Apparently, it all began with this rancher feeling he had a so-called "right" to graze cattle for free on leased federal land. He felt the sage brush out there in Nevada wasn't worth much anyway, so why not squat your cattle there?? Wherein the second predicament appeared, as someone actually thought the land was worth more than cattle manure. The BLM wasn't only annoyed that this rancher wasn't paying his grazing fees, the area was also declared important habitat for the desert tortoise.
Now that's the kind of "important" i.e. endangered species act, that makes conservatives shit kittens. Over and over, I have heard politicians say (I live in red state Alaska after all) how there "should be no EPA, no Endangered species act," blah, blah, blah" it's all "government overreach".
Somehow, in their bizzaro bubble, the global population is not ballooning. Their brilliant plan is to pretend that "it's all the same as it was 200 years ago" and just graze over, plant over, build up and raze over every open space and wilderness area, all while assuming that the earth will magically EXPAND to produce more natural resources later on.
So either they believe that the endangered animals trampled to death, over-fished, or squeezed out of habitat...will return to earth via some magic ark, or the conservatives idea of American wildlife is the hamburger. Let's just replace the bald eagle with the Big Mac and call it a day.

51 and Alaskan

I am totally not making fun of 51 year olds, nor do I have a list of funny Alaskans. What I care to vent about is the temperature 51 (Fahrenheit)--and what it does in Alaska...(!)
Truthfully-- it is a glorious thing, if it's 51 outside in April--it must be sunny and warm. BUT 'Alaska' warm that is. In Hawaii they call 51 "frigid".
Which brings me to the annoying part, because you see--I am currently thinking like the Islanders. 51 is nice enough and all, but with a breeze out--I didn't find it patio pleasant. So from the safety of my vehicle, I watched all those darn acclimated Northerners. (which hasn't happened to me after all these years--instead, I have developed some sort of snow allergy--which is real--you can google it.)
How many people did I see outside today in flippin shorts?? There were all those kids getting off the school bus, and joggers, and at least three ladies walking their dogs. Not to mention all the people in flip-flops. Flip flops and shorts, at the grocery store--and it is 51 out. That's why when it reaches 70 degrees here, people fall over in a tizzy, buy out the ice cream and dive into the river.

Fake Problems Fix the Economy

The United States economy is a drama queen.  Digging up problems where none should exist, and creating craziness for an economic fix.
I'm sure most folks won't agree with me.. so I'll throw out some (exasperating!) examples.
Obviously "lifestyle illness" is a biggie. The pimple popper MD's and sunscreen peddlers have really done a number on making sure folks are lacking in their Vitamin D. Thousands of years of common sense and evolutionary reduced pigmentation, just thrown to the wind. I mean why are white people white? (duh)!! Because we would die in Northern latitudes if we couldn't absorb more sun!!  But wait--that's free! Can't have that in this economy....(and yes Alaskan natives are darker--but they got their D and Omega 3 from salmon, salmon, salmon... which they currently don't get enough of....another rant of mine altogether)..
 Second free thing that was discouraged for 30 years--breast milk. Now we need to spend ooodles of money to "teach" women not to use expensive formula and go back to the free stuff..good grief.
Stress.  We spend tons of time telling ourselves we "have to fight that traffic", have to get to our stressful job, blah, blah. Because it makes us feel needed and important. Better than the neighbors, sometimes richer.. (and the economy loves this one, even poking at the women to "get out there and work your butt off" --Break that glass ceiling--it's good for economic growth, after all!!  Yet, all this rushing around does nothing but create westernized illness due to stress hormones. But could we ever follow the lead of some nations--reduce the work week, take August off, live in a smallish apartment?? I don't think so, we choose heart failure...

Sugar. Now sugar is a wonderful way to get a quick caloric fix, and quite palatable. But oh my goodness--pay attention to how people use it. Drinking sweetened coffees and cokes all day long to stay awake at their "stressful jobs", topped off with a muffin or bagel. Followed by the sugar crashes, and confused folks being like "why am I so tired?"  Too tired to take the flipping stairs or exercise. Then they are up all night with insomnia and run to the doctor for prescription this and prescription that. Do doctors ever give "free tips" anymore (like put down your soda dorko, and take a hike?) No, that would be free. Much better to just prescribe an expensive med. The diabetes industry keeps lots of people employed for crying out loud!!! Good for them~! I mean healthy and fit people would just devastate the health care sector. What would our economy do without Paula Dean? Bless her, what a great American..     

Cruel Eggs

Call me naive, but apparently I am the last to know about the nasty egg industry.
It all started innocently enough--with my impulsive urge to take home a few fluffy baby chicks the other day. As they were being packed into their little chicken box, I nonchalantly asked the feed store lady if they were boys or girls. "All girls", she replied.
Curious, but I didn't give it much further thought.
That is, until I started leafing through my assortment of raising hippie chicken books;- where I read I wouldn't know the genders of my chicks until they reached three or four weeks of age...so what gives?
Enter the Google search -- and a whole new meaning of "sexting chicks".  Apparently any modern chicken farm, (especially the big commercial ones) sexes their chicks. (All without the help of an iphone, ha)--but done by some poor clod that squeezes their "vent" (ahem).
But then comes the cruel part--the cute fuzzy boy chicks are immediately destroyed (and I will spare the gruesome, gruesome details)-- as they are not considered as economically "viable" as the chick chicks! They aren't even raised for meat, because meat birds are top heavy mutants with large chests!....yuck.
So I just swore off eggs. Even organic, cage free eggs--they all "sex chicks". And unfortunately I will be waiting twenty weeks for my little fluff balls to start laying their own....

Suffering From Sun Guilt

I assume most folks think that "sun guilt" is something experienced by those who forget to apply vast amounts of sunscreen. But no..
The "sun guilt" I am referring to is something uniquely Alaskan. Caused not by sun exposure, but the idea that you are not running towards it when available to you.
Let me explain. Some may naively assume cloudy Seattle or rainy Portland are the dreariest cities in the USA, blissfully unaware of the dark horrors witnessed by most Alaskans.  When glancing at silly charts describing "sun indexes of US towns" --one can see that they don't even bother to mention Anchorage or Juneau in their little graphs...(I assume it is simply too depressing). Thus, Seattle (wrongly) always wins the title of "gloomiest city" or whatever.
Now that you know that Alaska is the unofficial winner of the 'least sunniest climate contest', I can better explain the phenomena of "sun guilt".
This is a strange affliction experienced by Alaskans on a bright and sunny day.  It starts with all the announcements on the radio: "get out of work early!" or "did you look outside today?" Followed by friends calling or coworkers commenting--"this is the best day ever!"  All this hoopla because it is sunny and bearable outside. Now, some people actually do jump into their cars and leave work early (I am not kidding) and grab their hiking boots, kayaks, bikes or what have you. But then some of us--for whatever reason, may just not be in the mood to get out there. And that's when the "guilt" hits. 
You keep thinking to yourself-- "why the heck am I indoors today?" or "at least I need to get out and BBQ".  It is ruthless, as this guilt continues eating away at you. Until, at the very least, you shuffle over to the window and sit there like a lazy cat, basking in the warmth. All this anguish caused by the infrequent sun...

HGTV Secretly Stands for Hysteria TV

For the past ten years I have had very limited access to TV. Yet, these past few months I have had a rude awakening as to what is actually out there....As I put on my life vest and began swimming through the digital offerings---dodging drunken housewives, preachy red-necks and repetitive Alaska shows-- HGTV managed to catch my eye.
At first, it can suck you in because you never know--are they in Australia? Hawaii? Cleveland or Canada?? But then a disturbing pattern became evident to my family. Hysteria is back.
Now Hysteria is an archaic mental health diagnosis, once readily assigned to emotional and irrational women. In modern times, it has finally been rejected by the medical community. That is up until now.
I truly fear that if the authors of of the new DSM (diagnostic manual) watch about 24 hours worth of HGTV, the diagnosis of women's hysteria will be highlighted in the new edition.
What we as a family have observed is--- the way westernized women behave around kitchens. It doesn't matter if it is a remodeling show, or a house hunting show. They keep acting like crazy people in the kitchens. Some sort of bizarre insecurity takes hold, as they insist and insist on stainless steel appliances. We watched in horror as one woman made orgasmic noises in front of a "high end refrigerator". If someone happens upon an "outdated kitchen" the women act like they have stumbled upon a murder scene, and flee disgusted. Some insist on ambitious plans to rip the poor kitchens to shreds. And then when a kitchen is "modernized", swoon and sing as they rub the granite counter tops--satiating primal longings to be back in the stone age.
So in the years I missed watching TV, what I really missed was the great conspiracy to drive women crazy. What happened to the days when humans were glad just to have kitchens? (like the rest of the non-westernized world for crying out loud!)

Where Do the Journalists Think They Are?

First of all, I do love the funny comments, pics and twitter feeds about the problems with unfinished hotel rooms at the Sochi Olympics. Just a bit of Western fun time--poking at Putin for not "getting" what Americans really want. Like privacy in toilets stalls vs. killing dogs.
The thing that is odd to me though, is the bewilderment of the journalists. Is it real? Did they really believe the hype? Or do they know very little about mother Russia? 
The hilarious "no standing on toilets" "nor fishing", etc. signs are actually standard form for public toilets in Eastern Europe and Russia. Seems that folks can't get over the fact that they can actually sit on them now!! (I saw this first hand). Mostly because the toilets of the past HAD NO SEATS. So this takes some getting used to.
And the big line of public toilets with zero privacy stalls, is considered too normal to change. Used a restroom like this at a sports complex once (note: you need to be drunk and stare straight forward while utilizing it).
And lastly, the disappointment about not being allowed to flush toilet paper or drink the water. But isn't that so very South American?! Even the Hilton (Venezuela), had the gross little dirty paper bin and bottled water....Not to mention, a few weeks back, my very own Alaskan plumber (after snaking our sewer line) remarked--"you really should stop putting toilet paper in there!" 

You are Welcome!

Greetings for Alaska! 
I just wanted to thank all you Lower 48 folks down there, who are so thoroughly enjoying our precious gift to you:  The Polar Vortex.
It certainly took a bit of voodoo to send that jet stream back your way, but guess it worked. At the very least, maybe the southern folks will have a tad more empathy as to what we Alaskans endure for about six flipping months each and every winter!!!!!  On the other hand--maybe you already knew?? I mean we have a kicking economy-- good jobs just seem to fall from the sky around here. 
But yet nobody wants to move here for good opportunities!?! Is it because you already know about our lousy winters?? On the other hand, if the vortex sticks around, maybe Alaska will look downright balmy.
I am looking out my window at the lawn today (dead lawn) but still not snow! Are you??

Top Ten Things A Germaphobe Will NEVER Do

In the media's never ending quest to gain the average dullards attention, we are constantly bombarded by a steady stream of headlines, pertaining to some form of deviant behavior...Well let me tell you this-- us germaphobes aren't interested in new ways of smearing ourselves with other peoples fluids (hygiene theory be damned!) Instead, I bring to you, --in the name of those who worship the icon of hand sanitizer--a brief list of things you never need to worry about us doing:

1- Joining the Mile High Club. I don't know how public bathroom sex can ever be considered sexy. My own dogs refuse to step into excrement while raping one another, yet evolved humans are ok with sitting on diaper changing areas or squishing against obviously urinated on public toilets....?

2- Hosting a poultry cooking show. My fear of uncooked chicken (after two actual bouts of salmonella) is pretty ridiculous. Although I do allow the offending item into the house--the accompanying protocol on food handling safety is much too tedious for television. 

3- Using a public telephone. Yes, I know these are gone with the dinosaurs. But thank goodness. The last time I held a public phone to my ear, I actually got ear zits!

4- Enjoying a communal hot tub.  I'm not totally against this, because a properly sanitized hot tub can be ok. But, a true germaphobe can never really enjoy the experience, as they are constantly worrying about the next person that might get in. Like, what is lurking under their swimsuit? Are they using the jets for self stimulation?? And why are they bringing their diaper baby into the tub?? (have seen this happen!)

5- Attending an Orgy. It seems the newest thing in movies is orgy this, orgy that. Instead of sexy, a germaphobe sees countless clouds of gonorrhea circulating throughout the masses. These orgy people are definitely the same ones who don't wash their hands after using the restroom.

6- No Pants Day on the subway. This certainly makes for an amusing headline, and I understand it brings some laughter to an otherwise boring mass transportation system. But will you ever see me, sitting with only cotton underpants on public transportation? No.

7- Kitchen chickens. Urban chickens might be all the rage. But no real germaphobe would allow any sort of pooping poultry to enter their home, nor track their fecal matter about. Fresh eggs be damned.

8- Entering Chuck E Cheese. I recently attempted this, in honor of a child's birthday party. Unfortunately, the departing gift included a bout of pink eye.

9- Consuming food right after using an ATM. All that public button pushing. Good grief.

10- Becoming a reality TV star. Sure, I guess there are some shows left that only involve dancing or troopers. Or maybe even dancing troopers. Yet so many reality TV shows have become booze fueled bed sheet share programs, that you will have to count the germaphobes out. They make for boring television.

What's the Deal With Wind Chill ?

Well I found out I am not the only Alaskan that finds the "horrible weather" updates from the, Lower 48 a tad bit annoying. Instead of sympathy--us Northerners feel more like "ugh, what's with the griping?"

That said-- I do feel badly for those who have power outages in subzero temps-- especially if you don't have a wood stove or generator. Sympathies to all of you!

However, the real Alaskan head-scratcher is this: why the heck is everyone in the Lower 48 obsessed with 'wind chill'? The silly ominous term, that serves no real purpose, except to invoke some sort of winter-time pity party!?!? Weather reports on Alaskan TV, never talk about pansy "wind chill", it's considered a completely foreign, fake and depressing concept. 

Not that we don't have wind, or chill for that matter. But harping on "wind chill" is equivalent to banging your head against the wall.  Why would you want to make people feel even more miserable in the cold and dreary winter by emphasizing-- "it's even colder that you think outside!!!" Here are some "fake chill" numbers to really get you grumpy this morning! There's no purpose whatsoever, except to make Joe Ohio feel like a tough guy, because he "braved that wind chill, you know"...

Perhaps some Lower 48 meteorologist will argue that the 'wind chill' numbers help people prepare for conditions outside-- sorry, not buying that. If you don't have the good sense to put on a coat and warm hat when it's cold outside, not sure scary imaginary numbers will help that.

For Crying Out Loud--Take Your Vitamins People!

Honestly, I really want to have a pity-party for my poor Alaskan self right now. Why can't I enjoy engaging in a "crisis emergency situation" each time it friggin snows outside or goes below zero degrees???? Why do us Alaskans have to "suck up" the windstorms, daily icy road conditions, and subzero temps?? I assume it's because we don't have the good sense to pack up and move to Philadelphia ?? What fun it would be to run around like a chicken with my head cut off every time it may snow 6 inches!
 But whatever, I will try a more enlightened path (insert cliche here)....and send some helpful goodwill towards my fellow human beings...here goes:
Basically,  "the powers that may be", continue to fund crappy and flawed vitamin studies!! Don't listen to them and save yourself!! Over and over these bizarre fu%$#* up studies appear. And I calm myself down, thinking--well those headlines will disappear... no worries... But then I get hit in the face again and again with the rehashed line: "according to recent research, vitamins are a waste of money"...
Oh my goodness!! Its' kind of like the baby formula companies that tried to shame ladies out of breastfeeding years ago! 
I was somewhat relieved to see that Oregon State researchers recently pointed out this craziness. That giving mini-vitamin doses to the Mitt Romney crowd (healthy and well heeled) results only in predicted non-results (duh!)... The malnourished are never represented, nor are standardized, proper doses (i.e. larger) even attempted (what are they afraid of ????) success I assume !!?? I have seen this very same blasphemy against Vitamin C and D. And now they are going after the multivitamins.  Is there some sort of weird need for rickets to return? Are people even paying attention to the food -- raised in depleted soil with less nutrients than ever before?? Folks-- let the Whole Foods crowd flush their multis down the toilet, as they smugly suck down a grass-fed calf liver and salmon smoothie...but please remember --the rest of us may just need to take a vitamin after all!!