Something Died in the Garage

Something died in the garage
I don't know what it is
But it sure smells really bad
Like sewer garbage fizz

Some creature in the wall
It's probably a mouse
Better in the garage
Than stuck inside my house

Bless the stinky critter
It's not an easy life
Looking for some warmth
But ended up in strife

Freezin for no Reason

I guess it is just plain silly to complain that I am cold. That's what one gets when they live in Alaska.
So it was -6 this morning. Finally the school sent home the yearly "make sure your kids have gloves and jackets at school" reminder. It is the most ridiculous thing ever. In the Lower 48, even lousy parents, wrap their kids up in coats and scarves. Children are warned that if they so much as open a button, all hell will break loose. Not only will there be a giant social services intervention, everyone will die of pneumonia and then the bird flu.
Of course in Alaska --The coats, hats and gloves are missing once again. (But in the parents defense, I know the items are actually scattered about the playground somewhere). And the snow pants are all in the giant lost and found box. The note home did mention that--there is an issue with all the snow pants being black. So nobody even knows who they belong to.. 
Either way, I need to go up and check my frozen washing machine again. As our laundry room is (brilliantly) in the garage, I am learning the fine art of defrosting before washing...

Ode to James the Turkey

So I was sitting in my car at the school's parking lot the other day. Counting how many kids were wearing only hoodies, and no coats. After all --it was a balmy 12 degrees outside--time to ditch the gloves and parkas.
On the other side of the lot, I saw my friend loading a dog crate into the back of her hatchback. That's nice I thought, her husky must have been the class mascot for the day . (oh--this school has three official classroom dogs--allergic kids aren't really accepted).
Anyway, she loads up the crate and pulls up to my car-(I'm not getting out of the car, it's twelve degrees after all).
She rolls down the window and asks me:"don't you want to see what I have in the crate?"
"hmm?" "seen your dog already." I reply.
"No, no" she says  "It's a turkey named James, he spent half the day at school--the kids can pet him, he's just the sweetest thing"....  
So I ask suspiciously--"why exactly do you have a pet turkey?"
"Well" she replies in a giddy tone, "he's our organic Thanksgiving meal!"
Oh good grief. Poor James. He doesn't know what his future holds, but I hope he had a fabulous time at school.... 

The Internet Keeps Insulting Me

I don't know what goofy geek comes up with the formula for the internet ads generated specifically for me, but I want to have a word with him or her.
I am getting pretty fed up with constant yahoo ads for cosmetic skin creams and senior citizen dating sites. (what have I been searching???? pimples and Depends??) Why not flatter me instead?? Where are the ads for exotic chocolates or wine??
Google treats me no better-- every time I open a news story, they make sure I have to scroll through multiple links about getting out of my debt, loosing belly fat, going back to school for a high school diploma or "looking 27" again. Why are these ads for me?? I thought they could figure this stuff out??
Deleting my spam folder is another tedious chore, as I scroll and delete through: winning walmart coupons, erectile dysfunction creams, penis pumps and again with the debt!

Maybe they are just generalizing to the average American (or to an Alaskan??) I don't know. If so it's very sad. You mean to tell me everyone online is a high school drop out with debt, belly fat, seeking insurance loop holes and looking to date Christian singles??

How Do The Single Moms Manage?

Lucky for me, I am not a single mom. Now and then I play single, when my significant other travels for work and what have you. Yet, usually those periods have turned out ok, with a few minor bumps-- mostly exhaustion due to my role as full time entertainment director.

However, I had a glimpse into "single motherhood hell" the other day, courtesy of the stomach flu. I had chills, nausea and a crazy fever---probably caused by some sort of bacterial boxing match, due to my overzealous yogurt consumption. (my attempt at self-healing) Nevertheless, I really, really just wanted to lie on the couch. Oh, did I ever. But I had to come up with some sort of dinner to feed those that can not feed themselves (and were not violently ill like mom). Delivery is not an option in a semi-rural part of Alaska--thus as the only adult in the house, meal prep is my job. Unwillingly, I had to somehow manage to peel myself off the couch, wobble up the stairs, and find my saving grace--the macaroni and cheese!
Yes, this I could accomplish, with only minor nausea. Yet, I really could not. Right at the final cooking step, in my feverish dementia, I added Newman's lemonade instead of milk! Oh good grief! I stirred it up really well, and prayed for mercy. Hoping the lemon zest would go unnoticed, I served it anyway. Oh thank goodness for small blessings--the bizarre substitution went unnoticed and I could resume moaning in the fetal position upon the couch.
I just can't imagine what a single mom goes through each and every time they are ill.

How About Zero Shades of Grey??

I am very upset today. Last night, I read a brief article about the book--(that obviously everyone has read but me) Fifty Shades of Grey. It was just a brief article in the Atlantic, something about humans escaping numbness.....but it wasn't this article that bothered me --as the glimpse it gave into the newly popular erotica.
The author gave some examples of the "new sex" I am supposed to be all hot about. I mean nipple clamps?? Try breastfeeding a baby with teeth!
Or what is with the orgasmic spanking? Is this really what women want?? We have spent so many hundreds of years getting men to STOP hitting and abusing women. And now some crazy lady writes a book that women want this?? But the truly bothersome thing isn't the weird author--but the well known fact that millions of real women are reading this book and liking it. 
So that leaves me really confused. Am I weird? (I am no prude, took human sexuality classes in Graduate school). And I would quite honestly slap any man who tried to spank me, then get up and leave him for good. So what is with these women? Are they freaking crazy? (my husband claims they are dumb, and just trying to conform).

I always assumed, that people who want to be abused for pleasure, have psychological problems (i.e. self hatred). Like teen girls who cut themselves.  As I did spend time studying human sexual behavior in school, I can safely say there are many parallels between animal sex and our own human kind. Many behaviors could be considered biologically "normal"--including homosexuality and rape. But wanting to feel pain??  Not normal. (being dominated makes sense, but not the pain).  Even a guinea pig or rabbit WILL BITE a partner that tries to mount her when she is not in heat (and thus uncomfortable) during intercourse. For crying out loud, brainless worms know better than to seek out pain. I still remember our 7th grade science lab, where we poked poor worms to elicit their "pain response" and we would write down in our little notebooks--"that the worm had the common sense to recoil from the painful prodding."  But I guess today's modern women do not.

A Note to the Undecided Voters

Now about those "mysterious" undecided voters. I am pretty sure I know where they lurk, and I think I even know a few of them personally!!
Don't want to stereotype anyone, so I won't mention which sex they are. BUT I have heard their bizarre pre-election comments, like: " I recorded the presidential debates" or "I liked that candidates speech, now I'll vote for them".
The Horrors!!
Especially to me, a never undecided voter, it all seems like crazy speak.
I know how these "undecided" folks think about other issues--like their kids schools or the household budget--they will analyze that to death. So I don't think they are stupid. Just completely ignorant to the political process.

So my thoughts to the "undecided" folks are: imagine that politics is like High School. And you want to vote for homecoming queen. You know the girls that are in the running. One is a total bitch, the other a lesser bitch. Would you vote for the bigger bitch just because she had a nicer poster?? Or gave a good speech or debate? No, as you would know she is being totally phony!

That's politics in a nut shell. Ignore the posters and the advertisements. Ignore everything the politicians say. Read real articles about what the candidates have actually done, from (imagine this!) sources like real newspapers! (not phony weird little newspapers or people who make their living saying mean or paranoid things). There are even fact check websites available--but this is dangerous territory, because if you don't have all day to recheck the legitimacy of the fact checkers, you still may wind up misled. In effect, just remember that every politician is the phony bitch in high school, and it should make the whole process much easier. Better yet, if you are still undecided--maybe stay home.