I am no silly goose, I know Alaska is cold, and I need to endure it as long as I live here. But here's the weird thing: the freezing cold is not nearly as annoying as the cold's lesser known cousin: low humidity...
This phenomena only kicks in when the outdoor temps hit about 5 degrees or colder (which is like half the winter) but nevertheless--it happens quickly.
Automatically your skin just shrivels and static balls spit out of every cloth you can imagine. Your hair will stand on end, agonizing thirst prevails, yet it all pales in comparison to the ubiquitous dog hair!!!
As every Alaskan knows, you will simply be deported from the state if your household does not include at least one hairy dog. Dry, static covered dogs are simply the worst. It makes them shed even more, except now in the dry air the hair sticks to everything like glue.
You just can't purchase enough sticky lint rollers to keep up with it. I know there is some sort of dog shedding vacuum you can purchase (to vacuum the dog!) but this would result in my arm being chewed off . Brushing does not work, as the human doing the brushing is so dry, that the hair just leaves the dog, and sticks to the human....
Nevertheless, if it gets below 0, I get not one-- but two humidifiers going. This helps a little bit, but doesn't fool anyone. You know my angora-looking socks are really just covered in fancy canine fur!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Are You Ready For Alaska?
Many people know that Alaska is one of the few states that actually has no economic woes, a strong housing market and jobs to be had. But...if anybody is considering relocating here in order to reap the benefits--do they really know what they are in for?? Here's a list of items you need to know that won't be mentioned in the guide books.
Do you like to dress up?
Sorry folks, it just won't be tolerated in Alaska. When I tried to wear nicer boots or slacks to work--people loved to say: "oh look at you in your fancy pants.." (insert sarcastic tone.)
Idling you car.
I know in the lower 48, it is frowned upon to idle your car-- but it is a state-wide addiction in Alaska. If the temperature drops below 40 degrees--expect to see cars idling everywhere. People pre-heat their cars with remote starts, sit in idling cars in parking lots, leave cars idling as they go shopping, or the plumber won't ever shut off his truck in your driveway (but will take off his shoes before entering your home--as does everyone here).
Obscene bumper stickers.
kids will quickly learn their share of foul words simply from reading bumper stickers. I think it's part of the Alaska "freedom" or just redneck thing (?) Don't be surprised to see "I love crack whores", "I had sex with your honor student", "I'm speeding because I have to take a crap", "piss on liberals", and simply "fuck you" used as bumper stickers or large window appliques ....
Cars in Ditches.
On your way to work, especially in the Anchorage area, you will always pass multiple upside down vehicles, or crashed and snowbound cars every time the roads get icy. People really aren't that interested in careful winter driving, as the thrill of having your buddy pull you out with a rope tied to a truck is more fun. The most interesting thing is, that nobody bats an eye if you leave your upside down vehicle in a snow bank for days on end--as they know you are just out looking for good tow-ropes....(paying money for a tow truck falls under the category of: "well look at you and your fancy tow truck"..)
Dogs
If you can't tolerate dogs, don't bother moving to Alaska. I honestly don't know anyone here who does not own at least two dogs (I think it's a state wide mandate). Even if you think you can escape them by living in Anchorage--remember that during the Iditarod dog sled race, they will bring approximately 72 dog teams into town (that's about 1,000 dogs folks). Any time you go to the grocery store, dogs sit in cars and wait for their owners--barking at you as you walk through the lot. And in more remote areas, expect to see loose dogs everywhere--they will knock over your children, eat your lunch, sniff you on hikes and be inside bars, restaurants and banks.
So are these issues you can live with? Frankly, I find sitting in an idling car surrounded by loose dogs fun, but that's just me.
Do you like to dress up?
Sorry folks, it just won't be tolerated in Alaska. When I tried to wear nicer boots or slacks to work--people loved to say: "oh look at you in your fancy pants.." (insert sarcastic tone.)
Idling you car.
I know in the lower 48, it is frowned upon to idle your car-- but it is a state-wide addiction in Alaska. If the temperature drops below 40 degrees--expect to see cars idling everywhere. People pre-heat their cars with remote starts, sit in idling cars in parking lots, leave cars idling as they go shopping, or the plumber won't ever shut off his truck in your driveway (but will take off his shoes before entering your home--as does everyone here).
Obscene bumper stickers.
kids will quickly learn their share of foul words simply from reading bumper stickers. I think it's part of the Alaska "freedom" or just redneck thing (?) Don't be surprised to see "I love crack whores", "I had sex with your honor student", "I'm speeding because I have to take a crap", "piss on liberals", and simply "fuck you" used as bumper stickers or large window appliques ....
Cars in Ditches.
On your way to work, especially in the Anchorage area, you will always pass multiple upside down vehicles, or crashed and snowbound cars every time the roads get icy. People really aren't that interested in careful winter driving, as the thrill of having your buddy pull you out with a rope tied to a truck is more fun. The most interesting thing is, that nobody bats an eye if you leave your upside down vehicle in a snow bank for days on end--as they know you are just out looking for good tow-ropes....(paying money for a tow truck falls under the category of: "well look at you and your fancy tow truck"..)
Dogs
If you can't tolerate dogs, don't bother moving to Alaska. I honestly don't know anyone here who does not own at least two dogs (I think it's a state wide mandate). Even if you think you can escape them by living in Anchorage--remember that during the Iditarod dog sled race, they will bring approximately 72 dog teams into town (that's about 1,000 dogs folks). Any time you go to the grocery store, dogs sit in cars and wait for their owners--barking at you as you walk through the lot. And in more remote areas, expect to see loose dogs everywhere--they will knock over your children, eat your lunch, sniff you on hikes and be inside bars, restaurants and banks.
So are these issues you can live with? Frankly, I find sitting in an idling car surrounded by loose dogs fun, but that's just me.
Monday, December 5, 2011
You Can Cancel That Cell Phone Plan and Much More!
Are you spending too much time utilizing wireless technology? Watching too many movies, satellite TV? Video games?
Well do I have a proposition for you!
You can purchase our semi-rural Alaskan property and throw away all those techno gadgets, Netflix subscriptions, pay per view movies and other assorted technological time wasters....How does this work you may ask?
Well it's easy with our simple two step plan> Step 1--There are no cable lines or satellite reception here anyway, so that easily eliminates various digital entertainment options.
Step 2--In case you are inclined to rent videos or watch NBC (one of our three TV stations) purchasing this property will ensure that those too become unavailable to you, as you will never have a spare moment to sit in front of the boob tube again.
How's that? you may wonder. Well in the wintertime, there are hours and hours of fun to be had cleaning the freakishly long circular drive--don't worry, it's way too cold for plows, ATV's or lawn tractors to start up (no wimpy garage here, folks!) and do the job, so you'll have plenty of options to use good old fashioned sweat energy and shovels. (the shovels will break too-- added fun!) In the meantime, if the temperature happens to climb above "freeze your nose right off"--that means the ice dams are forming on the roof.
Simply take one of your six cracked shovels, climb the scary ladder, and start shoveling up high on the roof, preferably at a weird angle! The best part is--the ice will form crazy thick pools that you will need to remove utilizing some sort of heavy metal device, damaging the shingles as you work! Yippee. (keep extra shingles and a bucket of tar handy)
And it doesn't end, because as soon as the roof is clean, never fear--it will start snowing again and you can do it all over again!
Well do I have a proposition for you!
You can purchase our semi-rural Alaskan property and throw away all those techno gadgets, Netflix subscriptions, pay per view movies and other assorted technological time wasters....How does this work you may ask?
Well it's easy with our simple two step plan> Step 1--There are no cable lines or satellite reception here anyway, so that easily eliminates various digital entertainment options.
Step 2--In case you are inclined to rent videos or watch NBC (one of our three TV stations) purchasing this property will ensure that those too become unavailable to you, as you will never have a spare moment to sit in front of the boob tube again.
How's that? you may wonder. Well in the wintertime, there are hours and hours of fun to be had cleaning the freakishly long circular drive--don't worry, it's way too cold for plows, ATV's or lawn tractors to start up (no wimpy garage here, folks!) and do the job, so you'll have plenty of options to use good old fashioned sweat energy and shovels. (the shovels will break too-- added fun!) In the meantime, if the temperature happens to climb above "freeze your nose right off"--that means the ice dams are forming on the roof.
Simply take one of your six cracked shovels, climb the scary ladder, and start shoveling up high on the roof, preferably at a weird angle! The best part is--the ice will form crazy thick pools that you will need to remove utilizing some sort of heavy metal device, damaging the shingles as you work! Yippee. (keep extra shingles and a bucket of tar handy)
And it doesn't end, because as soon as the roof is clean, never fear--it will start snowing again and you can do it all over again!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Little Green Men and the Economy
So about every other day I feel like a space alien, wandering earth, puzzled and perplexed. Now and then I see there are others writing on the internet, with similar thoughts. However, I don't meet many of these fellow space aliens in person, thus questioning their actual existence....
Nevertheless, the space alien in me doesn't understand a growth economy. All these humans are running around like chickens with their heads cut off, trying to save a system that never made any sense to this space alien to begin with.
You have a system based on a need for economic growth, increasing GDP. Nations have no choice but to grow their economy and encourage the increasing world population to consume more. This is basically what makes the economic world go around. So you have all these Westerners that already have everything they need, but you need to encourage them to have more, go into debt. Nobody seems to recognize the absurdity of an average 1950's home growing from 983 square to 2,349 foot home in 2004. Or an average American woman now owning 19 pairs of shoes, while living in a household that owns 2.28 vehicles.....
The craziness is--if you needed to build homes twice as large, or buy two times more cars, 3 times more shoes--to keep the American GDP and economy strong--what will we be doing to provide economic growth in the distant future?? I cringe when 'they' speak of "new housing development" on the radio news as an indicator of a "healthy economy"--I mean are you going to build large new homes on the moon 50 years from now?? (Skyscrapers don't provide much "growth" as you don't need a car, lawn furniture or a gigantic inflatable Santa)
And what are you going to do about the billions in the Developing world--who would also love air conditioning?? (A huge factor in increased electrical consumption) And want their own cars and large homes too! I mean are we all going to be living on cruise ships? (the oceans have room--investment alert! ;)
Are women going to own 55 pairs of shoes? Throw out their working stainless steel refrigerators monthly, in order to buy another one?
Some may argue--there are plenty of resources to go around. But are there really? Then why are Asian countries buying up farm land in Africa to feed themselves? Where is the fresh water in Texas?
It's not like I want to live in a yurt, burning cow dung for fuel myself. I enjoy creature comforts and don't necessarily want to jinx it. I am just perplexed as to how it will play out in the future, makes no sense to me....I will be departing on my space ship now....
Nevertheless, the space alien in me doesn't understand a growth economy. All these humans are running around like chickens with their heads cut off, trying to save a system that never made any sense to this space alien to begin with.
You have a system based on a need for economic growth, increasing GDP. Nations have no choice but to grow their economy and encourage the increasing world population to consume more. This is basically what makes the economic world go around. So you have all these Westerners that already have everything they need, but you need to encourage them to have more, go into debt. Nobody seems to recognize the absurdity of an average 1950's home growing from 983 square to 2,349 foot home in 2004. Or an average American woman now owning 19 pairs of shoes, while living in a household that owns 2.28 vehicles.....
The craziness is--if you needed to build homes twice as large, or buy two times more cars, 3 times more shoes--to keep the American GDP and economy strong--what will we be doing to provide economic growth in the distant future?? I cringe when 'they' speak of "new housing development" on the radio news as an indicator of a "healthy economy"--I mean are you going to build large new homes on the moon 50 years from now?? (Skyscrapers don't provide much "growth" as you don't need a car, lawn furniture or a gigantic inflatable Santa)
And what are you going to do about the billions in the Developing world--who would also love air conditioning?? (A huge factor in increased electrical consumption) And want their own cars and large homes too! I mean are we all going to be living on cruise ships? (the oceans have room--investment alert! ;)
Are women going to own 55 pairs of shoes? Throw out their working stainless steel refrigerators monthly, in order to buy another one?
Some may argue--there are plenty of resources to go around. But are there really? Then why are Asian countries buying up farm land in Africa to feed themselves? Where is the fresh water in Texas?
It's not like I want to live in a yurt, burning cow dung for fuel myself. I enjoy creature comforts and don't necessarily want to jinx it. I am just perplexed as to how it will play out in the future, makes no sense to me....I will be departing on my space ship now....
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