Dirty Money Anyone??

The term money laundering usually pertains to corruption and fake bank accounts, never taking into the account the more necessary form of money laundering: the kind that involves Tide and a giant washing machine...
Am I really the only one who feels completely violated every time a cashier hands me a dark, wrinkled, soft, slightly torn dollar bill?? In my household we even have a name for these overused greenbacks: skank dollars. Nobody really wants to touch the skank dollar, as it has quite obviously been to more seedy destinations than I want to go.
Every crease and stain conjures images of red eyed folks rolling joints, snorting coke and sticking good old George Washington into strippers G-strings....Not to mention all the sneezing, coughing, nose blowing and masturbation I assume average folks participate in daily. (without washing their hands afterwards.)
But nobody bats an eye as they reach into their lint and booger filled pockets to pull out one more wrinkly dollar. Immediately passed on to me, without so much of a reprieve for the germs to die off. And I'm not even being that paranoid here---science has proven that paper money contains more viruses, bacteria, dirt and drugs than anyone could imagine.
So for now I use my debit card, but when I am handed an unsavory example of a scandalized bill, I may just wash it in a pool of alcohol before handing it on....

Welcome to the Freeze Lodge

I just saw a headline referring to the gruesome Sweat Lodge death incident from a few years back. This was a horrible event, but begs the question: why would normal upper income Americans sign up to be "tortured" in order to gain spiritual enlightenment? I can sort of see the point, as I subject myself to outhouses a few times a year--then return home and give thanks to the porcelain toilet! Don't take for granted the glory of this flushing wonder!!!
So if there really is a market for purposeful hardships then I welcome all to: IcyJanes' Freeze Lodge.
I promise low rates, for the experience of sitting in my personal yard (or woods) --your choice-- during the Alaskan winter. (Today's high temp is -4) Experience the wonder of your nostrils freezing shut. I will provide a non-insulated tent, campfire wood, grill, Hebrew National Franks and a knit hat. Please bring your own gloves and snow pants.
I also don't want to harm anyone--so if you are getting weirdly sleepy out there, you can quit...please pay before quitting.
Another option would be the "Alaska Skeeter Lodge!"
This is the summer version of my back yard. See how long you can endure the grueling bites of thousands of hungry mosquitoes...Again, there will be a non-insulated tent and frankfurters provided. The hardest part is peeing around all those mosquitoes, as ass skin seems to be slightly thinner --so they really like it. Nevertheless, you will go home enlightened and very appreciative of walls and netting.
Booking now for the 2011 and 2012 season, please inquire for further details.

Let Your Friends Know???

I guess this minor incident is considered ubiquitous by most, but for IcyJane in the cold Northern Woods, it was something new....
After completing a recent online purchase for Nutcracker tickets, a happy message popped on the screen. "Now that you made this purchase--let all your friends know! Share on Facebook or Tweet!"
Why? Oh Why should I?? Not that the Nutcracker is an everyday event, but why would I bother my "friends" with this information??
Does everyone these days have really lame friends? Who wants to know this information? If you are going to the Nutcracker--good for you, but I don't want to know. And please don't contact me about it.
I understand it is a marketing trick--"IcyJane is going to the Nutcracker--so should you." But if you are going, just because I am (and not by your own interest) then you are too unoriginal to be my friend, and I would unfriend you anyway. Obviously I do not understand social networking...

What the Dog Told Me

I have two dogs at home, one is a typical fuzzy and friendly canis familiaris, the other has been described as a "feral, mysterious bitch".

Now the feral bitch is not often liked. She obsesses over pack order, house rules and domination. As the Alpha bitch, she regularly engages in rape upon the more dopey male dog of the household. She would actually prefer it if he just died, and exhibits this often by trying to drink all of his water to the point of bursting. She regularly shows off her powers over the weaker dog-- by yanking his tail, blocking his way and being generally fearless.

Now I asked this Alpha bitch, if she knew all along that pack order increased the wolves genetic resilience. She just looked at me and said, "duh-- sympathy for the weak leads to the elimination of your species."

Yikes!! I did not want to know this. Good grief. Us human animals who often strive to be humane, are actually genetically wired to eliminate the weak. Thus our tendency to bully those that are different or vote the Tea Party line.
I can hear the conservative caucus howling in their dens.....