So here I was sorting through my snail mail this morning--and what do I find clearly addressed to me? A petition and solicitation from the NRA!! They want my signature and financial support !
How do I even get on this kind of mailing list?
The letter was completely dumbed down and full of crazy speak. All the signature "lets get the undereducated really paranoid" lines included. Such as: "global gun ban diplomats at the UN", and the "freedom hating media elite", my personal favorite: "radical billionaires" are all coming to take away your guns!!!
In my caffeine induced morning fury, I wanted to scribble all sorts of nonsense on their petition--"like the 2nd amendment is from 1791, do you want to bring back slavery too??"--and "the USA has the highest gun related death rate in the developed world!!" But then I realized that it would just go to some processing center & be opened by an underemployed stoner, so there's probably no point...
I just need to figure out a good bumper sticker or slogan to respond to the "Right to Keep and Bear Arms petition". How about--"yup, I like my arms (and legs too!)--now please put down those guns and stop shooting!!!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
What Nobody Else will Tell You!
Ever wonder what people are really thinking--behind the white lies and all that other polite junk??? Lets put on our decoder rings and enter some true human thoughts:
What childless people think of kids:
--"they are loud, annoying and sticky, please put them away and don't let them on planes".
What pet-haters think of your dog:
--"dogs are dumb, dangerous and lick their butt. Keep them in muzzles and away from me".
What people with kids (and/or dogs) think:
--"Isn't my kid (or pet) the cutest thing ever???"
What rich people really think of the poor, working or middle class:
--"they are lazy, unmotivated and dim-witted". (think Paul Ryan)
Ed. note here: The well off are usually painfully unaware of privileges they grew up with (family, better genetics, cars or college ed by parents). Blissful denial of their privileged upbringing, leads to a merry enjoyment of wealth without guilt!
What poorer people think of the rich:
--"Maybe it's luck, maybe who you know, but something sure smells fishy"--(this confused
suspicion is what leads to the phenomena known as "voting against ones best interest".)
What thin people think of fat:
--"they are lazy and weak willed." (like any addict, can't turn down a good doughnut)
What fat people think of the thin:
--"they have faster metabolisms and are angry all the time".
What working moms think of the stay-at-home moms:
--"They are a bunch of crazy, ill-informed boobs".
What stay-at-home moms think of working moms:
--"They are selfish twits, only thinking about themselves and possibly drinking too much..."
What men really think about women:
--"I don't care if she's a psycho bitch or dumb as rocks- as long as she's hot".
What women really think about men:
--"I'll handle old, bald and unfaithful --if it involves tons of money" (this one was proven to be crazy true: a university study showed that 75% of college girls would marry a billionaire even if he was a polygamist!)
What Canadians think about Americans:
--"They are a bunch of self-absorbed, undereducated cowboys".
What Americans think about Canada:
--"Canada who?"
What childless people think of kids:
--"they are loud, annoying and sticky, please put them away and don't let them on planes".
What pet-haters think of your dog:
--"dogs are dumb, dangerous and lick their butt. Keep them in muzzles and away from me".
What people with kids (and/or dogs) think:
--"Isn't my kid (or pet) the cutest thing ever???"
What rich people really think of the poor, working or middle class:
--"they are lazy, unmotivated and dim-witted". (think Paul Ryan)
Ed. note here: The well off are usually painfully unaware of privileges they grew up with (family, better genetics, cars or college ed by parents). Blissful denial of their privileged upbringing, leads to a merry enjoyment of wealth without guilt!
What poorer people think of the rich:
--"Maybe it's luck, maybe who you know, but something sure smells fishy"--(this confused
suspicion is what leads to the phenomena known as "voting against ones best interest".)
What thin people think of fat:
--"they are lazy and weak willed." (like any addict, can't turn down a good doughnut)
What fat people think of the thin:
--"they have faster metabolisms and are angry all the time".
What working moms think of the stay-at-home moms:
--"They are a bunch of crazy, ill-informed boobs".
What stay-at-home moms think of working moms:
--"They are selfish twits, only thinking about themselves and possibly drinking too much..."
What men really think about women:
--"I don't care if she's a psycho bitch or dumb as rocks- as long as she's hot".
What women really think about men:
--"I'll handle old, bald and unfaithful --if it involves tons of money" (this one was proven to be crazy true: a university study showed that 75% of college girls would marry a billionaire even if he was a polygamist!)
What Canadians think about Americans:
--"They are a bunch of self-absorbed, undereducated cowboys".
What Americans think about Canada:
--"Canada who?"
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Lose Weight, Fix the House and Cure Insomnia!!
Yes, I intend to sound like an infomercial. Because I need to let people know--how I accidentally discovered why us humans are sinking into a pit of obesity and insomnia. I (like everyone else) for the longest time simply thought--well stress less, eat less, exercise more. The kicker is this: I truly never realized what MORE exercise meant.
I have a husband to thank (and blame) for my new wisdom. This summer as we moved from our humble country home of 9 years to a woodsy, yet domestic dwelling-- dear husband had the "fantastic" idea to rent a Uhaul to move our belongings. Then he insisted nobody help us move. That's right--no movers, friends, or suckers (except for me!)
His reasons for this act of hedonism, are still unclear to me. Something about us being more careful or saving money !?...
Either way, as anyone else who has ever moved an American household knows--this is a silly task to try to undertake. But take we did. Even dumber was our decision not to sell the futons, beds, lawn mower, snow blower or big-ass cedar play set. These had to be moved. And how about our library of books? Why does a child have 8 large boxes filled with books?
The best part was, on the day we reserved the Uhaul--the larger sizes were already booked--so we needed to take a smaller truck , resulting in more agonizing trips! yay!
At first, I was ok. We moved bookshelves, boxes , desks up the Uhauls ramp with a dolly. Drove to the new house, unload and repeat. This was incredibly time consuming--and we had to make multiple trips. Add to that the crazy scheme to remove all the screws from the giant playground set and move that too. By that time I was so crazy tired--a big cedar beam hit me in the head and I didn't even notice.
Yet the fun did not end there. The new home we had purchased needed to be cleaned and stripped of its old carpeting. This meant we didn't even unload the furniture into its final resting place. Instead, got to work scrubbing and ripping out carpet pad & carpet, then put in the new floors, and only then moved the furniture from the garage. We spent days and days on this nonsense. Performing hard physical labor from sun up until falling into bed.
But the weird thing is--I kind of miss it. I have never before been that damn tired. The bed (which was a mattress on the basement floor) felt like a magical cloud. I believe in those days I fell asleep in about thirty seconds until the sun woke me again in the morning. At first my muscles sort of hurt, but then they got lean and stronger. The craziest part was the incredible hunger. We would run to fast food restaurants and I would scarf fried cheese sticks (all I craved were fried cheese sticks). My abs got firmer and firmer, but I kept eating and eating--it was incredible.
This whole experience has taught me one thing--our human bodies are made to perform an incredible amount of work. It's almost scary. Simple jogging, or some exercise bike just doesn't cut it. If you want to eat a bunch of carbs or fats--the labor you need to do is just incomprehensible to the average human today. And if you really want to sleep--again, just a walk around the block isn't going to do much. (but it's better than nothing). It's like our bodies are made to be heavy duty construction trucks--but all we ask of them is to drive to the mall.
At some point in history we needed that kind of truck. Running away from Woolly mammoths perhaps? Fighting each other with our raw hands over territory? But for this day and age these machines have simply become soft and squishy human beings...
I have a husband to thank (and blame) for my new wisdom. This summer as we moved from our humble country home of 9 years to a woodsy, yet domestic dwelling-- dear husband had the "fantastic" idea to rent a Uhaul to move our belongings. Then he insisted nobody help us move. That's right--no movers, friends, or suckers (except for me!)
His reasons for this act of hedonism, are still unclear to me. Something about us being more careful or saving money !?...
Either way, as anyone else who has ever moved an American household knows--this is a silly task to try to undertake. But take we did. Even dumber was our decision not to sell the futons, beds, lawn mower, snow blower or big-ass cedar play set. These had to be moved. And how about our library of books? Why does a child have 8 large boxes filled with books?
The best part was, on the day we reserved the Uhaul--the larger sizes were already booked--so we needed to take a smaller truck , resulting in more agonizing trips! yay!
At first, I was ok. We moved bookshelves, boxes , desks up the Uhauls ramp with a dolly. Drove to the new house, unload and repeat. This was incredibly time consuming--and we had to make multiple trips. Add to that the crazy scheme to remove all the screws from the giant playground set and move that too. By that time I was so crazy tired--a big cedar beam hit me in the head and I didn't even notice.
Yet the fun did not end there. The new home we had purchased needed to be cleaned and stripped of its old carpeting. This meant we didn't even unload the furniture into its final resting place. Instead, got to work scrubbing and ripping out carpet pad & carpet, then put in the new floors, and only then moved the furniture from the garage. We spent days and days on this nonsense. Performing hard physical labor from sun up until falling into bed.
But the weird thing is--I kind of miss it. I have never before been that damn tired. The bed (which was a mattress on the basement floor) felt like a magical cloud. I believe in those days I fell asleep in about thirty seconds until the sun woke me again in the morning. At first my muscles sort of hurt, but then they got lean and stronger. The craziest part was the incredible hunger. We would run to fast food restaurants and I would scarf fried cheese sticks (all I craved were fried cheese sticks). My abs got firmer and firmer, but I kept eating and eating--it was incredible.
This whole experience has taught me one thing--our human bodies are made to perform an incredible amount of work. It's almost scary. Simple jogging, or some exercise bike just doesn't cut it. If you want to eat a bunch of carbs or fats--the labor you need to do is just incomprehensible to the average human today. And if you really want to sleep--again, just a walk around the block isn't going to do much. (but it's better than nothing). It's like our bodies are made to be heavy duty construction trucks--but all we ask of them is to drive to the mall.
At some point in history we needed that kind of truck. Running away from Woolly mammoths perhaps? Fighting each other with our raw hands over territory? But for this day and age these machines have simply become soft and squishy human beings...
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Motivated by Mischief
We did the craziest thing this summer---we moved. Moved away from our country acres to a more densely populated area of Alaska. Lucky for us, we still found a property with plenty of woods around us. Fairly good privacy to boot. However, one part of our new land borders a snooty subdivision.
As elsewhere, the perfectly maintained, Mc Mansion subdivisions are tucked away all over Alaska-- with their ubiquitous covenants, beige siding and green lawns. That said, the McMansion closest to our home harbors good, clean cut folks who seem to make a point of never looking in our direction.
I assume it is because of our noisy pets, unmaintained grass and the gall to buy an older home that needs work. Nevertheless, I am ok with it. Don't know what we have in common anyway. The problem is my dog Little Bear.
Now Little Bear has a mysterious background. He just popped up one day at our old property and refused to leave the yard. A proficient thief, he would wonder off during the day, returning with all sorts of strange wares-- string cheese, bones and automotive goods.
We had no choice but to take all our crazy pets with us to the new home. I have tried my hardest to keep them indoors and quiet. But last night was different.
It was late, we had just returned from the State Fair and somehow while tying out Little Bear he slipped loose. Whenever Little Bear gets loose he simply runs. Runs as fast as he can as he tastes his beloved freedom. Worse of all is his love of the chase.
He will come right up to me as I am holding the leash, and then dart off if I try to grab him. Very slippery fellow, and I know of nobody who can catch him.
So off he runs yesterday, and simply to spite me--(as he knew I was softly calling to him in the driveway) he headed straight for the neighbors McMansion. There he teased their large assortment of well-behaved , domestic canines (it is Alaska after all, so everyone does own dogs). This set off the loudest neighborhood commotion and out fly the owners scolding goofy Little Bear. I call to him and he comes back just close enough to dart back into the woods.
I had no choice but to sit in the dark waiting to hear him rustling in the bushes. With dog biscuits in hand, I heard him close by around 11:00pm, again he approached close enough to tease me--then darts off right back to the neighbors driveway!
I see him in their fancy spotlights as he dances around their mini-van. I absolutely can not chase him--as this simply makes the game more fun for him and he runs faster.
The neighbors once again--fly out of their home and release their overly-obedient golden retriever. This nerdy dog, listens to their commands perfectly--makes two circles, chasing Little Bear right into my waiting arms as I snap on the leash.
As these neighbors don't look my way, I never did need to explain the dogs' silly games.
I am however, sure they are wondering why can't I train the beast?? And as I sit here today reviewing facts about dog training, I'm thinking about the first step. You need to recognize what motivates your dog--food, toys, praise--as this will become the reward in the training regime. The problem is--I know exactly what motivates Little Bear: mischief, and I don't know how to incorporate that into a reward system.
As elsewhere, the perfectly maintained, Mc Mansion subdivisions are tucked away all over Alaska-- with their ubiquitous covenants, beige siding and green lawns. That said, the McMansion closest to our home harbors good, clean cut folks who seem to make a point of never looking in our direction.
I assume it is because of our noisy pets, unmaintained grass and the gall to buy an older home that needs work. Nevertheless, I am ok with it. Don't know what we have in common anyway. The problem is my dog Little Bear.
Now Little Bear has a mysterious background. He just popped up one day at our old property and refused to leave the yard. A proficient thief, he would wonder off during the day, returning with all sorts of strange wares-- string cheese, bones and automotive goods.
We had no choice but to take all our crazy pets with us to the new home. I have tried my hardest to keep them indoors and quiet. But last night was different.
It was late, we had just returned from the State Fair and somehow while tying out Little Bear he slipped loose. Whenever Little Bear gets loose he simply runs. Runs as fast as he can as he tastes his beloved freedom. Worse of all is his love of the chase.
He will come right up to me as I am holding the leash, and then dart off if I try to grab him. Very slippery fellow, and I know of nobody who can catch him.
So off he runs yesterday, and simply to spite me--(as he knew I was softly calling to him in the driveway) he headed straight for the neighbors McMansion. There he teased their large assortment of well-behaved , domestic canines (it is Alaska after all, so everyone does own dogs). This set off the loudest neighborhood commotion and out fly the owners scolding goofy Little Bear. I call to him and he comes back just close enough to dart back into the woods.
I had no choice but to sit in the dark waiting to hear him rustling in the bushes. With dog biscuits in hand, I heard him close by around 11:00pm, again he approached close enough to tease me--then darts off right back to the neighbors driveway!
I see him in their fancy spotlights as he dances around their mini-van. I absolutely can not chase him--as this simply makes the game more fun for him and he runs faster.
The neighbors once again--fly out of their home and release their overly-obedient golden retriever. This nerdy dog, listens to their commands perfectly--makes two circles, chasing Little Bear right into my waiting arms as I snap on the leash.
As these neighbors don't look my way, I never did need to explain the dogs' silly games.
I am however, sure they are wondering why can't I train the beast?? And as I sit here today reviewing facts about dog training, I'm thinking about the first step. You need to recognize what motivates your dog--food, toys, praise--as this will become the reward in the training regime. The problem is--I know exactly what motivates Little Bear: mischief, and I don't know how to incorporate that into a reward system.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Dreams of the Father, Whatever
About the new Obama '2016' movie--enough already with the speculation of how an absent father may have influenced you!!!
People and the media love to say: "well so-and-so has a mom who does crack, or half-sister who eats rats", constantly jumping on the "apple doesn't fall far from the tree crap." In other words, you must think like your parents do... Well I'll tell you about apples, they are genetically like the tree: red on the outside, seeds and pulp on the inside. Just like humans have similar looks, bodies and raw intelligence as the folks who created us. But opinions, beliefs and values are a choice folks !!! (not to mention they change!)
Case in point: my husband and I both have ridiculously racist fathers. Using the N word, freaked out about all sorts of imagined strife. However, as their children --neither one of us have ever agreed with them. Obvious Obama voters, teaching our son that the only reason some people are darker is that "they come from sunnier climates and don't need as much vitamin D!".
My own father loved to point out how the poor folks in trailer parks "got what they deserved" whenever a tornado leveled the place (read Ayn Rand for more fabulous tips on how to blame the weak and the poor for all their problems). Meanwhile, I have spent my whole adult life ranting and raving about the importance of social welfare to a civilized society.
I would absolutely freak out, if someone said that I must share the beliefs of my father!! (And I hold no anger towards him for these thoughts by the way, as I understand that he is a product of his generation).
If you want to know what Obama got from his dad, then read his own version of the story! Not the silliness written by some producer who also speculated that scientists are going to over-run the earth with hungry dinosaurs...
People and the media love to say: "well so-and-so has a mom who does crack, or half-sister who eats rats", constantly jumping on the "apple doesn't fall far from the tree crap." In other words, you must think like your parents do... Well I'll tell you about apples, they are genetically like the tree: red on the outside, seeds and pulp on the inside. Just like humans have similar looks, bodies and raw intelligence as the folks who created us. But opinions, beliefs and values are a choice folks !!! (not to mention they change!)
Case in point: my husband and I both have ridiculously racist fathers. Using the N word, freaked out about all sorts of imagined strife. However, as their children --neither one of us have ever agreed with them. Obvious Obama voters, teaching our son that the only reason some people are darker is that "they come from sunnier climates and don't need as much vitamin D!".
My own father loved to point out how the poor folks in trailer parks "got what they deserved" whenever a tornado leveled the place (read Ayn Rand for more fabulous tips on how to blame the weak and the poor for all their problems). Meanwhile, I have spent my whole adult life ranting and raving about the importance of social welfare to a civilized society.
I would absolutely freak out, if someone said that I must share the beliefs of my father!! (And I hold no anger towards him for these thoughts by the way, as I understand that he is a product of his generation).
If you want to know what Obama got from his dad, then read his own version of the story! Not the silliness written by some producer who also speculated that scientists are going to over-run the earth with hungry dinosaurs...
Thursday, August 16, 2012
How the Conservatives Destroyed Family Dinner Time
The yap, yap, yappers of talk radio always seem to find great enjoyment pointing fingers at feminists, hippies and what have you, blaming them for unraveling the moral threads of our country. With all their crazed requests for birth control and jobs outside of the home-- the whole country has become nothing but a nation of gay-happy liberals going to hell.
But I see a completely different beast clawing away at idealistic America. And it is not a pretty one, as it is the conservative "answer" to all our problems--the free market economy.
Look no further than the recent academic study and photo essay book titled: "Life at Home in the 21st Century". Typical and honest American families opened their homes and closets to a bunch of scholars that don't really portray them in a positive light at all. Instead, they expose families too busy to enjoy their yards, sit with each other at dinner time and seem to only find time for television. And why do they live like this?? Because of their biggest burden of all: clutter. Dual income families in America apparently work hard to fill storage lockers and garages with crap and toys they will never use.
Of course you can blame them for having issues with "personal restraint"--but what can you do in a nation where every economic indicator is based on stuff like "consumer confidence" and the need to shop, shop and shop to keep the whole system going??
These over-cluttered families report stress and depression from this kind of lifestyle. Many conservatives love to point at the "materialistic values of liberals", but give me a break--what is more clutter inducing and materialistic than an economic system based on the need to spend and consume or the whole thing just collapses??
But I see a completely different beast clawing away at idealistic America. And it is not a pretty one, as it is the conservative "answer" to all our problems--the free market economy.
Look no further than the recent academic study and photo essay book titled: "Life at Home in the 21st Century". Typical and honest American families opened their homes and closets to a bunch of scholars that don't really portray them in a positive light at all. Instead, they expose families too busy to enjoy their yards, sit with each other at dinner time and seem to only find time for television. And why do they live like this?? Because of their biggest burden of all: clutter. Dual income families in America apparently work hard to fill storage lockers and garages with crap and toys they will never use.
Of course you can blame them for having issues with "personal restraint"--but what can you do in a nation where every economic indicator is based on stuff like "consumer confidence" and the need to shop, shop and shop to keep the whole system going??
These over-cluttered families report stress and depression from this kind of lifestyle. Many conservatives love to point at the "materialistic values of liberals", but give me a break--what is more clutter inducing and materialistic than an economic system based on the need to spend and consume or the whole thing just collapses??
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Rainy Alaska and Climate Change
Quite a few months ago, maybe even a year, Rolling Stone magazine wrote an article about Al Gore and climate projections.
The most interesting part of this article was the map insert--showing the "new" expected weather patterns....
Contrary to popular belief--everything wouldn't be "warming" , just changing. Of course his projections did indicate that the central part of the nation would warm & dry out (and even worse for Mexico). However, the upper East Coast (northeast) and Northwest are to expect more rain. Especially Alaska.
The crazy thing about all this is, that the map was a future projection, but we are living this bizarre weather pattern now.
I know that folks back East have complained about their "new weather"--increased T-storms, or rolling thunderstorms all summer long. And us Alaskans are drowning in cold and wet summers. This is the third summer in a row where the rain pours down all day. Our once beautiful Alaskan June, has been reduced to a cold and soggy mess. However, we do have lots of water--if only there was a cheap way to export it!
The most interesting part of this article was the map insert--showing the "new" expected weather patterns....
Contrary to popular belief--everything wouldn't be "warming" , just changing. Of course his projections did indicate that the central part of the nation would warm & dry out (and even worse for Mexico). However, the upper East Coast (northeast) and Northwest are to expect more rain. Especially Alaska.
The crazy thing about all this is, that the map was a future projection, but we are living this bizarre weather pattern now.
I know that folks back East have complained about their "new weather"--increased T-storms, or rolling thunderstorms all summer long. And us Alaskans are drowning in cold and wet summers. This is the third summer in a row where the rain pours down all day. Our once beautiful Alaskan June, has been reduced to a cold and soggy mess. However, we do have lots of water--if only there was a cheap way to export it!
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