Before I begin my obvious tirade, let me explain that the East Coast I am referring to--is the crazy busy corridor between DC, Northern NJ and NYC....
Having spent a bit of my time in this 'cluster of stress' myself, I suggest a simple brochure be given out to newcomers, to make them feel more welcome...
Step One: Acquire dead end job. Make sure you don't actually like the work.
Step Two: Purchase a vehicle and house that you can't afford. These items will help you feel superior to others. You now have the liberty to say: "so and so is lazy". Or weird, or stupid, or socialist...whatever word you choose that makes you feel better about yourself. Make sure you talk about this all the time.
Step Three: Become insanely busy so you get really, really, grumpy. If anyone catches you not being busy, glance at your cell phone to pretend you are.
Step Four: Now that you are grumpy and driving a kick ass car, (while glancing at your cell phone)-- make sure to use your middle finger often-- especially at other drivers. Part of feeling superior is to always remember that your destination trumps all others. Especially when sitting in traffic.
Step Five: Enjoy a slice of pizza. One of the blessings of the East Coast is good, cheap pizza--appreciate it!
Step Six: Purchase asthma inhaler (self-explanatory)
Step Seven: Make sure to tell everyone you meet how stressed out you are. This will no doubt make them cherish and admire you.
(That's it--Simple directions for a complex corridor).
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Icy Jane Thaws Out
I have been out of commission for some time, as my fingers and toes froze over in the record breaking Alaskan cold this winter. Luckily, I chose one of the arctic survival methods known to inhabitants of the North: a trip to Hawaii. Of course it sounds elitist--but the traditional cold weather coping mechanisms just didn't cut it this time (which are: saunas, hot tubs, booze and murder).
Anyhow, I prefer my warm weather destinations to be off-the-beaten path, causing me some worry that our destination (the island of Oahu--home to Honolulu) would be a bit too civilized for my liking. How do I quantify off-the-beaten path?? Well that's simple: chickens roaming in unexpected locations. I am the only human I know of, who breathes a sigh of relief, upon discovering a free range chicken in an airport parking lot... As the loose hens serve to remind me that this particular destination is neither overly developed nor boring.
Sadly, the Honolulu parking ramps contained no roaming roosters. Just a lot of Lei stands and warm (yes!) humid air....Downtown Honolulu looked poultry free as well (probably a relief to most tourists)--but I did spot an unexpected animal -- a performing guinea pig. I already knew that guinea pigs are a tad bit smarter than most people give them credit for (as my grandfather had one that came when called). But this urban Honolulu guinea pig, was an actual street performer. Not only did he hang out on a really busy side walk, but when his owner called to him, the golden piggy would jump onto a little surf board for photo ops! He was actually called the "surfing guinea pig...."
But I regress, we didn't really want to spend time in the city, so we drove over the mountains to the windward side of Oahu. I am glad to report the first wild chicken was spotted just 20 minutes outside of the city! Yes, there are chickens and roosters strutting all over Oahu --especially on the North shore. So there is hope after all-- Oahu is still not completely domesticated and tamed. Although it is obvious that the developers and locals are in turmoil over this: as I did spot quite a few "keep the country, country" bumper stickers and banners fighting eminent domain. Of course, as with any other beach front area in the US or elsewhere, the uber-rich feel that the poor and middle class "don't deserve" ocean front property and they must be removed in the name of sprawling estates....Nevertheless, I take comfort that (for now) those wild places still exist.
Anyhow, I prefer my warm weather destinations to be off-the-beaten path, causing me some worry that our destination (the island of Oahu--home to Honolulu) would be a bit too civilized for my liking. How do I quantify off-the-beaten path?? Well that's simple: chickens roaming in unexpected locations. I am the only human I know of, who breathes a sigh of relief, upon discovering a free range chicken in an airport parking lot... As the loose hens serve to remind me that this particular destination is neither overly developed nor boring.
Sadly, the Honolulu parking ramps contained no roaming roosters. Just a lot of Lei stands and warm (yes!) humid air....Downtown Honolulu looked poultry free as well (probably a relief to most tourists)--but I did spot an unexpected animal -- a performing guinea pig. I already knew that guinea pigs are a tad bit smarter than most people give them credit for (as my grandfather had one that came when called). But this urban Honolulu guinea pig, was an actual street performer. Not only did he hang out on a really busy side walk, but when his owner called to him, the golden piggy would jump onto a little surf board for photo ops! He was actually called the "surfing guinea pig...."
But I regress, we didn't really want to spend time in the city, so we drove over the mountains to the windward side of Oahu. I am glad to report the first wild chicken was spotted just 20 minutes outside of the city! Yes, there are chickens and roosters strutting all over Oahu --especially on the North shore. So there is hope after all-- Oahu is still not completely domesticated and tamed. Although it is obvious that the developers and locals are in turmoil over this: as I did spot quite a few "keep the country, country" bumper stickers and banners fighting eminent domain. Of course, as with any other beach front area in the US or elsewhere, the uber-rich feel that the poor and middle class "don't deserve" ocean front property and they must be removed in the name of sprawling estates....Nevertheless, I take comfort that (for now) those wild places still exist.
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