So tis the season to gripe about the materialism of Christmas. The one time of year when it's perfectly ok for everyone to live in a quasi-socialist La-La land and pretend that our American economy would not collapse without materialism.
Well my gripe is more specific. I'm not going to complain about the consumeristic pyramid scheme that is our economy. No, not this time. My gripe is that we have lost the magic of materialism.
What? Magical materialism. That's right.
I remember my own childhood--when a few days before Christmas, packages would arrive at the front door. Now and then an exotic wooden box full of tropical oranges--individually wrapped in purple paper! Or how about the carefully prepared box from auntie, snuggled in brown craft paper? Lying within, one would find a lovely assortment of packages, each wrapped in different colored gift wrap, labeled with a pretty tag and a fancy department store box!
The truth is--I can no longer remember the gifts inside the boxes. But I do remember the excitement of receiving these pretty packages!! How fun it was to sort and open them all!
As an adult--I can't stand gifts. (Gift: a four letter word for more clutter). But something about a mysterious package with pretty paper around it, still peaks even a curmudgeons curiosity!
But here we are, Christmas 2014, and I am surrounded by the conspiracy that is non-magical online shopping. Personally, I never partake. No sir. I fight the hoards, go to stores, wrap and box it up, then stand in the crazy US postal service line --(and if you have ever seen these lines in Alaska, you know this is no laughing matter!!) And why? Because I care-- damn it! I might be out of my mind --but at least I sweat, ran out of tape, got paper cuts, slipped on the ice, caught germs, shopped local, and stood around endlessly--all to send out these ridiculous gifts!!!
And what do we get in exchange?? Online shopping. Big brown anonymous boxes dropped on our doorstep. No pretty paper, ribbons, gift tags or magic. Just ubiquitous big box store items, that I totally could have purchased myself---- half drunk in a bathrobe, thank you very much.
But I will rejoice--as although my own snail shopping by foot, sweat, tears and car has left me exhausted and crazed, I have been lovingly spared the hassle of injuring my index finger while "clicking here"--now that's Holly Jolly!
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Don't Mind the Loud Music, but the Hens....
Somehow I just can't get away from red-neck tendencies. I try and try...and there I go again, doing something utterly tacky like housing livestock in the basement.
But let me explain. My two little chickens decided to protest the Alaskan winter. Now, it's been a mild Alaskan winter (thank you Lower 48!!) but nevertheless, not one for tropical birds (true factoid about chicken evolution).
The hens had a happy home in a horse stall with a heat lamp-- which was good enough most of the summer. However, once November rolled around, the chooks just gave up on laying and started looking a tad sad.
Well then we thought-- Why are we making the chickens miserable ?And not even getting any eggs to boot??
The only "logical place" I had available for them--(and no, we don't have the expertise to build an insulated chicken coop, nor happen to have $600 dollars for one!) was our basement.
Luckily, I can keep it a tiny bit classy, because we happen to have two separate basements. One that is nicely finished for humans, and another section that is heated--but nothing but a slab of cement and a window (kind of creepy, no?)
Yet, pretty good for chickens. I built them a fenced in area, put down sand (like a giant litter box) some roosts and their nesting box--voila! They are content.
Two days after defrosting their little chicken butts, I heard the tell tale "egg song". Yes, they were happy enough to begin laying again!
But alas, it didn't go as expected. As anyone who has ever heard the "egg song" knows-- it is freakishly loud! And both my chickens seem to enjoy the racket for a good 5 minutes or so. But in their new "chicken digs" they also happen to be directly under a forced air heating vent.
Thus the incessant squawking sound travels upstairs, right up the vent that smacks up against a sleeping dog.
The dog awakes with an indignant barking frenzy--proclaiming: "holy shit, who let the poultry into the house!?"
This angry barking, resonates right back down the heating vent, forcing the chickens into a mad panic: "oh my, oh my, there is a dog in here!!" So instead of finishing their egg laying, they run around "like chickens with their heads cut off".
I was worried there was going to be an impacted egg (how long can they hold it in after all??) Even gave my husband instructions on how to give the chicken a warm bath and lubricate the vent 'as needed' to remove said egg (ha!)
Not necessary.
As the next morning, the chickens gave it another shot.
Once again, loud egg song. But this time my 9 year old son was on the case. He screamed--"Blast the radio! Blast the music!" Running to the stereo and turning up a classical symphony...confusing the dogs, who could no longer process the chicken sounds. We ran to the basement, and yes-- success! An egg.
Problem solved, or is it? Because now the whole neighborhood not only hears the "Hallelujah chorus" blasting from our home at all hours, it is interjected with strange chicken squawks. And we actually wonder why our neighbors won't talk to us.....
But let me explain. My two little chickens decided to protest the Alaskan winter. Now, it's been a mild Alaskan winter (thank you Lower 48!!) but nevertheless, not one for tropical birds (true factoid about chicken evolution).
The hens had a happy home in a horse stall with a heat lamp-- which was good enough most of the summer. However, once November rolled around, the chooks just gave up on laying and started looking a tad sad.
Well then we thought-- Why are we making the chickens miserable ?And not even getting any eggs to boot??
The only "logical place" I had available for them--(and no, we don't have the expertise to build an insulated chicken coop, nor happen to have $600 dollars for one!) was our basement.
Luckily, I can keep it a tiny bit classy, because we happen to have two separate basements. One that is nicely finished for humans, and another section that is heated--but nothing but a slab of cement and a window (kind of creepy, no?)
Yet, pretty good for chickens. I built them a fenced in area, put down sand (like a giant litter box) some roosts and their nesting box--voila! They are content.
Two days after defrosting their little chicken butts, I heard the tell tale "egg song". Yes, they were happy enough to begin laying again!
But alas, it didn't go as expected. As anyone who has ever heard the "egg song" knows-- it is freakishly loud! And both my chickens seem to enjoy the racket for a good 5 minutes or so. But in their new "chicken digs" they also happen to be directly under a forced air heating vent.
Thus the incessant squawking sound travels upstairs, right up the vent that smacks up against a sleeping dog.
The dog awakes with an indignant barking frenzy--proclaiming: "holy shit, who let the poultry into the house!?"
This angry barking, resonates right back down the heating vent, forcing the chickens into a mad panic: "oh my, oh my, there is a dog in here!!" So instead of finishing their egg laying, they run around "like chickens with their heads cut off".
I was worried there was going to be an impacted egg (how long can they hold it in after all??) Even gave my husband instructions on how to give the chicken a warm bath and lubricate the vent 'as needed' to remove said egg (ha!)
Not necessary.
As the next morning, the chickens gave it another shot.
Once again, loud egg song. But this time my 9 year old son was on the case. He screamed--"Blast the radio! Blast the music!" Running to the stereo and turning up a classical symphony...confusing the dogs, who could no longer process the chicken sounds. We ran to the basement, and yes-- success! An egg.
Problem solved, or is it? Because now the whole neighborhood not only hears the "Hallelujah chorus" blasting from our home at all hours, it is interjected with strange chicken squawks. And we actually wonder why our neighbors won't talk to us.....
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Welcome to the U.S. Foolacracy!
Isn't it obvious that aliens have sucked out our brains?
Does anyone remember what happened six years ago--when people were packing their basements full of flour, bullets and gold nuggets? Sharpening their pitch forks--as all hell was about to break loose?? Remember those days when we were headed to so-called total "economic collapse"?
But here we are--November 2014, with am improved economy, lower unemployment and strong stock market. (Even Bin Laden is dead!) Yet, obviously disappointed that we didn't get to impale those hungry masses on our pitch forks after all !!! Somebody needs to be impaled, right? We don't even know why or who that should be!!? But we were told we are angry--right?! Let's just go after the Democrats. Because they did --mmm, what? Oh I don't know.
Just read the recent Washington Post article about what Obama did wrong. There is no clear crazy scandal, or blistering catastrophe. There is however, a mention at the end of the story about the economic recovery. How ignoring said recovery is a "head scratcher". People no longer remember the economic problems of 6 years ago-- (but again, not their fault when pesky aliens have sucked out brains).
So this is what happens in a Foolacracy. Mostly those 5% or 10% of undecided voters that throw an election. The sheeple that can be convinced (manipulated) by stuffing them full of crazy mailers and internet ads. Here in Alaska, the signs for proposition issues didn't even bother explaining anything at all. Just "Vote yes on 1", "No on 2". That's it--because they know that in a Foolacracy this sort of strategy actually works!!
Some may say the "middle class" didn't feel the recovery. Well guess what--maybe you never will!! As long as there is something called "THE WORLD", full of really poor people willing to do your job for much less money ! And you fool (that's right) secretly love these poor people--because now your house is filled with flat screen TV's and closets packed with $9.99 sun dresses from China or Bangladesh.
How can we even take the term "democracy" seriously, when we know election results are based on swindling uninformed and undereducated voters??? The party that achieves this first- wins, end of story. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the stupidity of the American people. (not my quote friends, but wish it was :)
Does anyone remember what happened six years ago--when people were packing their basements full of flour, bullets and gold nuggets? Sharpening their pitch forks--as all hell was about to break loose?? Remember those days when we were headed to so-called total "economic collapse"?
But here we are--November 2014, with am improved economy, lower unemployment and strong stock market. (Even Bin Laden is dead!) Yet, obviously disappointed that we didn't get to impale those hungry masses on our pitch forks after all !!! Somebody needs to be impaled, right? We don't even know why or who that should be!!? But we were told we are angry--right?! Let's just go after the Democrats. Because they did --mmm, what? Oh I don't know.
Just read the recent Washington Post article about what Obama did wrong. There is no clear crazy scandal, or blistering catastrophe. There is however, a mention at the end of the story about the economic recovery. How ignoring said recovery is a "head scratcher". People no longer remember the economic problems of 6 years ago-- (but again, not their fault when pesky aliens have sucked out brains).
So this is what happens in a Foolacracy. Mostly those 5% or 10% of undecided voters that throw an election. The sheeple that can be convinced (manipulated) by stuffing them full of crazy mailers and internet ads. Here in Alaska, the signs for proposition issues didn't even bother explaining anything at all. Just "Vote yes on 1", "No on 2". That's it--because they know that in a Foolacracy this sort of strategy actually works!!
Some may say the "middle class" didn't feel the recovery. Well guess what--maybe you never will!! As long as there is something called "THE WORLD", full of really poor people willing to do your job for much less money ! And you fool (that's right) secretly love these poor people--because now your house is filled with flat screen TV's and closets packed with $9.99 sun dresses from China or Bangladesh.
How can we even take the term "democracy" seriously, when we know election results are based on swindling uninformed and undereducated voters??? The party that achieves this first- wins, end of story. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the stupidity of the American people. (not my quote friends, but wish it was :)
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
The Fun of a Palin Presidency!
I have never seen an episode of Keeping up with the Kerdashians (can I even spell that right???) Nor Honey Boo Boo or even Duck Dynasty.... But it is my understanding that these shows are wildly popular with the American public. So why not give the people what they really want!!!?? A reality TV presidency! Filled with hours of white trash hijinks, vengeful remarks and potty talk! And hateful politics! All in one compact package!! It almost happened folks... we were so very close in 2008!
Alas, it was not to be. Instead the Palins retreated back to their Wasilla compound and continued to make money doing all sorts of reality shows, speaking engagements and just making unpleasant comments on Facebook.
Now we are in luck once again, as the Palins have entered the media spotlight by partaking in a drunken brawl down in Anchorage! From what I read, a good time was had by all!
My friends in the Lower 48 keep saying (about the Palins) "I just don't understand"--how did they get so far??"
Here's the thing about Alaska (especially in places like Wasilla). You have some of the friendliest and folksy people you can imagine out there. Folks filled with moxy and a penchant for self-reliance. The type of people that the rest of the country finds rather fascinating. And in those same polite backwoods an anomaly was once found--a family that is ALSO good looking and somewhat articulate -- voila! Palins!
But there is also a darker, lesser known side to Alaskans, and I'm not talking about the desire to shoot things and cover up the yard with a blue tarp!...But the crazy white trash vengefulness (accelerated with an affection for drink) that is so often a part of Alaska. It is what it is-- and what else are you going to do on those long winter nights, but drink yourself into a stupor and start shit?
And yes, we almost had that in the White House. Some may breathe a sigh of relief now, but others may just think.....damn that would have been some fun!!!
Alas, it was not to be. Instead the Palins retreated back to their Wasilla compound and continued to make money doing all sorts of reality shows, speaking engagements and just making unpleasant comments on Facebook.
Now we are in luck once again, as the Palins have entered the media spotlight by partaking in a drunken brawl down in Anchorage! From what I read, a good time was had by all!
My friends in the Lower 48 keep saying (about the Palins) "I just don't understand"--how did they get so far??"
Here's the thing about Alaska (especially in places like Wasilla). You have some of the friendliest and folksy people you can imagine out there. Folks filled with moxy and a penchant for self-reliance. The type of people that the rest of the country finds rather fascinating. And in those same polite backwoods an anomaly was once found--a family that is ALSO good looking and somewhat articulate -- voila! Palins!
But there is also a darker, lesser known side to Alaskans, and I'm not talking about the desire to shoot things and cover up the yard with a blue tarp!...But the crazy white trash vengefulness (accelerated with an affection for drink) that is so often a part of Alaska. It is what it is-- and what else are you going to do on those long winter nights, but drink yourself into a stupor and start shit?
And yes, we almost had that in the White House. Some may breathe a sigh of relief now, but others may just think.....damn that would have been some fun!!!
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Myth of the Egg song
Here's a topic I am sure appeals to almost nobody at all: but I am totally into it!
What's with the long-held misconceptions and beliefs surrounding a hen's laying song?!
I am speaking about the sound (known to country chicken types) as the "egg song"--a crazy squawking noise made by a hen caught up in the moment of her own egg laying.
When I first heard my own chickens producing said "song" I thought--well that's the sound of childbirth !!....But it's more rhythmic than that... akin to a poultry call of the wild (sounds like: squawk, squawk, squawk, squuuaaakkk!) The song is repeated quite a few times and freakishly loud--especially for a quiet neighborhood, that may or may not allow the harboring of poultry ;)
My trusty online chicken forums often discuss the "egg song" --usually in the context of someone's chicken getting ready to lay an egg...But my problem with this is--that the purpose of the song seems lost on folks. If you attempt to google "why the egg song" the most common answer is: "the chicken is proud of her egg, thus announces it". Now what kind of ass backwards Darwinism is that???
What animal "announces" their precious little baby-to-be to the predators of the world--especially an animal who's only means of defense seems to be "panic and run"..???
So I continued to cruise the internet for more info. I gathered the history of the chicken begins in the jungle (which makes sense--their noises are tropical sounding!) My own theory was that the "jungle chickens" try to locate their mate with said song (the chicken doesn't really know if her egg is fertilized or not, and may need his assistance as she begins her long brooding process). And sure enough, anecdotal stories point exactly to that--if you have a rooster at home, he will respond to the egg song! I even read accounts of the rooster arriving with cabbage in his beak to feed the laying hen after the "song" !! Now, if only this more reasonable reason for the egg song would become public knowledge!!!...I wouldn't need to hear about the "silly proud chickens" anymore!!
What's with the long-held misconceptions and beliefs surrounding a hen's laying song?!
I am speaking about the sound (known to country chicken types) as the "egg song"--a crazy squawking noise made by a hen caught up in the moment of her own egg laying.
When I first heard my own chickens producing said "song" I thought--well that's the sound of childbirth !!....But it's more rhythmic than that... akin to a poultry call of the wild (sounds like: squawk, squawk, squawk, squuuaaakkk!) The song is repeated quite a few times and freakishly loud--especially for a quiet neighborhood, that may or may not allow the harboring of poultry ;)
My trusty online chicken forums often discuss the "egg song" --usually in the context of someone's chicken getting ready to lay an egg...But my problem with this is--that the purpose of the song seems lost on folks. If you attempt to google "why the egg song" the most common answer is: "the chicken is proud of her egg, thus announces it". Now what kind of ass backwards Darwinism is that???
What animal "announces" their precious little baby-to-be to the predators of the world--especially an animal who's only means of defense seems to be "panic and run"..???
So I continued to cruise the internet for more info. I gathered the history of the chicken begins in the jungle (which makes sense--their noises are tropical sounding!) My own theory was that the "jungle chickens" try to locate their mate with said song (the chicken doesn't really know if her egg is fertilized or not, and may need his assistance as she begins her long brooding process). And sure enough, anecdotal stories point exactly to that--if you have a rooster at home, he will respond to the egg song! I even read accounts of the rooster arriving with cabbage in his beak to feed the laying hen after the "song" !! Now, if only this more reasonable reason for the egg song would become public knowledge!!!...I wouldn't need to hear about the "silly proud chickens" anymore!!
Friday, August 29, 2014
Random List of Peeves
Maybe this is the weirdest little list of pet peeves ever. But probably not.
1- Yellow leaves. Not by you--but by me (here in Alaska). It's only August 28th and the freakin leaves are starting to change! Oh why???? Everyone else is still basking in summertime, but I have to watch the damn falling leaves...
2- Gangster pants. I don't know what it's called, but that weird thing young men do with their pants to make them look like they are falling off. Like tie their belts around their ass and hold them all awkwardly to show off their underwear. I used to think women were silly for wearing thongs to impress others, but this beats the thong for "most uncomfortable look". Why don't they just wear a metal corset or something if they want to be unable to walk?
3- Finger nails. Maybe I have too much keratin, but I just don't like them growing so fast.
1- Yellow leaves. Not by you--but by me (here in Alaska). It's only August 28th and the freakin leaves are starting to change! Oh why???? Everyone else is still basking in summertime, but I have to watch the damn falling leaves...
2- Gangster pants. I don't know what it's called, but that weird thing young men do with their pants to make them look like they are falling off. Like tie their belts around their ass and hold them all awkwardly to show off their underwear. I used to think women were silly for wearing thongs to impress others, but this beats the thong for "most uncomfortable look". Why don't they just wear a metal corset or something if they want to be unable to walk?
3- Finger nails. Maybe I have too much keratin, but I just don't like them growing so fast.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
The Surgeon General is a Maniac
In my household we have a word : "BIG SKIN"--our term for sneaky corporate dermatology and sunscreen tycoons. Now the surgeon general (who is a suspicious dermatologist) has gotten up on the 'sun will kill you' soap box...This is of course the same sun, that has sustained ALL LIFE ON EARTH for billions of years--yet now is apparently out to kill you.
So they say melanoma has increased three fold since the 1970's --well, wait a minute--isn't this about the same time we STOPPED covering ourselves in greasy Coppertone oils?? And replaced the oily sheen with sunblock ?
And you tell me--are we spending more time outdoors, or less???
But nobody (most of all "big skin") wants to add a bit of accuracy to the dialogue. Namely why would increased sunblock use lead to skin cancer?
Well, the answer is pretty simple--melanin (a tan!?) protects you from the harmful UV rays of the sun. Slow sun exposure prepares your body for UV, versus keeping yourself pale as a lab rat until you accidentally get stuck outside and burn like a piece of bacon. This is why skin cancer rates are actually higher in rainy Oregon , than in sunny Texas--because daily low level sun exposure is the best protection!! Secondly, studies show that sunblock wearers spend more time in the sun than they should. (because nature has this awesome way of protecting you--maybe you feel red, or uncomfortable and know you better get under the shade--how novel!) But when you are covered in globs of nasty toxic sunblock, all you are doing is blocking vitamin D!! Yet ironically allowing some harmful radiation in..
But no pimple popper MD wants to explain these obvious facts to the public.
I just can't believe the surgeon general refuses to articulate the true nature of the problem, nor cares about the health costs associated with vitamin D deficiency. Any evolutionary biologist can tell you, that white folks (once black) lost their pigment as they migrated North so they could absorb MORE sun, not less. But obviously dermatologists are (well meaning perhaps) but misguided creationists.
So they say melanoma has increased three fold since the 1970's --well, wait a minute--isn't this about the same time we STOPPED covering ourselves in greasy Coppertone oils?? And replaced the oily sheen with sunblock ?
And you tell me--are we spending more time outdoors, or less???
But nobody (most of all "big skin") wants to add a bit of accuracy to the dialogue. Namely why would increased sunblock use lead to skin cancer?
Well, the answer is pretty simple--melanin (a tan!?) protects you from the harmful UV rays of the sun. Slow sun exposure prepares your body for UV, versus keeping yourself pale as a lab rat until you accidentally get stuck outside and burn like a piece of bacon. This is why skin cancer rates are actually higher in rainy Oregon , than in sunny Texas--because daily low level sun exposure is the best protection!! Secondly, studies show that sunblock wearers spend more time in the sun than they should. (because nature has this awesome way of protecting you--maybe you feel red, or uncomfortable and know you better get under the shade--how novel!) But when you are covered in globs of nasty toxic sunblock, all you are doing is blocking vitamin D!! Yet ironically allowing some harmful radiation in..
But no pimple popper MD wants to explain these obvious facts to the public.
I just can't believe the surgeon general refuses to articulate the true nature of the problem, nor cares about the health costs associated with vitamin D deficiency. Any evolutionary biologist can tell you, that white folks (once black) lost their pigment as they migrated North so they could absorb MORE sun, not less. But obviously dermatologists are (well meaning perhaps) but misguided creationists.
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