I was glancing at the headlines in Google News the other day, and just became more and more annoyed. The pansy National Weather Service was issuing this warning and that warning to "cover every inch of exposed skin", because heaven forbid, the temperatures may dip to the teens and wind chill may hit zero!!
First of all, if an Alaskan ever complained about "wind chill" everyone would fall over in a ball of laughter. We aIl know it is a fake and made-up term. Might as well say your 'room temperature' changes each time a woman experiencing a hot flash walks by....
I have yet to hear the silly "wind chill" term uttered in Alaska---even after living in the midst of glacier valley winds in the Matanuska-Susitna valley!! And those aren't some sort of baby wind chill winds. No, Alaska wind is called M#$%#$^$*^#* wind!
And what's with the "cover all exposed skin?" Has my (or any other Alaskan's) skin become thicker after living up here so long?!!? I'm actually a bit freaked out--does my family now have freakishly thick polar skin??? And I didn't even notice!?? Gross!!!
Case in point--my son's elementary school. Never canceled recess. That's right--kids were outside up to -12 degrees, playing, laughing and what have you--with exposed skin. And if it was above 5 degrees, they would sweat and lose their coats in the bushes. (But, they did once cancel recess, when some M#$%*&%$@# winds blew in).
The other day, I was driving my 10 year old son to his sport activity. I told him-- "you know, you really should be wearing a coat--it is about 18 degrees outside. "
And he looked at me in horror and said: "why do I need a coat?"
All I could come up with was," because in the lower 48-- people would freak out!"
My poor Alaskan born child knows one thing: he has never seen a child fall over dead because they forgot to wear a coat. (and if they feel cold enough--they have a crazy idea, it's called--"go back inside.")
Granted, the kids do catch colds (from germs), -- but I have yet to see frostbite on the little buggers, even after a long winter of daily outdoor recess.
Not denying that frostbite exists, and people do get chilled and die--but in Alaska, at least, it seems to happen at any temperature (even 40 degrees) , and involves becoming wet, often when wearing cotton. (Cotton kills! they say out here.)
And I sure have seen frostbite damaged skin, but again--on dog mushers--exposed to days and days of negative zero temps, and that crazy arctic wind!
Obviously, you want to protect the elderly, frail and babies from the elements...but the Weather Service could at least acknowledge that us Arctic people exist --and the human species does not spontaneously combust when the temperature goes below zero!!!
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
Down With Neutral Colors!
I'm really not sure who started the madness. Was it HGTV?? Ruthless developers? Or just some bozo who ran out of paint.
But they sure have pulled a fast one on the American people. Convincing honest, hard working folks, to deeply loathe the thought of any color entering their homes. And I'm not talking white walls here folks-- No, no-- I'm talking about the bizarre brainwashing cult that worships shades of beige. Encouraging the types of homes that make me recoil in horror... light beige siding, oatmeal carpet, neutral walls, beige-like tiles, light brown couches--and 'radical' espresso colored cabinets!(which in full disclosure, should be referred to as dark beige.)
Nobody really likes these colors. They just think they have to--out of fear that they will get a tacky ticket or something. Completely oblivious that the human soul is pre-wired to enjoy color. It is a biological fact!
Case in point: do people enjoy sunsets because they are light brown?? Do you want to swim in a beige pool or a beautiful azure colored sea? Do you like sunny days and bright green lawns? Fields of wildflowers and fall colored leaves? Or dreary clouds and pavement. And yes, yes I know you rainy, foggy, pavement lovers do exist...but that's a you issue.
Stop the conspiracy and grab your paint cans! Let us enjoy some color in our homes for crying out loud!!!
But they sure have pulled a fast one on the American people. Convincing honest, hard working folks, to deeply loathe the thought of any color entering their homes. And I'm not talking white walls here folks-- No, no-- I'm talking about the bizarre brainwashing cult that worships shades of beige. Encouraging the types of homes that make me recoil in horror... light beige siding, oatmeal carpet, neutral walls, beige-like tiles, light brown couches--and 'radical' espresso colored cabinets!(which in full disclosure, should be referred to as dark beige.)
Nobody really likes these colors. They just think they have to--out of fear that they will get a tacky ticket or something. Completely oblivious that the human soul is pre-wired to enjoy color. It is a biological fact!
Case in point: do people enjoy sunsets because they are light brown?? Do you want to swim in a beige pool or a beautiful azure colored sea? Do you like sunny days and bright green lawns? Fields of wildflowers and fall colored leaves? Or dreary clouds and pavement. And yes, yes I know you rainy, foggy, pavement lovers do exist...but that's a you issue.
Stop the conspiracy and grab your paint cans! Let us enjoy some color in our homes for crying out loud!!!
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Just Click for Merry
So tis the season to gripe about the materialism of Christmas. The one time of year when it's perfectly ok for everyone to live in a quasi-socialist La-La land and pretend that our American economy would not collapse without materialism.
Well my gripe is more specific. I'm not going to complain about the consumeristic pyramid scheme that is our economy. No, not this time. My gripe is that we have lost the magic of materialism.
What? Magical materialism. That's right.
I remember my own childhood--when a few days before Christmas, packages would arrive at the front door. Now and then an exotic wooden box full of tropical oranges--individually wrapped in purple paper! Or how about the carefully prepared box from auntie, snuggled in brown craft paper? Lying within, one would find a lovely assortment of packages, each wrapped in different colored gift wrap, labeled with a pretty tag and a fancy department store box!
The truth is--I can no longer remember the gifts inside the boxes. But I do remember the excitement of receiving these pretty packages!! How fun it was to sort and open them all!
As an adult--I can't stand gifts. (Gift: a four letter word for more clutter). But something about a mysterious package with pretty paper around it, still peaks even a curmudgeons curiosity!
But here we are, Christmas 2014, and I am surrounded by the conspiracy that is non-magical online shopping. Personally, I never partake. No sir. I fight the hoards, go to stores, wrap and box it up, then stand in the crazy US postal service line --(and if you have ever seen these lines in Alaska, you know this is no laughing matter!!) And why? Because I care-- damn it! I might be out of my mind --but at least I sweat, ran out of tape, got paper cuts, slipped on the ice, caught germs, shopped local, and stood around endlessly--all to send out these ridiculous gifts!!!
And what do we get in exchange?? Online shopping. Big brown anonymous boxes dropped on our doorstep. No pretty paper, ribbons, gift tags or magic. Just ubiquitous big box store items, that I totally could have purchased myself---- half drunk in a bathrobe, thank you very much.
But I will rejoice--as although my own snail shopping by foot, sweat, tears and car has left me exhausted and crazed, I have been lovingly spared the hassle of injuring my index finger while "clicking here"--now that's Holly Jolly!
Well my gripe is more specific. I'm not going to complain about the consumeristic pyramid scheme that is our economy. No, not this time. My gripe is that we have lost the magic of materialism.
What? Magical materialism. That's right.
I remember my own childhood--when a few days before Christmas, packages would arrive at the front door. Now and then an exotic wooden box full of tropical oranges--individually wrapped in purple paper! Or how about the carefully prepared box from auntie, snuggled in brown craft paper? Lying within, one would find a lovely assortment of packages, each wrapped in different colored gift wrap, labeled with a pretty tag and a fancy department store box!
The truth is--I can no longer remember the gifts inside the boxes. But I do remember the excitement of receiving these pretty packages!! How fun it was to sort and open them all!
As an adult--I can't stand gifts. (Gift: a four letter word for more clutter). But something about a mysterious package with pretty paper around it, still peaks even a curmudgeons curiosity!
But here we are, Christmas 2014, and I am surrounded by the conspiracy that is non-magical online shopping. Personally, I never partake. No sir. I fight the hoards, go to stores, wrap and box it up, then stand in the crazy US postal service line --(and if you have ever seen these lines in Alaska, you know this is no laughing matter!!) And why? Because I care-- damn it! I might be out of my mind --but at least I sweat, ran out of tape, got paper cuts, slipped on the ice, caught germs, shopped local, and stood around endlessly--all to send out these ridiculous gifts!!!
And what do we get in exchange?? Online shopping. Big brown anonymous boxes dropped on our doorstep. No pretty paper, ribbons, gift tags or magic. Just ubiquitous big box store items, that I totally could have purchased myself---- half drunk in a bathrobe, thank you very much.
But I will rejoice--as although my own snail shopping by foot, sweat, tears and car has left me exhausted and crazed, I have been lovingly spared the hassle of injuring my index finger while "clicking here"--now that's Holly Jolly!
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Don't Mind the Loud Music, but the Hens....
Somehow I just can't get away from red-neck tendencies. I try and try...and there I go again, doing something utterly tacky like housing livestock in the basement.
But let me explain. My two little chickens decided to protest the Alaskan winter. Now, it's been a mild Alaskan winter (thank you Lower 48!!) but nevertheless, not one for tropical birds (true factoid about chicken evolution).
The hens had a happy home in a horse stall with a heat lamp-- which was good enough most of the summer. However, once November rolled around, the chooks just gave up on laying and started looking a tad sad.
Well then we thought-- Why are we making the chickens miserable ?And not even getting any eggs to boot??
The only "logical place" I had available for them--(and no, we don't have the expertise to build an insulated chicken coop, nor happen to have $600 dollars for one!) was our basement.
Luckily, I can keep it a tiny bit classy, because we happen to have two separate basements. One that is nicely finished for humans, and another section that is heated--but nothing but a slab of cement and a window (kind of creepy, no?)
Yet, pretty good for chickens. I built them a fenced in area, put down sand (like a giant litter box) some roosts and their nesting box--voila! They are content.
Two days after defrosting their little chicken butts, I heard the tell tale "egg song". Yes, they were happy enough to begin laying again!
But alas, it didn't go as expected. As anyone who has ever heard the "egg song" knows-- it is freakishly loud! And both my chickens seem to enjoy the racket for a good 5 minutes or so. But in their new "chicken digs" they also happen to be directly under a forced air heating vent.
Thus the incessant squawking sound travels upstairs, right up the vent that smacks up against a sleeping dog.
The dog awakes with an indignant barking frenzy--proclaiming: "holy shit, who let the poultry into the house!?"
This angry barking, resonates right back down the heating vent, forcing the chickens into a mad panic: "oh my, oh my, there is a dog in here!!" So instead of finishing their egg laying, they run around "like chickens with their heads cut off".
I was worried there was going to be an impacted egg (how long can they hold it in after all??) Even gave my husband instructions on how to give the chicken a warm bath and lubricate the vent 'as needed' to remove said egg (ha!)
Not necessary.
As the next morning, the chickens gave it another shot.
Once again, loud egg song. But this time my 9 year old son was on the case. He screamed--"Blast the radio! Blast the music!" Running to the stereo and turning up a classical symphony...confusing the dogs, who could no longer process the chicken sounds. We ran to the basement, and yes-- success! An egg.
Problem solved, or is it? Because now the whole neighborhood not only hears the "Hallelujah chorus" blasting from our home at all hours, it is interjected with strange chicken squawks. And we actually wonder why our neighbors won't talk to us.....
But let me explain. My two little chickens decided to protest the Alaskan winter. Now, it's been a mild Alaskan winter (thank you Lower 48!!) but nevertheless, not one for tropical birds (true factoid about chicken evolution).
The hens had a happy home in a horse stall with a heat lamp-- which was good enough most of the summer. However, once November rolled around, the chooks just gave up on laying and started looking a tad sad.
Well then we thought-- Why are we making the chickens miserable ?And not even getting any eggs to boot??
The only "logical place" I had available for them--(and no, we don't have the expertise to build an insulated chicken coop, nor happen to have $600 dollars for one!) was our basement.
Luckily, I can keep it a tiny bit classy, because we happen to have two separate basements. One that is nicely finished for humans, and another section that is heated--but nothing but a slab of cement and a window (kind of creepy, no?)
Yet, pretty good for chickens. I built them a fenced in area, put down sand (like a giant litter box) some roosts and their nesting box--voila! They are content.
Two days after defrosting their little chicken butts, I heard the tell tale "egg song". Yes, they were happy enough to begin laying again!
But alas, it didn't go as expected. As anyone who has ever heard the "egg song" knows-- it is freakishly loud! And both my chickens seem to enjoy the racket for a good 5 minutes or so. But in their new "chicken digs" they also happen to be directly under a forced air heating vent.
Thus the incessant squawking sound travels upstairs, right up the vent that smacks up against a sleeping dog.
The dog awakes with an indignant barking frenzy--proclaiming: "holy shit, who let the poultry into the house!?"
This angry barking, resonates right back down the heating vent, forcing the chickens into a mad panic: "oh my, oh my, there is a dog in here!!" So instead of finishing their egg laying, they run around "like chickens with their heads cut off".
I was worried there was going to be an impacted egg (how long can they hold it in after all??) Even gave my husband instructions on how to give the chicken a warm bath and lubricate the vent 'as needed' to remove said egg (ha!)
Not necessary.
As the next morning, the chickens gave it another shot.
Once again, loud egg song. But this time my 9 year old son was on the case. He screamed--"Blast the radio! Blast the music!" Running to the stereo and turning up a classical symphony...confusing the dogs, who could no longer process the chicken sounds. We ran to the basement, and yes-- success! An egg.
Problem solved, or is it? Because now the whole neighborhood not only hears the "Hallelujah chorus" blasting from our home at all hours, it is interjected with strange chicken squawks. And we actually wonder why our neighbors won't talk to us.....
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Welcome to the U.S. Foolacracy!
Isn't it obvious that aliens have sucked out our brains?
Does anyone remember what happened six years ago--when people were packing their basements full of flour, bullets and gold nuggets? Sharpening their pitch forks--as all hell was about to break loose?? Remember those days when we were headed to so-called total "economic collapse"?
But here we are--November 2014, with am improved economy, lower unemployment and strong stock market. (Even Bin Laden is dead!) Yet, obviously disappointed that we didn't get to impale those hungry masses on our pitch forks after all !!! Somebody needs to be impaled, right? We don't even know why or who that should be!!? But we were told we are angry--right?! Let's just go after the Democrats. Because they did --mmm, what? Oh I don't know.
Just read the recent Washington Post article about what Obama did wrong. There is no clear crazy scandal, or blistering catastrophe. There is however, a mention at the end of the story about the economic recovery. How ignoring said recovery is a "head scratcher". People no longer remember the economic problems of 6 years ago-- (but again, not their fault when pesky aliens have sucked out brains).
So this is what happens in a Foolacracy. Mostly those 5% or 10% of undecided voters that throw an election. The sheeple that can be convinced (manipulated) by stuffing them full of crazy mailers and internet ads. Here in Alaska, the signs for proposition issues didn't even bother explaining anything at all. Just "Vote yes on 1", "No on 2". That's it--because they know that in a Foolacracy this sort of strategy actually works!!
Some may say the "middle class" didn't feel the recovery. Well guess what--maybe you never will!! As long as there is something called "THE WORLD", full of really poor people willing to do your job for much less money ! And you fool (that's right) secretly love these poor people--because now your house is filled with flat screen TV's and closets packed with $9.99 sun dresses from China or Bangladesh.
How can we even take the term "democracy" seriously, when we know election results are based on swindling uninformed and undereducated voters??? The party that achieves this first- wins, end of story. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the stupidity of the American people. (not my quote friends, but wish it was :)
Does anyone remember what happened six years ago--when people were packing their basements full of flour, bullets and gold nuggets? Sharpening their pitch forks--as all hell was about to break loose?? Remember those days when we were headed to so-called total "economic collapse"?
But here we are--November 2014, with am improved economy, lower unemployment and strong stock market. (Even Bin Laden is dead!) Yet, obviously disappointed that we didn't get to impale those hungry masses on our pitch forks after all !!! Somebody needs to be impaled, right? We don't even know why or who that should be!!? But we were told we are angry--right?! Let's just go after the Democrats. Because they did --mmm, what? Oh I don't know.
Just read the recent Washington Post article about what Obama did wrong. There is no clear crazy scandal, or blistering catastrophe. There is however, a mention at the end of the story about the economic recovery. How ignoring said recovery is a "head scratcher". People no longer remember the economic problems of 6 years ago-- (but again, not their fault when pesky aliens have sucked out brains).
So this is what happens in a Foolacracy. Mostly those 5% or 10% of undecided voters that throw an election. The sheeple that can be convinced (manipulated) by stuffing them full of crazy mailers and internet ads. Here in Alaska, the signs for proposition issues didn't even bother explaining anything at all. Just "Vote yes on 1", "No on 2". That's it--because they know that in a Foolacracy this sort of strategy actually works!!
Some may say the "middle class" didn't feel the recovery. Well guess what--maybe you never will!! As long as there is something called "THE WORLD", full of really poor people willing to do your job for much less money ! And you fool (that's right) secretly love these poor people--because now your house is filled with flat screen TV's and closets packed with $9.99 sun dresses from China or Bangladesh.
How can we even take the term "democracy" seriously, when we know election results are based on swindling uninformed and undereducated voters??? The party that achieves this first- wins, end of story. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the stupidity of the American people. (not my quote friends, but wish it was :)
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
The Fun of a Palin Presidency!
I have never seen an episode of Keeping up with the Kerdashians (can I even spell that right???) Nor Honey Boo Boo or even Duck Dynasty.... But it is my understanding that these shows are wildly popular with the American public. So why not give the people what they really want!!!?? A reality TV presidency! Filled with hours of white trash hijinks, vengeful remarks and potty talk! And hateful politics! All in one compact package!! It almost happened folks... we were so very close in 2008!
Alas, it was not to be. Instead the Palins retreated back to their Wasilla compound and continued to make money doing all sorts of reality shows, speaking engagements and just making unpleasant comments on Facebook.
Now we are in luck once again, as the Palins have entered the media spotlight by partaking in a drunken brawl down in Anchorage! From what I read, a good time was had by all!
My friends in the Lower 48 keep saying (about the Palins) "I just don't understand"--how did they get so far??"
Here's the thing about Alaska (especially in places like Wasilla). You have some of the friendliest and folksy people you can imagine out there. Folks filled with moxy and a penchant for self-reliance. The type of people that the rest of the country finds rather fascinating. And in those same polite backwoods an anomaly was once found--a family that is ALSO good looking and somewhat articulate -- voila! Palins!
But there is also a darker, lesser known side to Alaskans, and I'm not talking about the desire to shoot things and cover up the yard with a blue tarp!...But the crazy white trash vengefulness (accelerated with an affection for drink) that is so often a part of Alaska. It is what it is-- and what else are you going to do on those long winter nights, but drink yourself into a stupor and start shit?
And yes, we almost had that in the White House. Some may breathe a sigh of relief now, but others may just think.....damn that would have been some fun!!!
Alas, it was not to be. Instead the Palins retreated back to their Wasilla compound and continued to make money doing all sorts of reality shows, speaking engagements and just making unpleasant comments on Facebook.
Now we are in luck once again, as the Palins have entered the media spotlight by partaking in a drunken brawl down in Anchorage! From what I read, a good time was had by all!
My friends in the Lower 48 keep saying (about the Palins) "I just don't understand"--how did they get so far??"
Here's the thing about Alaska (especially in places like Wasilla). You have some of the friendliest and folksy people you can imagine out there. Folks filled with moxy and a penchant for self-reliance. The type of people that the rest of the country finds rather fascinating. And in those same polite backwoods an anomaly was once found--a family that is ALSO good looking and somewhat articulate -- voila! Palins!
But there is also a darker, lesser known side to Alaskans, and I'm not talking about the desire to shoot things and cover up the yard with a blue tarp!...But the crazy white trash vengefulness (accelerated with an affection for drink) that is so often a part of Alaska. It is what it is-- and what else are you going to do on those long winter nights, but drink yourself into a stupor and start shit?
And yes, we almost had that in the White House. Some may breathe a sigh of relief now, but others may just think.....damn that would have been some fun!!!
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Myth of the Egg song
Here's a topic I am sure appeals to almost nobody at all: but I am totally into it!
What's with the long-held misconceptions and beliefs surrounding a hen's laying song?!
I am speaking about the sound (known to country chicken types) as the "egg song"--a crazy squawking noise made by a hen caught up in the moment of her own egg laying.
When I first heard my own chickens producing said "song" I thought--well that's the sound of childbirth !!....But it's more rhythmic than that... akin to a poultry call of the wild (sounds like: squawk, squawk, squawk, squuuaaakkk!) The song is repeated quite a few times and freakishly loud--especially for a quiet neighborhood, that may or may not allow the harboring of poultry ;)
My trusty online chicken forums often discuss the "egg song" --usually in the context of someone's chicken getting ready to lay an egg...But my problem with this is--that the purpose of the song seems lost on folks. If you attempt to google "why the egg song" the most common answer is: "the chicken is proud of her egg, thus announces it". Now what kind of ass backwards Darwinism is that???
What animal "announces" their precious little baby-to-be to the predators of the world--especially an animal who's only means of defense seems to be "panic and run"..???
So I continued to cruise the internet for more info. I gathered the history of the chicken begins in the jungle (which makes sense--their noises are tropical sounding!) My own theory was that the "jungle chickens" try to locate their mate with said song (the chicken doesn't really know if her egg is fertilized or not, and may need his assistance as she begins her long brooding process). And sure enough, anecdotal stories point exactly to that--if you have a rooster at home, he will respond to the egg song! I even read accounts of the rooster arriving with cabbage in his beak to feed the laying hen after the "song" !! Now, if only this more reasonable reason for the egg song would become public knowledge!!!...I wouldn't need to hear about the "silly proud chickens" anymore!!
What's with the long-held misconceptions and beliefs surrounding a hen's laying song?!
I am speaking about the sound (known to country chicken types) as the "egg song"--a crazy squawking noise made by a hen caught up in the moment of her own egg laying.
When I first heard my own chickens producing said "song" I thought--well that's the sound of childbirth !!....But it's more rhythmic than that... akin to a poultry call of the wild (sounds like: squawk, squawk, squawk, squuuaaakkk!) The song is repeated quite a few times and freakishly loud--especially for a quiet neighborhood, that may or may not allow the harboring of poultry ;)
My trusty online chicken forums often discuss the "egg song" --usually in the context of someone's chicken getting ready to lay an egg...But my problem with this is--that the purpose of the song seems lost on folks. If you attempt to google "why the egg song" the most common answer is: "the chicken is proud of her egg, thus announces it". Now what kind of ass backwards Darwinism is that???
What animal "announces" their precious little baby-to-be to the predators of the world--especially an animal who's only means of defense seems to be "panic and run"..???
So I continued to cruise the internet for more info. I gathered the history of the chicken begins in the jungle (which makes sense--their noises are tropical sounding!) My own theory was that the "jungle chickens" try to locate their mate with said song (the chicken doesn't really know if her egg is fertilized or not, and may need his assistance as she begins her long brooding process). And sure enough, anecdotal stories point exactly to that--if you have a rooster at home, he will respond to the egg song! I even read accounts of the rooster arriving with cabbage in his beak to feed the laying hen after the "song" !! Now, if only this more reasonable reason for the egg song would become public knowledge!!!...I wouldn't need to hear about the "silly proud chickens" anymore!!
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