Suffering From Sun Guilt

I assume most folks think that "sun guilt" is something experienced by those who forget to apply vast amounts of sunscreen. But no..
The "sun guilt" I am referring to is something uniquely Alaskan. Caused not by sun exposure, but the idea that you are not running towards it when available to you.
Let me explain. Some may naively assume cloudy Seattle or rainy Portland are the dreariest cities in the USA, blissfully unaware of the dark horrors witnessed by most Alaskans.  When glancing at silly charts describing "sun indexes of US towns" --one can see that they don't even bother to mention Anchorage or Juneau in their little graphs...(I assume it is simply too depressing). Thus, Seattle (wrongly) always wins the title of "gloomiest city" or whatever.
Now that you know that Alaska is the unofficial winner of the 'least sunniest climate contest', I can better explain the phenomena of "sun guilt".
This is a strange affliction experienced by Alaskans on a bright and sunny day.  It starts with all the announcements on the radio: "get out of work early!" or "did you look outside today?" Followed by friends calling or coworkers commenting--"this is the best day ever!"  All this hoopla because it is sunny and bearable outside. Now, some people actually do jump into their cars and leave work early (I am not kidding) and grab their hiking boots, kayaks, bikes or what have you. But then some of us--for whatever reason, may just not be in the mood to get out there. And that's when the "guilt" hits. 
You keep thinking to yourself-- "why the heck am I indoors today?" or "at least I need to get out and BBQ".  It is ruthless, as this guilt continues eating away at you. Until, at the very least, you shuffle over to the window and sit there like a lazy cat, basking in the warmth. All this anguish caused by the infrequent sun...

HGTV Secretly Stands for Hysteria TV

For the past ten years I have had very limited access to TV. Yet, these past few months I have had a rude awakening as to what is actually out there....As I put on my life vest and began swimming through the digital offerings---dodging drunken housewives, preachy red-necks and repetitive Alaska shows-- HGTV managed to catch my eye.
At first, it can suck you in because you never know--are they in Australia? Hawaii? Cleveland or Canada?? But then a disturbing pattern became evident to my family. Hysteria is back.
Now Hysteria is an archaic mental health diagnosis, once readily assigned to emotional and irrational women. In modern times, it has finally been rejected by the medical community. That is up until now.
I truly fear that if the authors of of the new DSM (diagnostic manual) watch about 24 hours worth of HGTV, the diagnosis of women's hysteria will be highlighted in the new edition.
What we as a family have observed is--- the way westernized women behave around kitchens. It doesn't matter if it is a remodeling show, or a house hunting show. They keep acting like crazy people in the kitchens. Some sort of bizarre insecurity takes hold, as they insist and insist on stainless steel appliances. We watched in horror as one woman made orgasmic noises in front of a "high end refrigerator". If someone happens upon an "outdated kitchen" the women act like they have stumbled upon a murder scene, and flee disgusted. Some insist on ambitious plans to rip the poor kitchens to shreds. And then when a kitchen is "modernized", swoon and sing as they rub the granite counter tops--satiating primal longings to be back in the stone age.
So in the years I missed watching TV, what I really missed was the great conspiracy to drive women crazy. What happened to the days when humans were glad just to have kitchens? (like the rest of the non-westernized world for crying out loud!)

Where Do the Journalists Think They Are?

First of all, I do love the funny comments, pics and twitter feeds about the problems with unfinished hotel rooms at the Sochi Olympics. Just a bit of Western fun time--poking at Putin for not "getting" what Americans really want. Like privacy in toilets stalls vs. killing dogs.
The thing that is odd to me though, is the bewilderment of the journalists. Is it real? Did they really believe the hype? Or do they know very little about mother Russia? 
The hilarious "no standing on toilets" "nor fishing", etc. signs are actually standard form for public toilets in Eastern Europe and Russia. Seems that folks can't get over the fact that they can actually sit on them now!! (I saw this first hand). Mostly because the toilets of the past HAD NO SEATS. So this takes some getting used to.
And the big line of public toilets with zero privacy stalls, is considered too normal to change. Used a restroom like this at a sports complex once (note: you need to be drunk and stare straight forward while utilizing it).
And lastly, the disappointment about not being allowed to flush toilet paper or drink the water. But isn't that so very South American?! Even the Hilton (Venezuela), had the gross little dirty paper bin and bottled water....Not to mention, a few weeks back, my very own Alaskan plumber (after snaking our sewer line) remarked--"you really should stop putting toilet paper in there!" 

You are Welcome!

Greetings for Alaska! 
I just wanted to thank all you Lower 48 folks down there, who are so thoroughly enjoying our precious gift to you:  The Polar Vortex.
It certainly took a bit of voodoo to send that jet stream back your way, but guess it worked. At the very least, maybe the southern folks will have a tad more empathy as to what we Alaskans endure for about six flipping months each and every winter!!!!!  On the other hand--maybe you already knew?? I mean we have a kicking economy-- good jobs just seem to fall from the sky around here. 
But yet nobody wants to move here for good opportunities!?! Is it because you already know about our lousy winters?? On the other hand, if the vortex sticks around, maybe Alaska will look downright balmy.
I am looking out my window at the lawn today (dead lawn) but still not snow! Are you??

Top Ten Things A Germaphobe Will NEVER Do

In the media's never ending quest to gain the average dullards attention, we are constantly bombarded by a steady stream of headlines, pertaining to some form of deviant behavior...Well let me tell you this-- us germaphobes aren't interested in new ways of smearing ourselves with other peoples fluids (hygiene theory be damned!) Instead, I bring to you, --in the name of those who worship the icon of hand sanitizer--a brief list of things you never need to worry about us doing:

1- Joining the Mile High Club. I don't know how public bathroom sex can ever be considered sexy. My own dogs refuse to step into excrement while raping one another, yet evolved humans are ok with sitting on diaper changing areas or squishing against obviously urinated on public toilets....?

2- Hosting a poultry cooking show. My fear of uncooked chicken (after two actual bouts of salmonella) is pretty ridiculous. Although I do allow the offending item into the house--the accompanying protocol on food handling safety is much too tedious for television. 

3- Using a public telephone. Yes, I know these are gone with the dinosaurs. But thank goodness. The last time I held a public phone to my ear, I actually got ear zits!

4- Enjoying a communal hot tub.  I'm not totally against this, because a properly sanitized hot tub can be ok. But, a true germaphobe can never really enjoy the experience, as they are constantly worrying about the next person that might get in. Like, what is lurking under their swimsuit? Are they using the jets for self stimulation?? And why are they bringing their diaper baby into the tub?? (have seen this happen!)

5- Attending an Orgy. It seems the newest thing in movies is orgy this, orgy that. Instead of sexy, a germaphobe sees countless clouds of gonorrhea circulating throughout the masses. These orgy people are definitely the same ones who don't wash their hands after using the restroom.

6- No Pants Day on the subway. This certainly makes for an amusing headline, and I understand it brings some laughter to an otherwise boring mass transportation system. But will you ever see me, sitting with only cotton underpants on public transportation? No.

7- Kitchen chickens. Urban chickens might be all the rage. But no real germaphobe would allow any sort of pooping poultry to enter their home, nor track their fecal matter about. Fresh eggs be damned.

8- Entering Chuck E Cheese. I recently attempted this, in honor of a child's birthday party. Unfortunately, the departing gift included a bout of pink eye.

9- Consuming food right after using an ATM. All that public button pushing. Good grief.

10- Becoming a reality TV star. Sure, I guess there are some shows left that only involve dancing or troopers. Or maybe even dancing troopers. Yet so many reality TV shows have become booze fueled bed sheet share programs, that you will have to count the germaphobes out. They make for boring television.

What's the Deal With Wind Chill ?

Well I found out I am not the only Alaskan that finds the "horrible weather" updates from the, Lower 48 a tad bit annoying. Instead of sympathy--us Northerners feel more like "ugh, what's with the griping?"

That said-- I do feel badly for those who have power outages in subzero temps-- especially if you don't have a wood stove or generator. Sympathies to all of you!

However, the real Alaskan head-scratcher is this: why the heck is everyone in the Lower 48 obsessed with 'wind chill'? The silly ominous term, that serves no real purpose, except to invoke some sort of winter-time pity party!?!? Weather reports on Alaskan TV, never talk about pansy "wind chill", it's considered a completely foreign, fake and depressing concept. 

Not that we don't have wind, or chill for that matter. But harping on "wind chill" is equivalent to banging your head against the wall.  Why would you want to make people feel even more miserable in the cold and dreary winter by emphasizing-- "it's even colder that you think outside!!!" Here are some "fake chill" numbers to really get you grumpy this morning! There's no purpose whatsoever, except to make Joe Ohio feel like a tough guy, because he "braved that wind chill, you know"...

Perhaps some Lower 48 meteorologist will argue that the 'wind chill' numbers help people prepare for conditions outside-- sorry, not buying that. If you don't have the good sense to put on a coat and warm hat when it's cold outside, not sure scary imaginary numbers will help that.

For Crying Out Loud--Take Your Vitamins People!

Honestly, I really want to have a pity-party for my poor Alaskan self right now. Why can't I enjoy engaging in a "crisis emergency situation" each time it friggin snows outside or goes below zero degrees???? Why do us Alaskans have to "suck up" the windstorms, daily icy road conditions, and subzero temps?? I assume it's because we don't have the good sense to pack up and move to Philadelphia ?? What fun it would be to run around like a chicken with my head cut off every time it may snow 6 inches!
 But whatever, I will try a more enlightened path (insert cliche here)....and send some helpful goodwill towards my fellow human beings...here goes:
Basically,  "the powers that may be", continue to fund crappy and flawed vitamin studies!! Don't listen to them and save yourself!! Over and over these bizarre fu%$#* up studies appear. And I calm myself down, thinking--well those headlines will disappear... no worries... But then I get hit in the face again and again with the rehashed line: "according to recent research, vitamins are a waste of money"...
Oh my goodness!! Its' kind of like the baby formula companies that tried to shame ladies out of breastfeeding years ago! 
I was somewhat relieved to see that Oregon State researchers recently pointed out this craziness. That giving mini-vitamin doses to the Mitt Romney crowd (healthy and well heeled) results only in predicted non-results (duh!)... The malnourished are never represented, nor are standardized, proper doses (i.e. larger) even attempted (what are they afraid of ????) success I assume !!?? I have seen this very same blasphemy against Vitamin C and D. And now they are going after the multivitamins.  Is there some sort of weird need for rickets to return? Are people even paying attention to the food -- raised in depleted soil with less nutrients than ever before?? Folks-- let the Whole Foods crowd flush their multis down the toilet, as they smugly suck down a grass-fed calf liver and salmon smoothie...but please remember --the rest of us may just need to take a vitamin after all!!