Where Do the Journalists Think They Are?

First of all, I do love the funny comments, pics and twitter feeds about the problems with unfinished hotel rooms at the Sochi Olympics. Just a bit of Western fun time--poking at Putin for not "getting" what Americans really want. Like privacy in toilets stalls vs. killing dogs.
The thing that is odd to me though, is the bewilderment of the journalists. Is it real? Did they really believe the hype? Or do they know very little about mother Russia? 
The hilarious "no standing on toilets" "nor fishing", etc. signs are actually standard form for public toilets in Eastern Europe and Russia. Seems that folks can't get over the fact that they can actually sit on them now!! (I saw this first hand). Mostly because the toilets of the past HAD NO SEATS. So this takes some getting used to.
And the big line of public toilets with zero privacy stalls, is considered too normal to change. Used a restroom like this at a sports complex once (note: you need to be drunk and stare straight forward while utilizing it).
And lastly, the disappointment about not being allowed to flush toilet paper or drink the water. But isn't that so very South American?! Even the Hilton (Venezuela), had the gross little dirty paper bin and bottled water....Not to mention, a few weeks back, my very own Alaskan plumber (after snaking our sewer line) remarked--"you really should stop putting toilet paper in there!" 

You are Welcome!

Greetings for Alaska! 
I just wanted to thank all you Lower 48 folks down there, who are so thoroughly enjoying our precious gift to you:  The Polar Vortex.
It certainly took a bit of voodoo to send that jet stream back your way, but guess it worked. At the very least, maybe the southern folks will have a tad more empathy as to what we Alaskans endure for about six flipping months each and every winter!!!!!  On the other hand--maybe you already knew?? I mean we have a kicking economy-- good jobs just seem to fall from the sky around here. 
But yet nobody wants to move here for good opportunities!?! Is it because you already know about our lousy winters?? On the other hand, if the vortex sticks around, maybe Alaska will look downright balmy.
I am looking out my window at the lawn today (dead lawn) but still not snow! Are you??

Top Ten Things A Germaphobe Will NEVER Do

In the media's never ending quest to gain the average dullards attention, we are constantly bombarded by a steady stream of headlines, pertaining to some form of deviant behavior...Well let me tell you this-- us germaphobes aren't interested in new ways of smearing ourselves with other peoples fluids (hygiene theory be damned!) Instead, I bring to you, --in the name of those who worship the icon of hand sanitizer--a brief list of things you never need to worry about us doing:

1- Joining the Mile High Club. I don't know how public bathroom sex can ever be considered sexy. My own dogs refuse to step into excrement while raping one another, yet evolved humans are ok with sitting on diaper changing areas or squishing against obviously urinated on public toilets....?

2- Hosting a poultry cooking show. My fear of uncooked chicken (after two actual bouts of salmonella) is pretty ridiculous. Although I do allow the offending item into the house--the accompanying protocol on food handling safety is much too tedious for television. 

3- Using a public telephone. Yes, I know these are gone with the dinosaurs. But thank goodness. The last time I held a public phone to my ear, I actually got ear zits!

4- Enjoying a communal hot tub.  I'm not totally against this, because a properly sanitized hot tub can be ok. But, a true germaphobe can never really enjoy the experience, as they are constantly worrying about the next person that might get in. Like, what is lurking under their swimsuit? Are they using the jets for self stimulation?? And why are they bringing their diaper baby into the tub?? (have seen this happen!)

5- Attending an Orgy. It seems the newest thing in movies is orgy this, orgy that. Instead of sexy, a germaphobe sees countless clouds of gonorrhea circulating throughout the masses. These orgy people are definitely the same ones who don't wash their hands after using the restroom.

6- No Pants Day on the subway. This certainly makes for an amusing headline, and I understand it brings some laughter to an otherwise boring mass transportation system. But will you ever see me, sitting with only cotton underpants on public transportation? No.

7- Kitchen chickens. Urban chickens might be all the rage. But no real germaphobe would allow any sort of pooping poultry to enter their home, nor track their fecal matter about. Fresh eggs be damned.

8- Entering Chuck E Cheese. I recently attempted this, in honor of a child's birthday party. Unfortunately, the departing gift included a bout of pink eye.

9- Consuming food right after using an ATM. All that public button pushing. Good grief.

10- Becoming a reality TV star. Sure, I guess there are some shows left that only involve dancing or troopers. Or maybe even dancing troopers. Yet so many reality TV shows have become booze fueled bed sheet share programs, that you will have to count the germaphobes out. They make for boring television.

What's the Deal With Wind Chill ?

Well I found out I am not the only Alaskan that finds the "horrible weather" updates from the, Lower 48 a tad bit annoying. Instead of sympathy--us Northerners feel more like "ugh, what's with the griping?"

That said-- I do feel badly for those who have power outages in subzero temps-- especially if you don't have a wood stove or generator. Sympathies to all of you!

However, the real Alaskan head-scratcher is this: why the heck is everyone in the Lower 48 obsessed with 'wind chill'? The silly ominous term, that serves no real purpose, except to invoke some sort of winter-time pity party!?!? Weather reports on Alaskan TV, never talk about pansy "wind chill", it's considered a completely foreign, fake and depressing concept. 

Not that we don't have wind, or chill for that matter. But harping on "wind chill" is equivalent to banging your head against the wall.  Why would you want to make people feel even more miserable in the cold and dreary winter by emphasizing-- "it's even colder that you think outside!!!" Here are some "fake chill" numbers to really get you grumpy this morning! There's no purpose whatsoever, except to make Joe Ohio feel like a tough guy, because he "braved that wind chill, you know"...

Perhaps some Lower 48 meteorologist will argue that the 'wind chill' numbers help people prepare for conditions outside-- sorry, not buying that. If you don't have the good sense to put on a coat and warm hat when it's cold outside, not sure scary imaginary numbers will help that.

For Crying Out Loud--Take Your Vitamins People!

Honestly, I really want to have a pity-party for my poor Alaskan self right now. Why can't I enjoy engaging in a "crisis emergency situation" each time it friggin snows outside or goes below zero degrees???? Why do us Alaskans have to "suck up" the windstorms, daily icy road conditions, and subzero temps?? I assume it's because we don't have the good sense to pack up and move to Philadelphia ?? What fun it would be to run around like a chicken with my head cut off every time it may snow 6 inches!
 But whatever, I will try a more enlightened path (insert cliche here)....and send some helpful goodwill towards my fellow human beings...here goes:
Basically,  "the powers that may be", continue to fund crappy and flawed vitamin studies!! Don't listen to them and save yourself!! Over and over these bizarre fu%$#* up studies appear. And I calm myself down, thinking--well those headlines will disappear... no worries... But then I get hit in the face again and again with the rehashed line: "according to recent research, vitamins are a waste of money"...
Oh my goodness!! Its' kind of like the baby formula companies that tried to shame ladies out of breastfeeding years ago! 
I was somewhat relieved to see that Oregon State researchers recently pointed out this craziness. That giving mini-vitamin doses to the Mitt Romney crowd (healthy and well heeled) results only in predicted non-results (duh!)... The malnourished are never represented, nor are standardized, proper doses (i.e. larger) even attempted (what are they afraid of ????) success I assume !!?? I have seen this very same blasphemy against Vitamin C and D. And now they are going after the multivitamins.  Is there some sort of weird need for rickets to return? Are people even paying attention to the food -- raised in depleted soil with less nutrients than ever before?? Folks-- let the Whole Foods crowd flush their multis down the toilet, as they smugly suck down a grass-fed calf liver and salmon smoothie...but please remember --the rest of us may just need to take a vitamin after all!!

Cat vs. Coyote

I find it quite enchanting that the American landscape is currently teeming with coyotes. Their chilling howls and raucous giggles, are a fantastic antidote to the relentless pursuit of paving and taming North America.
Although this fantastic four legged creature is not unique to Alaska, suburban coyote traplines probably are. I speak of the wayward officer portrayed in the infamous "AK state troopers". It appears he feels he has performed a great public service by placing (what I assume) are leg hold traps in residential neighborhoods---to trap these horrific pests. And what "crime" has the graceful coyote committed ?? Apparently it is his love of feasting on fat house cat. (not to mention the nice sum his pelt is worth)
Yes, yes it's true--my husband himself saw a coyote happily prancing across the road with a large house cat in its jowls. I know of neighbors who have lost a cat, and spoken to others who have also witnessed the joyous bounce of a coyote skipping off with a cat snack....(mmm, like a nice sugary doughnut! filled with junky cat food!)
Honestly folks, I am no cat hater. Even have a pet cat. But why in the world would a so-called cat lover complain that a coyote took their cat? It is incomprehensible to me. Did the coyote break down the door, enter the living room and steal poor kitty right from her scratching post?? I think not. Is this something like the old Road Runner show, where the coyote is ordering all sorts of contraptions from the Acme co. in order to cause cat chaos?? Please people--If you want your cat to be outdoors, then accept what outdoors means--disease, cars, dogs, mean kids and yes, coyotes. And if you don't like those risks--then keep you cat inside, trap those automobiles and leave my wild canine friend alone!

Reverse Santa

I may just offend someone here..... But folks I know (and see all around me in Southcentral Alaska) are drowning. Not in water, snow or cash, but in their own stuff.
Yes, yes you might want to remind me about the "economy"--but trouble is, that in America, people still somehow manage to get their hands on vast piles of good old fashioned stuff, goods, doo-dads, gadgets and widgets. It can't hurt that the local stores have clearance racks filled with brand new $3 or $4 clothing items--less than a cheeseburger for crying out loud!!
Take the donation bins in Alaska. They all say "clothes only", but people are so desperate to dump their "stuff", that there has been a huge problem with people leaving used coffee pots, toys, couches, and bags and bags of clothes in front of, on top of and for miles around these bins. It has actually become a criminal matter.
And not only in Alaska. I have tried to bring items to a Goodwill in Kingston, NY (not exactly Beverly Hills) and they totally freaked out that they have "too much stuff" already.
So what gives?? Or how about not gives?? Exactly my idea!
Let's do reverse Santa. Any house that wants items removed, could put up a little flag (like in the quaint old days for mail) and Santa Claus would come with his EXTRA big sled and just haul it all away. 
Probably will need some extra flying reindeer, but I'm sure that can be arranged. Then he brings all this American stuff up to the North Pole. Vast amounts of elves would sort through the lawn furniture, televisions, DVD's, and cheap jeans.  They could have polar recycling facilities powered by the Northern Lights. Maybe these items could become a new renewable fuel source? Of course some could be relocated. But I am afraid so many third world countries need food and shelter, that they really wouldn't have a use for exercise equipment and particle board coffee tables. But maybe Santa could figure it out, He is Santa after all.