Top Ten Things A Germaphobe Will NEVER Do

In the media's never ending quest to gain the average dullards attention, we are constantly bombarded by a steady stream of headlines, pertaining to some form of deviant behavior...Well let me tell you this-- us germaphobes aren't interested in new ways of smearing ourselves with other peoples fluids (hygiene theory be damned!) Instead, I bring to you, --in the name of those who worship the icon of hand sanitizer--a brief list of things you never need to worry about us doing:

1- Joining the Mile High Club. I don't know how public bathroom sex can ever be considered sexy. My own dogs refuse to step into excrement while raping one another, yet evolved humans are ok with sitting on diaper changing areas or squishing against obviously urinated on public toilets....?

2- Hosting a poultry cooking show. My fear of uncooked chicken (after two actual bouts of salmonella) is pretty ridiculous. Although I do allow the offending item into the house--the accompanying protocol on food handling safety is much too tedious for television. 

3- Using a public telephone. Yes, I know these are gone with the dinosaurs. But thank goodness. The last time I held a public phone to my ear, I actually got ear zits!

4- Enjoying a communal hot tub.  I'm not totally against this, because a properly sanitized hot tub can be ok. But, a true germaphobe can never really enjoy the experience, as they are constantly worrying about the next person that might get in. Like, what is lurking under their swimsuit? Are they using the jets for self stimulation?? And why are they bringing their diaper baby into the tub?? (have seen this happen!)

5- Attending an Orgy. It seems the newest thing in movies is orgy this, orgy that. Instead of sexy, a germaphobe sees countless clouds of gonorrhea circulating throughout the masses. These orgy people are definitely the same ones who don't wash their hands after using the restroom.

6- No Pants Day on the subway. This certainly makes for an amusing headline, and I understand it brings some laughter to an otherwise boring mass transportation system. But will you ever see me, sitting with only cotton underpants on public transportation? No.

7- Kitchen chickens. Urban chickens might be all the rage. But no real germaphobe would allow any sort of pooping poultry to enter their home, nor track their fecal matter about. Fresh eggs be damned.

8- Entering Chuck E Cheese. I recently attempted this, in honor of a child's birthday party. Unfortunately, the departing gift included a bout of pink eye.

9- Consuming food right after using an ATM. All that public button pushing. Good grief.

10- Becoming a reality TV star. Sure, I guess there are some shows left that only involve dancing or troopers. Or maybe even dancing troopers. Yet so many reality TV shows have become booze fueled bed sheet share programs, that you will have to count the germaphobes out. They make for boring television.

What's the Deal With Wind Chill ?

Well I found out I am not the only Alaskan that finds the "horrible weather" updates from the, Lower 48 a tad bit annoying. Instead of sympathy--us Northerners feel more like "ugh, what's with the griping?"

That said-- I do feel badly for those who have power outages in subzero temps-- especially if you don't have a wood stove or generator. Sympathies to all of you!

However, the real Alaskan head-scratcher is this: why the heck is everyone in the Lower 48 obsessed with 'wind chill'? The silly ominous term, that serves no real purpose, except to invoke some sort of winter-time pity party!?!? Weather reports on Alaskan TV, never talk about pansy "wind chill", it's considered a completely foreign, fake and depressing concept. 

Not that we don't have wind, or chill for that matter. But harping on "wind chill" is equivalent to banging your head against the wall.  Why would you want to make people feel even more miserable in the cold and dreary winter by emphasizing-- "it's even colder that you think outside!!!" Here are some "fake chill" numbers to really get you grumpy this morning! There's no purpose whatsoever, except to make Joe Ohio feel like a tough guy, because he "braved that wind chill, you know"...

Perhaps some Lower 48 meteorologist will argue that the 'wind chill' numbers help people prepare for conditions outside-- sorry, not buying that. If you don't have the good sense to put on a coat and warm hat when it's cold outside, not sure scary imaginary numbers will help that.

For Crying Out Loud--Take Your Vitamins People!

Honestly, I really want to have a pity-party for my poor Alaskan self right now. Why can't I enjoy engaging in a "crisis emergency situation" each time it friggin snows outside or goes below zero degrees???? Why do us Alaskans have to "suck up" the windstorms, daily icy road conditions, and subzero temps?? I assume it's because we don't have the good sense to pack up and move to Philadelphia ?? What fun it would be to run around like a chicken with my head cut off every time it may snow 6 inches!
 But whatever, I will try a more enlightened path (insert cliche here)....and send some helpful goodwill towards my fellow human beings...here goes:
Basically,  "the powers that may be", continue to fund crappy and flawed vitamin studies!! Don't listen to them and save yourself!! Over and over these bizarre fu%$#* up studies appear. And I calm myself down, thinking--well those headlines will disappear... no worries... But then I get hit in the face again and again with the rehashed line: "according to recent research, vitamins are a waste of money"...
Oh my goodness!! Its' kind of like the baby formula companies that tried to shame ladies out of breastfeeding years ago! 
I was somewhat relieved to see that Oregon State researchers recently pointed out this craziness. That giving mini-vitamin doses to the Mitt Romney crowd (healthy and well heeled) results only in predicted non-results (duh!)... The malnourished are never represented, nor are standardized, proper doses (i.e. larger) even attempted (what are they afraid of ????) success I assume !!?? I have seen this very same blasphemy against Vitamin C and D. And now they are going after the multivitamins.  Is there some sort of weird need for rickets to return? Are people even paying attention to the food -- raised in depleted soil with less nutrients than ever before?? Folks-- let the Whole Foods crowd flush their multis down the toilet, as they smugly suck down a grass-fed calf liver and salmon smoothie...but please remember --the rest of us may just need to take a vitamin after all!!